I have a friend called Claire who does PR for a porn channel.

She once made me fill out a questionnaire about my sex life that I answered in the frankest possible of terms, and since then she has regularly sent me promo DVDs that fit my ‘interests’ perfectly. I reckon a lot of you would like a friend like her, but you didn’t put in the hours back in Camberwell in 2007 so you’re going to have to find your own porno buddy.

She is currently on a fact finding tour of Amsterdam for some reason or other (possibly porn related, doye) and she sent me some iPhone pictures (and captions) to share with you all. It’s pretty smutty.

The Cock pepper pot. A fine mock willow pattern font offers 'love from Amsterdam'. There is nothing like cock shaped condiments.

There are are a lot of accidents in Amsterdam, usually shroom related or just people cycling into canals. Here we have a cock in a critical state. It looks so sad.

A cock with an eye.

Nothing says 'I love you' like a massive cock arrow through a heart.

My childhood friend called her foo foo a money box when she was growing up. Here we have a literal depiction of that. I wonder if you get a free bubble gum?

This is not sex related but this woman is kinda sexy and she has LOADS of weed. I love weed.

My personal favourite. Deep throating two cocks of two different races will succeed where the 1976 Race Relations act has failed. Note the windmill in the background for that 'Dutch' detail.