Welcome to my basement. We’re not supposed to go in it as a). it’s full of my landlady’s shit and b). it’s full of my landlady’s shit. Our excited plans of a housewarming basement shindig were well and truly scuppered. It really is full of shit. I like to explore down there though ‘cos I’m nosy and like looking at other peoples’ stuff. Come with me now…

When you first open the door, you’re greeted by a (cat) piss-stained sofa that’s been thrown down the stairs. It’s been decorated with neon shoelaces. I love these shoelaces and am determined to make them into some sort of house decoration. Or tie them into my shoes to make me look like I majorly missed the boat on the whole nu-rave movement. I HEART KLAXONS.

I notice that the huge sack of pirate porn that was lying on the floor last week has gone. Either my housemate has nabbed it or the landlady’s son has been back to claim it. By the way when I say pirate porn I don’t mean Jack Sparrow doing Keira Knightley on the deck of a ship. Duh.  Anyway, instead of dirrrty DVDs, there was an Eastenders-style laundry bag full of the sort of hats you’d expect to see on the heads of fat (and not at all Irish) drunks on St Patrick’s Day.

Here’s a dictaphone. The last time I played it we were drunk and it was all dark and scary so we convinced ourselves it contained the voices of spirits. Despite being on my own this time, I was a brave girl and played it. Turns out it’s just some guy practicing his school speech or something. Booooooooring. Bring back the ghouls!

Amidst the dirt, I found ‘The First Coinage of the Kingdom of Swaziland 1974′. I like the colour.

I also found a few MASSIVE cans of Stella. Coated in dirt. Dares you to drink it, dares you, dares you!

I opened a creaky door into another room and was confronted by a vision of vinyl.

I didn’t go through all the records as there was no light and I was afraid of killer spiders, but this is my favourite from what I saw.

You can listen to it here. I didn’t expect it to sound like that.  My favourite lyric is: ‘I’m spunky/I like my oatmeal lumpy.’ I quite like my porridge runny so I don’t think I’d get on that well with Mr Humpty.

Suddenly I found what I was looking for - photos! Jackpot! Here are some of my favourites. This is a photo of a guy taking a photo. Inspired.

I really like the framed picture in the below photo.

I used to want a vest like this. Remember when string vests were in fashion for girls? So chic…

Considering the outfit she’s wearing, this woman really shouldn’t be obscuring the first part of the salon’s sign.

Hello old Tesco logo. Hello Safeway which no longer exists. Hello…trainers in the fridge?! You guys….

I also found a load of notebooks that at first seemed to contain notes on some guy’s law course. This was boring. But I read on and found a treasure chest of emotion - you read that right, a treasure chest of emotion.

I don’t want to reproduce the whole thing, this isn’t Anne Frank, so here’s a rundown - basically, this guy (let’s call him Dave) is in love with this girl (let’s call her Sarah) and they were together for years. She even spoke about children but for whatever reason, despite his undying love for her, Dave didn’t want children just yet (POTENTIAL MASSIVE ERROR). They break up but Dave is still madly in love with her. And I mean mad. He’s verging on psycho.

He’s written a load of letters to her in a dramatic fashion, basically saying he can’t live without her. But he never sent them (POTENTIAL MASSIVE ERROR). This is my favourite line out of all of his letters:

I always recall your phone conversation - I being in Borders Charing Cross  saying that you were a lion, now roar like a lion.

Of course he remembers the phone call - he’s documented everytime he tried to call her…and everytime she didn’t pick up. He’s also a fan of documenting when she contacts him. Now I don’t know about you but if I get a text message that I can’t work out, I just re-read it until I’ve deciphered it. (Though normally I just get annoyed when people don’t put kisses at the end of their texts ‘cos everyone gets a kiss when I send one. But whatever, it’s fine. Really, I don’t care.) This guy wasn’t content with staring at the screen of his mobile cellular device however - he copied the text down into his little book and analysed it.

I’m on Dave’s side in this instance; she really shouldn’t have text him that in his unhinged state. Everyone knows that obsessive, needy boys take any form of contact as a declaration of love. It’s best to just ignore them.

Before I could get truly settled in intruding on this tragic love affair, a strange creature emerged from the wall so I ran out of the basement as fast as I could.

I got back to reality just in time as my housemate had made crumble with apples from our garden. Luckily Mr Humpty wasn’t round as the custard wasn’t lumpy so he probably wouldn’t have liked it.


1) Boys are freaks.

2) Don’t abandon old diaries - they could get published.

3) If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condom.