“I got sick and tired waiting for you to get back to my initial query regarding post break up sex and I done gone fucked some girl. All fine and dandy I hear you say. Only problem is I ‘forgot’ to wrap it up before I slapped it up. As long as my dick doesn’t fall off, is this a problem? Also could I just keep fucking her for a bit regardless?”
From S.U.K

Like I’ve always said, you can’t get AIDS if you don’t get tested. Keep playing playa………… For fucks sakes I keep hearing my Jamaican neighbours downstairs beating their kids really loudly. Jeez at least have some compassion and stifle their screams or hit them closed first or something, I’m trying to fucking write here.

“I need you to clear something up for me: what’s hotter - girls that act like they don’t care if you die, or girls who bring you cakes and occasionally call you when they’re drunk and shit?”
From Margaret Yang

Despite what you may have read in Glamour magazine in ‘WHAT MEN REALLY THINK LOL’ themed articles, men don’t love the thrill of the chase at all. Do women seriously believe men think the best part about hooking up with chicks is having to feign interest in your inane bullshit? And one more thing, can women stop bitching about other bitches to us, we seriously don’t give a fuck and despite what comes out of our lying lowlife mouths we do actually think she’s better looking than you but she’s too hot for us to even contemplate fucking so we’re talking to your busted ass instead. Anyway, no one can hate on cakes, cakes are fucking awesome. Always go with cakes.

“I recently found my man kissing some plain ass ho, how do I get revenge on them both?”
From R.S

Gurl you need to get yo hair did ,get yo nails did and get yo fierce on and then just go out stuntin’ in the club and fuck the first hilarious well dressed oriental with a silent letter in his first name you meet.

“”“Hey tuvshin. I met this guy a while ago… recently, we were really drunk and we made out. I think he has a huge crush on me, but he´s just not my type. I really like him though and I´d like us to stay friends. how can I tell him that without sounding like a bitch?”” -

Dear Tuvshin, I think I’m the guy being referred to in this, if not, I’ve at least been in this situation countless times. I’ve found myself being friend zoned by just about every girl I get with, how do I stop this from happening.”
From Zencock50

Harden the fuck up bro….. actually you fucking deserve to not get pussy with a username like Zencock50, I don’t know what it is about that username that screams ‘I’m a fucking cunt’ but it really does fucking scream ‘I’m a fucking cunt’. Fucking Zencock50, seriously dude? What was going through your mind when you decided that was a good username? Please reply because I’d seriously like to know.

“i wanna get with about 5 guys who are all in the same friendship group…but i dont want them to all call me a slut. is the any way to go about this”
From Anonymous

Well you could try not being a slut.

“I’ll be going to uni next year and I’m really worried that not everyone there will be into Pavement and Arrested Development, contrary to what Platform suggests. Is there any way to spot these “cool kids” to hang out with so I don’t spend all my time in my room constantly masturbating to a picture of a girl I used to go to school with but haven’t seen in three years?”
From Anonymous

If you’re living in halls then you’re neighbour is probably going to be a mute Chinese dude that only eats weird yoghurt or rugby cunts who think gang raping a dude is just a bit of banter but even those people are usually more bearable than the ‘cool kids’ at university . Do you really want to be friends with people who think it’s acceptable to play Bauhaus at parties? People who take fashion seriously like it’s a real fucking thing? Have self indulgent blogs about their lives with abstract names like ‘Blank Hearts & Petty Waves’ in which they regurgitate purdy pictures from the internet and quotes that like totally speak to them as a person.

“I’m not great with heights and I find it really difficult to sustain an erection when I’m up a tree. Can you recommend any areas/ boroughs that have a high concentration of bungalows with nice big windows?”
From diddles

Stop watching The Mighty Boosh you fucking faggot. Anyone over the age of 15 into RANDOMZ humour is a fag. Reading that was fucking painful, it was like being raped and then being forced into having a date with my own rapist.

my boyfriend is nice n shit and we have good sex but he’s all on the “i’ve never felt this way before” shit and i dont feel that intense…is it okay to keep stringing him along because i dont want to be alone? and what do i do if there’s someone else i want to bang?”

From Anonymous

Buy him a pack of Tampax and tell him he’s acting softer than a baby’s dick and then send an email to tuvs[email protected] with your age, weight, height and cup size.

“Dear Tuff-shit,
I called this bitch I sit next to in maths a prostitute today. I don’t feel bad about it because she told the whole shitting class that I had “geniwarts” (I don’t. mum loves me and bought me an injection). Anyway she won’t talk to me now which is shit because i was seriously almost in. How do I sort this and get what’s rightfully mine without apologising? I don’t want to say sorry because i’m told it’s not attractive.”

From AlexRDM

Sitting next to in maths? Yo cuz be honest are you still in school? I’m not sure I want to be giving out sexual advice to someone who isn’t even given the responsibility of deciding when you can go to the bathroom.