Approximately one in a hundred men come out of their mother’s vaginas vowing never, to ever, do anything like THAT again. They are a special breed of human being that goes against 40,000 years of evolution and loves to dance. Here’s 5 reasons to hate them and 5 reasons to love them.


1- They are Time Machines That Will Swallow Your Ovaries Fag hags be warned: Gays are fucking fun and I know you love being in an environment where nobody’s a slut but you can’t live like that forever. You’re not gay. Being heterosexual-free in your twenties is empowering but doing it in your 30s and 40s is downright lonely. When you start to get into your mid-to-late twenties, let some heteros into your life. Your children will thank you.

2- They Made us Scared of AIDS Do you have any idea what it was like being a middle-class, heterosexual, virgin, non-intravenous drug user in the suburbs twenty years ago? We were all convinced we had full blown AIDS and got tested about every ten minutes even though the odds of us having it were about as high as Nancy Reagan. You started that whole thing because you didn’t want the stigma of having your own disease. Of course, this bullshit led to funding leaking out of the gay community and into people who didn’t need it. See what a tangled web you weave you fucking dicks (literally).

3- Enough With the Hair and Clothes Banter I love gossip and self-indulgent conversation as much as the next guy but Jesus Christ can we IQ it up a bit in here? Talking about celebrities and hair and clothes and who’s fat gets real tired real fast and before you know it, you feel like you stayed in and watched TV all day even though it was sunny out. Every time I hang out with fags for more than a few hours I have to go read math textbooks all night just to get the taste out of my head.

4- They Pretend They Want to Get Married Really? Then why are you doing it at the courthouse with matching Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses around your neck? Where’s the bridesmaids? Where was the rehearsal dinner? You don’t care about this shit you liars. You just want to use it as a place to “Showcase your lack of civil rights.” It reminds me of the time you got all ornery about not being able to fly your rainbow flag at New York’s Irish Parade. After weeks of complaining and getting press you finally admitted you could give a shit about being Irish and saw the whole thing as great publicity. How gay.

5- They’re Going to Hell Not because they’re gay. God made them gay and if you don’t believe that you are as dead to me as someone who believes in Astrology. No, gays are going to hell for the sin of pride. Sorry, that’s the rules.


1- They Will Tear Your Living Room a New Ass Hey breeder, why does the back of your couch face the rest of the apartment? You know what that says? It says, “Stay out. We don’t want you in this living room.” Then the gay will move the couch over by the window and KABOOM. The whole apartment opens up like a wet pussy. Seriously, let a gay attack your living room. He will completely revitalize it in a matter of minutes.

2- They Know How to do Shit Does your doorknocker look too Home Depot? No problem. Just put some patina on it whatever the fuck that is. Not only will a gay tell you about shit like this; He will also loan you the brush and show you how to apply it. This talent is not restricted to fey hobbies. They can also make furniture with chainsaws and build fox-proof chicken coops.

3- They are Unflappable Nigger ain’t shit. You can say faggot. Fuck gay marriage. AIDS is gay. Shit, piss, fucking, cunt, fart, pussy, you fuck too much, meth is killing your whole community, Christians are right about some shit (pant, pant)… Don’t try to offend a fag or you will pass out from exhaustion. This is incredibly liberating if you’re a fucking asshole who hates having to watch what he says.

4- They Know How to Party If you want to create the perfect partier all you have to do is make him feel like a worthless freak who doesn’t belong for the first 18 years of his life. This is called “a closet.” Then, when he finally realizes it’s not his fault he’s weird and it’s kind of neat to be unusual, he will come exploding out of that pressure cooker with a commitment to one thing and one thing only: FUN. This is not exactly a bummer to be around.

5- They Suck a Mean Cock If you can keep a secret and not tell anyone (especially your wife) a faggot will suck your cock right off its hinges. He’ll get in there with the balls and do some swirly beat off motions with his hand and shit. It shouldn’t even be called a blowjob. It’s more like sticking your dick into a fellatio machine.

PS: I stole that “sin of pride” joke from some dude I saw open for Louis CK at Caroline’s about five years ago.

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