I have absolutely nothing to back up this horrific attack on these popular “women”, nothing except my gut instinct and the murmured agreements of the boys in the office when I originally mentioned it.  Yet I feel that this is something we need to talk about, because when I look deep into these ladies eyes, which I do on a regular basis by pausing the TV and crawling up to it really slowly, I am certain I catch a glimpse of something mildly masculine in their gaze.  A stirring in their shorts, a whiff of testosterone (which smells exactly like cool Doritos BTW), and basically the words ‘I’m actually a man’ tattooed on their over-defined forearms.

So I am going to say it – I think these women are men.



First up is Fergie, not the redhead royal, but the lumpy American singer who gargles with the Black Eyed Peas.  There is so much evidence stacked up against Fergmeister that it’s almost ridiculous to write about.  For example, one of her band mates is so threatened by his “feminine” companion, that he rebranded himself Will I. Am.  Now if that isn’t a desperate attempt to re-instate his manly assets – Will. I., Willi, Willy, PENIS - get it? Then I don’t know what is.  Also, while this was a brand new thought to me, apparently a lot of people have already made the connection.  The Internet is awash with details of probable package smuggling.  OK mainly just forums with pictures of her holding her groin, and pulling weird faces while flashing big hands…But sometimes you just need a bit of faith.  I AM A BELIEVER.


My dad has never trusted Madonna.  He says there is something reptilian about her eyes – he says she’s descended from Lizards.  OK he didn’t say that, but I am.  I am saying that Madonna is descended from Lizards.  The crazy David Icke Draco lizards that are the size of camels and have cross bred with humans.  Did you know that Hilary Clinton and Tony Blair are DEFINITELY of this species - so why not Madonna?  The most damning piece of evidence - she kabbalah christened her son Rocko.  Yep, she called the kid Rocko.  Remind me again who lives in the realm of rocks?  LIZARDS.  And old Man-donna is clearly a lizard with one Y chromosome – have you seen those fucking arms?  Covered in veins.  What else is covered in veins?  If you can’t guess ask Will. I. Am.  Poor Guy Ritchie, no wonder he is desperately fascinated with gangsters.  Nothing manlier than gangsters…except Mandon(NAH).

Did anyone ever see this:

Nicole Shrezinger

This creature is poison, pure venom.  There’s something wholly unsettling about the glint in its eyes, the microphone-hogging stance it adopts, and the alliance it’s formed with a formula one racing driver.  Call me crazy, but through every moment of gyrational hip thrust she seems to be planning dark evil, with the means for a swift getaway always in close range, probably placing his hand on her bum – like a “boyfriend”.  And what’s the best way to distract the ‘pigs’ and keep the ‘bacon’ out of your illegitimate ‘floury bap’?  Yes that’s right – hide your identity. SHE’S A MAN.  Not only does she bear a striking resemblance to Transexual Eurovision winner Dana International, just take look at the picture below.  The man has quite clearly just spied a ‘sausage’ and is pretty sure he doesn’t want to be ‘porked’ by that, while Nic Shez-a-dead-ringer-for-a-man is diving into the safety of the ocean.  And the guy who saw the truth?  That little piggy was never seen again.  (Maybe).


Sarah Jessica Parker

This is a hard(on) truth to expose, because I really like SJP.   I’ve had a soft spot for her ever since she dyed bits of her hair pink and helped out that nice boy who’d traveled in time.  She was an amazing teenager, all white leggings and lacy socks…but somewhere in the time-space continuum everything went a bit wrong.  As she made the journey into womanhood there was a system error - she stopped taking her fem-meds, or perhaps the operation went wrong – either way she’s stumbled onto planet beefy, and her mannish visage has set up camp.  Such a shame, but also a great possible storyline for the next Sex and The City film? [Reaches for laptop] “So I got to thinking…ABOUT MY OWN WILLY”