First of all, I don’t get why people wear those bracelets anyway - the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ ones.  Is it supposed to be that in a time of crisis you look down at your glorified friendship bracelet and realise that actually no, you shouldn’t microwave your dog, because Jesus wouldn’t have done that?  Although, to be fair, when Jesus was “alive” (add or remove quotation marks depending on your religious beliefs) they probably didn’t have dogs.  Or microwaves.  So on encountering these new elements of ethereal life, he probably would have stuck the puppy in the ‘wave.  You know, just to see what happens (it explodes).

A friend of mine used to wear one of these bracelets but, get this, instead of saying, “What would Jesus do?” he’d say, “What would Jesus drink?” Zing!  Oh Yeah!  Boo hah!

I live my life (kind of, I mean, for the purpose of this post) by the rules of “What would John Do?” And by John I don’t mean The Baptist, oh no, I mean John Cusack.  I think it’s fair to say that I hold John Cusack up as some sort of fictional deity.  He is my role model in matters of the mind, heart, and clothing, which I think is pretty much exactly the same way as people felt about Jesus when he was around.  His favourite band is also The Clash, which again is probably true for the Biblical Carpenter.

Anyway, no one has yet written a Good Book for Cusack, so I thought I would make that leap of faith, and attempt to pen some of his teachings.

Thou Shalt Help Your Family In Their Less Successful Acting Career

I love Joan Cusack.  She’s got that kind of lispy voice, and she pulls funny faces, and her skin looks a bit elastic.  What’s not to like?  However, in terms of her acting career, I think it’s fair to say her brother kind of pulled ahead slightly.  However, rather than spending Christmas rubbing it in her face, and giving everyone huge presents that were just big boxes of money with a note saying, “I’m really really really rich SUCKER”, I like to assume that he suggested her for films he was doing.  During the casting of  ’Say Anything…’, ‘Grosse Point Blank’ and ‘High Fidelity’ he probably slipped her headshot in with his, and burnt all the ones of Meg Ryan.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the corner of a studio in L.A. there is a metal trash can filled with half-burnt photos of Meg Ryan’s face.  And also Val Kilmer’s, not because he’s a threat Joan Cusack’s career, but just because Val Kilmer sucks ass, and that’s what John would do.

Thou Shalt Have A Friend For Life

It must be so crummy (‘crummy’? WTF?) to be one of those actors whose never the lead, always the buddy.  You get a couple of good one-liners, and are there in the time of crisis to offer sage advice, but you don’t get the big bucks, and you’re never on the poster.  Plus you always know that the reason you’re the buddy is because you’re not attractive enough to be a leading man.  Your whole career is basically a justification that you’re not THAT attractive.  Obviously looks aren’t everything and you’re still ridiculous successful to be making the moooovies, but it’s that always the bridesmaid never the bride thing.  One such actor is…I have to google his name because he’s just the buddy and no one remembers the names of buddies…Jeremy Piven.  You know, this guy:

That’s him with his girlfriend.

For the many who are destined to walk the sidelines of Hollywood casting, the world can be a dark place, with little more than loads of cash, cars and women to keep you happy.  Not so for Piven, because he and our John are best friends.  The gift of friendship between actors is one that should be treasured by all who are lucky enough to have it.  When used carefully it can bring a ‘realness’ and ‘tenderness’ to the ’scene’, which benefits everyone - from the audience, to the actors.  (I personally am such an expert when it comes to the film world that I think of every element as having its own personality.  When doing plays at school I used to give the scenes names like Clive, and then I’d say, “Can we do Clive again?  I don’t feel like I really nailed him last time”, and the boy in my class with acne called Clive would look really scared and run to the loo so he could give himself a pep talk in the mirror).

Anyway.  This special connection between Piven and Cusack allows them to construct scenes as brilliant as the one below, where in a moment that is vital to the plot  of ‘Grosse Point Blank’ (kind of) they smoke a joint to evoke memories of their youth (probably) and Piven shouts “TEN YEARS” over and over again in Cusack’s face to show the passing of time (I guess).

Thou Shalt Make Not One, But Two Movies That Prove Catherine Sheeta-Jones Is A Bitch

I doubt Mr. Cusack really wanted to make ‘American Sweethearts’.  It’s got some good bits with Billy Crystal’s leg being humped by a dog, and it’s quite funny watching Julia Roberts pretend to be nice and plain-looking, but it’s not a great film.  However, soon after watching it I realised the real motivation behind this particular career move.

Travel back in time with me now to the glorious days of 2000, and the movie magic of ‘High Fidelity’ - a film which I reckon every heterosexual male likes to think is basically their lives projected on to screen.  It is not.  No, stop it, it’s not.  Not even you.  And definitely not you, Clive.  Anyway, in that film he starred alongside Catherine Pitta Bread Jones, who played his bitchy girlfriend from Uni who left him for some guy in tight trousers called Marco.  In other words, she was playing herself. Well Cusack, being a fair and just man to us all, decided that it was his job to reveal the true nature of this demon woman, so when we didn’t quite get the point in ‘High Fidelity’ and kill her by sticking her in a microwave, he put his career on the line and did another film with her.  Revealing, once again, that she’s a biatch.  Now if that isn’t spiritual and self-sacrificing, I don’t know what is. .

Look at those tight tartan trousers she’s wearing.  Those bitchy tartan trousers.

Thou Shalt Be Modest And Not Get Annoyed When People Think You’re Kevin Spacey

This girl is such an idiot.

There.  I think that gives you everything you need to live your life to the fullest.