You see them, you talk to them, you find them vaguely attractive.  They find you very attractive, and it’s been a slow month so you gradually fall into something you would normally avoid.  We’ve all done it, and it’s not the worst thing in the world.  Although that awful gut churning feeling you get when you realise you don’t like them enough to keep kissing them can potentially ruin an entire day.

So kudos to mnightshmyalan70 for the inspiration for this next bit of writing.

In a bid to exorcise all of my split personality demons I have embodied some of the main types of DON’T DO IT (but you will anyway) characters.  They’re all wonderfully extreme and polarised, and I make no apology for that.  Deal with it muthafuckasssssss.



Don’t you dare compare me to another woman (you’re 20, you’re kind of still a girl) Oh yes, you love to reduce me down to ‘girl’,to an infant, does it make you feel like a big strong man?  This is exactly what my people (what, the Welsh?) have been fighting against for years.   Women died under horses for my political and social freedom and you really thinking calling me “girl” and saying I’m “as pretty as Megan Fox” is really the way to speak to me? (I never said you were as pretty as Megan Fox, I said “is that small pox?”  It was meant as a joke, but I am also slightly worried you have some sort of skin disorder).  I am so tired of this (so am I).  I am so tired of trying over and over again to make myself heard (judging from the looks we’re getting, I’m pretty sure you’re being heard), of relentlessly searching to make my feelings clear.  What am I to you? (To be honest I thought you were just a pretty girl in my politics class who might have been fun, but now I’m starting to regret asking you to Nandos).  I am a strong independent woman, and you are diminishing my ability to exert who I am (fine.  I get it,  I respect your independence…I guess that means we can split the bill?) YOU BASTARD.

I mean I am all for feminism, opinions, and being feisty, but some sisters take it too far.


Heeeeyyyyy darling, gosh don’t you look stunning in your pajamas.  I just thought I’d pop round to surprise you with this red pepper.  Yes, I know it’s a bit odd, but that’s just me!  There’s actually a story behind it, can I come in?  Thanks.  Yes so, I was at Sainsburys, toddling around the vegetable section - you know me, I love a good toddle - and I saw this and just thought, “ahhh the pepper, the Italian apple” and it made me think about the life we could have together.  You know, the holidays in Rome, the healthy balanced diet, the suburban supermarket shopping where I pick up red peppers and call them “the Italian apple”, and I don’t know, I just thought it was lovely.  If I am honest it brought a tear to my eye.  I also brought some low-fat humous and gorgeous ciabatta which I thought we could use for a little picnic in your bedroom.  I could light some candles, you could play me that violin you never pick up because you say it’s, “lame”.  It’s not lame.  I know you only took it from your parents so you could sell it to make some l’argent du poche (that’s pocket money darling), but I think a women playing a fiddle is nigh on the most romantic thing I have ever seen.  So how does that sound?…Sorry?  This is too much?…I know we’ve only been out once, but I wrote some poetry about you and I just thought I could recite it in my soprano voice, while you played your viol (door slams).

I mean I’m all for romance and sensitivity in a boy, but there’s a point when charming becomes sloppy and soppy.


Oh my god you can’t fucking do this to me.  It’s not fair, you have no idea how hard everything is for me right now (I do, you tell me, your friends, my friends, and everyone at every single party we ever go to quite how hard everything is for you), god.  My life is just one big fucking mess, and (don’t start crying, can’t we have one single conversation where you don’t start crying?)  What do you want me to say?  That I’m sorry?  Well fine, I am OK, I am sorry I slept with someone else, but what do you expect?? You push me away!  You’re so cold,you never give me any attention, you pick your friends over me.  My life is so terrible, and no one ever thinks about me, no one ever considers my feelings (Err, I hadn’t seen my friends for three weeks, I go out for one night and you cheated on me).  Ha!  You don’t go out with your friends because you want to keep an eye on me, you don’t trust me!  (Can you blame me?) How dare you throw this back in my face, do you have any idea how awful this is making ME feel? (Not that bad, since out of the two of us, you’re the one who’s had sex this month)  Well I have had enough, ENOUGH, this is exactly what you want, you want me to kill myself don’t you, you want to push me to the edge, well congratulations, you’ve done it.  I’m going to lock myself in the bathroom and never EVER come out, and it’s all your fault!

I mean, I’m all for crazy girls,  their kooky ways and passionate loving, but sometimes they’re just putting it on.


You have no idea how beautiful you are.  You really don’t.  Do you know how many boys would kill to be with you?  Sometimes when I look at you, I can’t breath.  No I mean it!  Don’t laugh!  Honestly.  My heart stops beating for a minute and I get lost in those eyes of yours. I am so proud to be with you.  When we walk into a room together I know I’m with the best girl there.  Fuck!  You’re so amazing!  Listen, I’ve been thinking, and I know this is a bit crazy, but I want to do this properly with you.  I think you could be the girl to save me.  I’ve been bad before, I’ve fucked girls around - you know, like with your sister.  I’ve been a right little shit, but I am so ready to change, I am ready to settle down.  I’m tired of running around with all these idiotic girls - you know, like your best mate, and you only get one chance for something real.  And this is my chance, you are my chance.  So, come on Catherine, what do you say?…SHIT SHIT I meant to say Claire, I swear I fucking did! SHIT!

I mean, I’m all for bad boys and rogues, but sooner or later it gets really old.

Honorable mentions go to:


DESPERATE BUT UNATTRACTIVE (more women than men)