Apparently television still exists! I literally and metaphorically and actually don’t know what to say to this, because I was pretty darn sure that antiquated idiot box bit the bullet a long time ago. Also there are still programmes being shown on it! Exsqueeze me?! Baking Soda?! So if there are still programmes being made, and therefore still people acting in Television shows, surely that means they’re not AS collosally famous as they once were. And they were really really famous. I remember all the times I thought I saw someone off the telly in the street, and I was filled with this feeling that was slightly different to how I feel when I see someone I actually know in the street/at an arranged meeting point (where they’d probably be LATE because all my friends are REALLY TARDY). I equated that slightly more excited feeling to one thing and one thing only. Fame.
Well, not anymore. Now if I saw someone off the telly in the street I would probably only be mildly more excited than if I saw, say, a unicorn taking a glittery dump in a policeman’s helmet while Boris Johnson skinned one of the local albino tigers. They’ve lost that star quality you get from being successful in ‘The Biz’ (anyone remember that show ‘The Biz’? I think if I saw the stars of that I would still wet myself), so probably, no definitely, they’d be up for being one of my mates (AS LONG AS THEY’RE NOT REALLY TARDY). Here as some of my favourite contenders.
JA’IME
Now obviously this would be really random, cos like, she lives in Australia and I live in the UK of London, and also that I think she might be a 30 year old man (don’t tell anyone that in case we do become friends - it would make me look really really weird). But forgetting all that, I think she and I are made for each other. Firstly I agree with a lot of what she says, a lot of kids are bogans and a bit fugly, and people who are more hot shouldn’t hang around with them. Not because they’re better or anything, but more because it makes it confusing for the boys. It’s like, “Oh wow I fancy her (referring to me/Jai’me) but oh no wait, she’s standing with that really fugly girl (fugly/bogan girl) hmm, that seems odd. Maybe I don’t fancy her anymore”. See? It makes perfect sense. Only thing is, I worry that maybe I’m not hot enough for Jai’me, or even worse, like, too hot. I reeeally don’t want to make her feel bad Although to be honest I will probably have my lesbian phase soon, so actually that could be fine. I just hope my bloody mother gives me more money to go shopping, I really need some new hair extensions, Jai’me’s look sooooooo good, and I literally will die if I don’t get some, like, this weekend. I WILL DIE MOTHER, DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING GET RAPED AND DIE? I KNOW I WON’T ACTUALLY RAPED BUT I WILL HAVE SHIT HAIR WHICH IS BASICALLY THE SAME AS BEING RAPED
CARTMAN
Cartman is an amazing symbol for our times. It’s such a shame a lot of people don’t get him. They write him off as a weird-sounding brat with a cruel sense of humour and a complete lack of awareness of anyone else’s feelings. And yes, he is all of those things, but he is also so much more. If I was his best friend I would play world of warcraft with him all day long, and then after a joyous afternoon of just two chill bros messing around, I would sit him down for a deep and meaningful. That’s what he really needs. He needs someone who says, you know what? It’s OK that you’ve got all this hate in you, it’s OK that you’re mildly racist and really fat. I care about you and I get you, and I know (I’d poke his little round belly at this point, he’d laugh with tears [emotions] in his eyes) I know, that there is more going on in here than you let people see. Then his mum would knock on the door with a plate of cookies, he’d look at them and say, “Actually Mom. I don’t think I want one”. She’d get really happy that he finally had stopped eating,the fat little douchebag, and would give me 40 bucks for being such a good friend. I’d ask for more, she’d say no, I’d barter, I’d win. Then Cartman and I would go round Butters house, beat him up, then make him do a 3 hour recital of this:
THE INBETWEENERS
I love this show, I think it’s the only thing I would actually watch on TV. If I couldn’t get it more conveniently and at my own leisure on 4OD. The cast all look really funny, and maybe I could meet them one year at, say, the Edinburgh Festival and make jokes about how that one who plays Will always wears cords, then maybe POSSIBLY, I could interview one of them on the roof. After that I probably would email them every once in a while and be like, ‘hey miss you loads, keep laughing!!11 xoxox’ etc. They probably wouldn’t reply very much, they are SO busy being BLOODY HILARIOUS [snort]. So it’s also likely that after a while I would ring one of them and leave a 20 minute voicemail where I may or may not sing ‘Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me’ down the phone in a “variety” of “accents” to show my “range”. Then probably when they never ever returned my call after 2 bloody weeks and 4 and a half days I would find that I couldn’t see a picture of them/the inbetweeners logo/a television/a boy with glasses/myself without feeling kind of sick and having the urge to scream so loud they might be able to hear me in their big fat comedy glitz-mansion.
Anyway, that phone call stuff is all conjecture. They can’t prove a bloody thing.
HUW EDWARDS FROM THAT NEWS SHOW THING
This guy, this guy, man I love this guy. He is such a joker. He always does this really straight-faced thing, I am laughing so hard just thinking about it, where he talks about stuff that’s going on in the world, but just stares down the camera when he’s doing it. It’s also always completely unrelated stuff, he’s like one of those anarchic stand-ups where you think “I have no idea WHAT the storyline is here, or what this is supposed to mean, but I love it”. I guess it’s kind of like Mighty Boosh but with suits, death and the weirdest spelling of Hugh I have ever seen. There’s no ‘w’ in Hugh! YOU BLOODY MENTALIST. I think we’d be great mates because I could take him out places, and get him to do that pokerface (omg how funny would him reciting poker face be? That would just be so, like, WEIRD), low-voice descriptive thing at people while I just sniggered away in the background. I could also take him shopping and get him some more adventurous suits. I know the tie et al is all part of his ‘look’ as a comedian, but I just think he could mix it up a bit. I would Gok Wan that Mo Fo so hard he wouldn’t know what hit him (I bet he’d love it when I said things like that). I’d also love to suggest he brought in more characters to the show, sometimes he has that Fiona Bruce with him, who I am pretty sure is Bruce Forsythe in drag - hilarious- but they just don’t really interact enough, it feels a bit like they’re not really together. So maybe he could have a pet with him, like a little guinea pig who runs around on the desk, or a small child that just copies everything he says in a high squeaky voice. I will come up with better things than that, man I’m just so excited, I love this show so much.
If anyone can get me contacts for these people I would really appreciate it. As would they, probably.
ONES WHO DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT:
PJ/DUNCAN (the blind one, for the attention)
BUFFY/SOOKIE STACKHOUSE (forgot which was which)
CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL/SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH (forgot which one was witch)
THE MEAN DOCTOR FROM SCRUBS (I forgot I don’t really like Scrubs).
ZAC MORRIS (it’s not 1993 anymore, sadly)
Have a great weekend everyone! Bye x