Life in the Western world is not as rosy as it once was.  Blame capitalism, blame terrorism, blame Tony Bliar’s [sic] Broken Booze Britain, or blame those bloody bankers and their willy nilly flouting of your hard saved cash, but being young and alive is starting to feel like a total waste of time.  And that’s not to mention all the usual feelings of alienation, solitude and aimlessness that normal humans are afflicted with daily.

Ours is a society in decline. Reading the papers, watching the news, it seems the only means of escaping the eternal abyss of doom is to kill yourself. What’s the point in being alive if you can’t afford M&S ready meals every night or enjoy 2012 without the nagging fear that you’re actually watching an incredibly prescient documentary? We’re not bloody animals. We’re young, middle class and entitled to privilege. We shouldn’t have to suffer a life of Lidl or natural disasters. Life is slowly becoming some of the worst times I’ve ever had and I’ve not even teenage angst to blame anymore.

If, like for me, things are getting too much (which they really should be) and you decide to shed this mortal coil, you’ve got to do it with at least a little elan. Imagine the horror in being found gassed out in the garage while Evanescence plays on repeat in the background! If word ever got out, you’d be facing an empty cemetery on your big day. You’ve got to judge your death soundtrack just so. You don’t want to be that girl inKidulthood who kills herself to The Streets. That’s why her brother got so mad about it and turned from shit bearded trustafarian to raging psycho in a hoody with a capgun. Don’t embarrass your brother.

So, here’s a list of some suitable self-killing music. Keep these on repeat and in no time at all you’ll be pallid and stiff, soaking up some heat rays with the devil, because suiciders don’t go to heaven. Stay dark, stay doomy, stay dead.

Neil Young – “Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)”

Save the efforts of pseudo-feminist hypocrites like Everett True and a few rough neck misogynists, everyone knows that it was not Courtney Love that did Kurt Cobain in. It was his own unbridled sense of self-hatred that put that gun to his head, coupled of course with a heroin addiction bigger than Frances Beans inheritance. While Courtney is less stable than Fritzl’s daughter, remember this was the same Kurt Cobain who orginally wanted to call Nirvana’s last album I Hate Myself And I Want To Die. He couldn’t have served up a bigger warning sign than if he’d painted a red triangle around his head and started quoting Neitzsche. You could pick any one of Nirvana’s songs to soundtrack your descent into the black, but I’d prefer to go right to the inspiration. The last two lines of Cobain’s suicide note quote directly from Neil Young’s “Hey Hey, My My”. Put this on and drive a bullet into your head, and you’ll be in good company. Dead good company.

15 Hey Hey, My My (Into The Black)

“Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)”

Sample lyric: “It’s better to burn out than it is to rust”

Smog – “Permanent Smile”

You can put on a brave face, turn that frown upside down when ever anyone is looking, but you can’t foul yourself. You’re lonely, tortured and none-more-black inside. The only way you’ll earn your permanent smile is when insects gnaw at your dead sagging flash and you’re rotted down to your skull, leaving that infinite boney grin as the final evidence of you at last finding your eternal peace.  The rest is smiling.

“Permanent Smile”

“Permanent Smile”

Sample lyric: “And the flesh flesh flesh rotted off my skull”

Iggy Pop – “Mass Production”

Ian Curtis listened to The Idiot (from which “Mass Production” is taken) just before he put his neck in a rope and let his feet swing like a compass point searching for North. Because the Iggy Pop on The Idiot is not the same Iggy Pop that sang about having a “Lust for Life”. This is Berlin-based coke psychosis and exactly what happens when the good times stop. Plus, if it’s a good enough soundtrack for the King of Gloom, then it’s good enough for you given that you’ve never achieved anything, couldn’t get one girlfriend let alone a hot Belgium mistress, and haven’t got enough friends to form a band. I bet you’re dead before you get to the end of this sentence. You really should be…

08 Mass Production

“Mass Production”

Sample lyric: “Though I try to die, you put me back on the line”

Judas Priest – “Better By You, Better Than Me”

Darwinism is a pretty solid theory, but sometimes even that needs a little assistance. Thanks then to Judas Priest. They inspired two idiots to shoot their faces off. Except the second idiot forgot to reload the gun, firing a sufficient amount of compressed air into his face to permanently disfigure him, but not quite enough to end his life. It was later claimed in court that Rob Halford’s barked instruction to “do it” provided the catalyst for the suicide attempts. Whether they jumped or they were pushed is debatable, but anyone that takes Judas Priest that seriously is in need of being taught a lesson.

“Better by You, Better Than Me”

“Better By You, Better Than Me”

Sample lyric: “Do it”

The Police – “Can’t Stand Losing You”

If Sting doesn’t make you want to kill yourself then you’re probably dead already. (That this song is also about killing yourself to get back at an ex makes it double deadly).

“I Can’t Stand Losing You”

“Can’t Stand Losing You”

Sample lyric: “But you’ll be sorry when I’m dead, and all this guilt will be on your head”