I was born in the 80s, which is probably a lyric to a Calvin Harris song, but also true of my life.  So I read those facebook groups called, ‘You Were Born In The 80s If…’, and get all nostalgic about those bracelets you could slap onto your wrists, the ones that got banned, and the fact I had about four pop swatches that I could attach to my hypercolour T shirt when my wrists were too bruised.  Really though, being a kid in the 80s kind of sucked, purely because it was an amazing era to be a teenager. When the decade ended, I was still under 10 -  so close, yet so far from having an incredible teenage existence.  Also I would have had to be living in America. And been mildly attractive. And maybe been really rich. But that’s all elementary - basically I was born in the wrong time.

If I had been a teenager in the 80s I could have been one of these girls, and then all the pieces of my life would have fallen right into place. Kind of.

Veronica Sawyer
Ok, Ok, so I killed my best friends, which is grossly wrong, and I always use a monocle when I write my diary, which is ridiculously lame, but I also wear white tights with black loafers and go out with Christian Slater - in psychopath mode (separate note: is there another mode?) - so that basically makes me one of the greatest women alive. Plus I have sex on my parent’s croquet lawn, and when I am sick on the floor at a party and my friend Heather is wailing on me like the bitch she is, I get to say: “Lick it up baby.  Lick.  It.  Up”. Incredible.

What’s your damage, Heather?

Claire Standish
Perhaps the best thing about Claire Standish is the fact she brings her own sushi to School for lunch. In 1985 that must have been completely unheard of. She was a trendsetter, a ground-breaker, a weirdo who wore pink clothes that clashed completely with her red hair and ate raw fish.  She also starts crying when she realises that she’s so much of a slave to the class divide at her School that she could never say hello to the nerd she is hanging out with all day in detention. A nerd Ringwald was actually dating in real life (eww). That shows both awareness of her situation, compassion at the way her behaviour affects others, and also a dedication to being really really cool that we can all get behind. Being Claire also means you get to have a love-hate relationship with the School MENTALIST, who wears leather gloves with the fingers cut off (dangerous), asks people really difficult questions like, “Are you a virgin?” (tough cookie), and does a fantastic piece of physical theater to depict his father beating him up (moving). Eventually you see through his cold hard exterior into the soft dreaminess underneath (I guess - he sort of looks like a 30 year old crazed paedophile in a trench coat), and end up giving him your diamond earring so he can wear it and think of you (pussy whipped).

Monique Junet
‘Better Off Dead’ is a really weird film. It’s got John Cusack as this non-jock who’s completely obsessed with his girlfriend, so much so he builds a shrine to her on his bedroom wall. Then she breaks up with him for a jock and he goes crazy. He’s working at this burger bar and in one scene the burgers come alive and start singing and dancing, and then there’s a bit where he’s a mad scientist - which may actually be during the same scene, I can’t be bothered to check. Meanwhile this French girl called Monique is on an exchange visit to America, and is staying with his next door neighbours, a mother and son.  The son looks about 40 and reminded me of those twins in that ‘Eerie Indiana’ episode where the kids sleep in tupperware so they’ll never grow old. There’s a gross interview with the actor who played the son, Ricky, here where he says things like:

Did you make a play for Monique?
Well, in my mind, alone in my hotel room: Yes.

Publicly: No.


Anyway, his mum is a drunk who wants to get her son married off to the French girl, and it goes from funny to creepy in about 10 seconds when she starts orchestrating situations where Monique will be trapped with him, and there’s shots where he’s hanging around outside her bedroom door.  Monique and John Cusack become friends (he has a character name, he’s not just ‘John Cusack’) and she helps him fix up his car (cue montage) while she teaches him French.  Then he learns (Oh, OH, he has a best friend who’s always talking about ’snow’ i.e. cocaine, until he’s on some actual snow then he nearly has a heart attack at all this ’snow’.  It’s very hilarious).  Yeah so, then John Cusack learns that his girlfriend’s new boyfriend is competing in this ski-ing competition and he decides to try and beat him so then he can win back her love (cue training montage).  I can’t really remember what happens next…other than the jock who stole his girlfriend says his name really funny, “mmmDarsh” which South Park did a parody of.  Then John Cusack wins, both the race and his girlfriend back, but realises he wants Frenchy instead.  There is also a scene in a School Cafeteria where a girl’s clothes fall off.  So yeah.  The 80s did this ‘best friend who seems normal but is actually really attractive thing’ really well, and I would have liked to get me some of that.  It never, ever, happens in real life.

Lisa (No Surname, Like Cher/Madonna/Jedward)
I can’t imagine anything better than being Lisa from ‘Weird Science’.  You’re basically the creation of two teenage boys who wear their pants on their heads.  Is there anything better?  Plus you get to say things like, “I can be a real serious bitch, if I don’t get my way”, in a clipped English accent with your lips blown up to the size of a small country.  You get to go round to one of the boys houses dressed as a glittery punk, talking in a horrendous cockney accent that was licensed from Dick Van Dyke in ‘Mary Poppins’, and scare his parents by boasting about drinking and sex.  After you leave you pull a gun on one of the brats when he’s still upset about mommy and daddy.  Later there is  a medium-range ballistic missile in the house, and these trolls turn up on motorbikes.  But who cares, you’re a babe in a cut-off white jumper and little blue pants, and all your shoes are transparent plastic. Want.