Due to technical difficulties, this article appears on Saturday rather than Friday. Apologies to those of you who had to read The Sun for yourself.

It’s Friday, I’ve got my copy of The Sun to hand, and I’m ready to inspect what is sure to be a rip roaring journey through the soft pornography, footy banter, subtle wordplay and selective news coverage which keeps 8 million Brits amused and informed every day. I’ve only got an hour before I have to go out, which should be plenty of time to read, report back and then have a stab at the crossword.

First things first, there’s a free Aero for every reader advertised on the front page. You’ll have already made back the 20p cover price and washed away the bad taste which some of the articles may leave.

But the Aero is about all that’s good on the front page. There have been some classic, historical front page spreads from The Sun over the years: “Up yours Delors”, “It’s The Sun Wot Won It”, “Beadle’s Not About”, “Will the last person to leave Britain turn out the light…”, but this isn’t one of them. “Stephen’s Last Hours” is rubbish, lagging behind even their imitators at The Daily Star, who have at least revealed that Stephen Gately had SEX before he died. Come on Currant Bun, raise your game.

On Page 3 we’re in familiar territory. Amii, 22, from Birmingham (pictured topless in a meadow) is “FURIOUS at the huge Goldman Sachs bonuses.” But many of The Sun’s readers will be more than happy with Amii’s huge bonuses.

PUN! On page 7, The sub-editors score their first goal with a shoo-in headline, “Czech Mate”, referring to the heroics of the Czech Republic for refusing to ratify the Lisbon Treaty. The Sun is dead against this treaty because it devolves too much power to Johnny Foreigner.  They are painting the grizzly Czech PM as an heir to Churchill with some misleading historical parallels. “Having escaped Moscow’s clutches 20 years earlier, Mr Klaus isn’t about to surrender to another totalitarian regime [the EU]” writes Trevor Kavanagh. I don’t think it’s quite the same thing to compare a literal Soviet occupation with an EU constitutional reform treaty, and surely The Sun’s readers won’t be fooled by this hyperbolic nonsense.

DISGRACE! On page 13, news and opinion join forces to serve damnation upon a student from Sheffield pissing on a war memorial. The picture shows that the Fresher really did do this, so he really is a twat. Well done, The Sun.

SEX SCANDAL! On page 17, a woman who works in a British nuclear weapons plant engages in ORGIES, which could apparently put national security at risk. “This is what the Soviets always tried to do”, warns a conveniently unnamed “security expert”, suggesting that Britain’s nuclear secrets are at risk because a secretary likes getting kinky in a Travelodge. They have even wheeled out ex-SAS man and author Andy McNab to dub her an “easy meat job” haemorrhaging secrets through every orifice. Another way of putting this would be to say “WOMAN HAS SEX LIFE”. These are by far the worst articles in The Sun because firstly, they victimise a perfectly innocent woman, and secondly they add to a discourse which demonises women who do not conform to the norms of sexual behaviour which they prescribe. I’m glad I got that off my chest.

DANGER WANK! Page 19 reveals a teacher was caught stroking one out in a cupboard at school. The Sun loves a teacher sex story to get all righteous about.

HERO! The Sun pays tribute to a copper who arrests loads and loads of people. Substituting the word ‘rat’ for ‘thief’, this ‘Supercop’ is dubbed a ‘top thief-catcher’. This is a very cunning rhetorical device. Thatcher would be proud, down with the louts and all that. “We are paid to be suspicious” he says, evoking the spirit of the Soviet Union which Trevor Kavanagh has just condemned.  Then on page 27, The Sun salutes a judge for telling a yob he “deserved a good kicking.” It’s good to see that good old-fashioned British justice is alive and well.

CUNT! Jon Cunt’s column is always rich pickings for facetious pricks like myself. This week, Gaunty gets his teeth stuck into Kent county council, who have been handing £25 a week “pocket money” to “asylum seekers.” A quick Google search of this story puts the BNP’s website at the top of the search results. I’m not suggesting that Jon Cunt is racist or sympathises with the BNP, but it’s clear that there is a fair amount of crossover in viewpoint. There also appears to be crossover in the words they use: “This same Tory council lost £50 million in the Icelandic bank”, says the BNP. “Kent council lost more than £50million of their council taxpayers’ money in investments in Icelandic banks” reveals Cunt in The Sun. But whereas the BNP’s article reveals that the majority of these asylum seekers are fleeing Iraq and Afghanistan- countries which The Sun said we were right to invade- Cunt lets it slip by. “HOW ABOUT not worrying about their human rights and whether they face danger when they return home,” he suggests. Well, if Platform readers would like to plant landmines on Jon Cunt’s driveway, I won’t be worrying about his safety when he returns home either.

That’s all I have time for, else I’m going to be late for my Communist party meeting. I didn’t even have time to talk you through “Confessions of a Serial Bigamist,” Dear Deidre, or the always amusing Letters page. On a serious note, I’d like to acknowledge that this is a futile attempt at satire, I am obviously picking on the easiest targets, and I am just a middle class privately educated snob who doesn’t know anything about the real world.