The ultimate paradox at the heart of social networking sites is that I would probably have more friends if they didn’t exist. This is not only because they give me more platforms through which I can socially alienate myself, but also because they tell me things about people that make me hate them (and then myself for having them as a ‘friend’ in the first place. But not as much as I hate them).

Status updates on Facebook are annoying when boring people are moaning about being tired. Twitter obituaries that ineloquently pay ‘tribute’ to the life of someone in 140 characters or less (always less) are an indictment of our education system. Facebook events for funerals with more people listed as ‘Maybe Attending’ and wall comments saying “Soz, I’m in Gran Canaria that weekend” are depressing. But it’s Facebook groups that probably make me despair the most, because they enable me to statistically and accurately measure how many people I know who are completely wrong about life.

Here’s a list of some of the more hate-worthy and inexplicable ones I’ve been invited to join. Not like.



AS UR MUMMY… I PROMISE ALWAYS TO KEEP YOU SAFE XX ?
Group description: After reading what happened to Baby P, I thort that I would make the promise to my lil boy that ill never EVER let anybody, or anything, hurt him “”
Number of members: 20, 302

That Baby P thing was unfortunate. Kids dying is pretty lame. You can’t dispute that, because if you did, someone might make a comment on a Facebook group wall about it and totally own you (commenters: always right, always winning). Luckily, it’s not that common a occurrence in this country (especially now the Catholic church is in decline). Not as common as moral panics. Or media witch hunts. Or utter crippling fear-induced stupidity.

It’s great that it took the horrendous death of another child to make you realise that you shouldn’t kill your own kids, really it is. Because before that, you were idly assaulting the snot-nosed cunt in Morrisons, screaming at him on the bus when he wouldn’t sit down and teaching him an A-Z of profanity before he started school. I’m no parent, but, yknow, as that ‘lil boy’s’ mummy I think it should have remained your implicit promise to look after the scraggy wee shit anyway. It’s a baby, you’re a parent, it’s what you’re meant to do. If you’re going to go round making promises, how about one that involves taking an adult education class so you can finally learn how to write? Have you ever thort about that? Then that lil boy might not grow up to be part of the problem. Just an idea.

For a while it was that I thought people were just lazy. But all my contact with humanity (Facebook) has led me to believe they are in fact really fucking retarded.



NO MORE IMMIGRANTS, ENGLAND IS FULL FUCK OFF ELSEWHERE !!!
Group description: This group is for British who have had enough of the goverment letting anyone come here and take, take ,take without any contributions in return … [it goes on and on]
Number of members: 44,035

Not a racist group this one. Nothing racist at all about it. Except the bit about Jews. And the word ‘Packy’. I think that’s a racist one. But it’s difficult to keep up with what terms you are and aren’t allowed to use days. Rappers say nigga all the time (although it’s getting hard to tell the difference between an ‘a’ and an ‘er’), so maybe it’s ok? I’m not sure. Either way, these guys (who never wear tops in their profile pictures) have got the inside track on immigration - “fuck off, foreigners, we’re full” they say. And they might be right. I had to wait in a queue at the post office for 40 minutes the other day. There just aren’t enough cashiers for everyone. And the Underground! That’s always bloody packed. If Rosa Parks gets on the tube and wants to sit down, should we stand up? Isn’t that rightfully my seat? Isn’t that rightfully our seat? Hopefully David Cameron can clear this all up, thank God.



FACEBOOK SHOULD BE FREE
Group description: 1/6 2009 you have to pay to use facebook! It will cost 30$ a year. (150kr, 15$, 20 eur) If you don’t want to pay that amount of money join the group! It may make a difference.
Number of members: 305

Awesome, guys. You did it. You actually made a difference. And it only took 305 of you. Go, democracy. Just imagine what 306 people could do! Who knows what else could be achieved with this power! Maybe you could make email free too? And Google? What about YouTube? I probably don’t even need a job anymore.



SOLDIERS DESERVE FOOTBALLERS WAGES. INVITE ENTIRE FRIEND LIST
Group description: Yes, I know it would be impossible to GIVE a soldier Premiership wages. The idea is, they DESERVE that money a lot more than a footballer.
Number of members: 1,564,064

War is bad. People getting shot in the face is bad. Like child abuse, no one likes that shit. I too think it’s sad that young men are stacked in body bags like Bin Laden went to Iceland. But p-lease, would everyone shut their mouths about soldiers getting whacked.

Since when did it become a surprise that meatheads with big fucking guns shooting the fuck out of people with much smaller guns and less training (yknow, those evil arabs who deserve everything they get) were going to maybe one day end up dying a little bit?  Big revelation here, but some soldiers will die, it’s their job. Even they know this. If they joined the army thinking that there was no chance of this happening they were either totally lied to or have never seen an Arnie film. The tell tale sign was the bit when they were trained to kill other human beings as efficiently as possible.

The media needs to lay off the war porn and stop jizzing its pants every other day about some jarhead that got nuked, because it’s turning people into overly sentimental fools with no grip on reality. I mean, 1.5m people think that soldiers deserve to be paid more than footballers! Are you kidding? Have you seen how good Wayne Rooney is? Most soldiers who are willing to kill another on demand without question are likely only soldiers because they had no other options, because instead of listening at school they were too busy bullying the smart kids. Or they were shit at football. Please stop confusing bravery with stupidity.

Remember when they wouldn’t let gay people join the army because they thought they’d get all horny and shit when one of their colleagues threw a grenade at a village? That’s the kind of mentality we’re dealing with here.

And before everyone starts getting really outraged about this have a little think about Western media news values and why anyone would agree to fight in a war that is ridiculous anyway. It’s nearly as bad as not liking The Beatles.



SCOTT MASLEN APPRECIATION GROUP
Group description: This group is for all those who think that Scott Maslen is the fittest bloke on TV.
Number of members: 539

I have terrible reception in my house, don’t really watch that much TV anyway and I’m not sure I’m even qualified to make this judgment, but I’m pretty much certain that Scott Maslen is not the ‘fittest bloke on TV’. Some people have low standards.

I can understand obsessing about Hollywood stars and needing a fantasy object. But having as your sex symbol someone that was a bit part actor in The Bill and a douche in Eastenders is more lazy than George Michael at the wheel of a car. Dreams aren’t meant to be realistic. That’s why they’re dreams. It’s like rubbing a magic lantern and wishing for a KFC Bucket deal 3 times, or Miss World aspiring for world peace between Jordan and Peter. Be a little more ambitious perhaps - aim for the stars, hit the moon. Aim for Scott Maslen, score a darts player in an Ibis on the outskirts of the North Circular.

That said, this group does have the best picture comments of all time - such as here, and here.



I HATE WAKING UP EARLY
Group description: This group will completely random.I could ask something that will make you think.i [?]
Number of members: 15, 134

What you mean is “I Hate My Life”.