I went to LA last weekend for the first time.  It was really fun.  It’s kind of a circus of idiots.  Whereas being in New York feels like you’re in a movie because everything is so vast and recognisable, being in LA is like being on a movie set.  Nothing feels real or very sturdy.  Walls look unconvincing and papery thin.  I think because it’s so far away from any other countries, there isn’t as much crossover with different places as there is in New York.  So there’s no one to laugh at all the rich people bumming around, acting like film stars when they’re probably not.  Still, everyone there is so oblivious to how ridiculous they are that the whole experience is a lot more like watching Sweet Sixteen than going to a crap ’swanky’ nightclub like I was expecting.


These folks were just cruising around Melrose on their Segways as if it was the most normal thing in the world.  As you can see they look completely ridiculous.  The woman’s trying to make out she’s a huge fitness fanatic, wearing a sporty top and looking all slender.  Except that she is really nothing but a lazy fucking cow.  She hates exercise so much that she’d rather pay £5k and look like a total dick just to be able to stand still and get places rather than have to walk like everyone else.

Although LA is billed as hippest place in Hipsville, what passes for cool could easily be mistaken for an Italian clubber’s wet dream.  It’s like there’s been an explosion at a shit tattoo shop and sequin factory.

This was a really popular theatre production.  I’ll leave you to make up your own mind what it’s about.

It was the Jewish Sabbath when I went for a walkabout so unfortunately I couldn’t buy any of these ‘Bat Mitzvah Girl’ hats with neon candle lights.  I think you’ll agree they are rather fantastic.

When I’m stuck in an old folks home, there’s nothing I want to be soiling on a daily basis more than a pair of gaudy slacks like these.  So, so sick.

I went to the beach at Santa Monica and these guys were chilling out with some real Zen vibes just yards from literally the busiest thoroughfare on the whole beach.  It doesn’t look busy in this pic, but that’s only because the whole world was walking right next to me on the pavement.  If I wanted to chill out and look like a wanker I couldn’t think of a more public place to do it on Venice Beach than right where these guys are stood.

It’s worth clicking on this picture to see it full-size.  It’s basically one of those guys who draws a caricature of you (which are all over the world, and always shit).  All they really do is draw the same picture over and over (like in the episode of The Simpsons where Lisa has one done and the guy’s like “so, you like cars little girl?” and draws her in a speeding car even though she hates them), adjusting for your hair colour and any clothes you might be wearing at the time.  Normally the artists are clever enough to position the artwork so that the subject can’t see the horror unfold.  Not this chap.  As you can see the woman is screw-facing the drawing - as she realises that it doesn’t look like the frumpy little woman that she is, but a sassy, chirpy chick in a bikini. “It’s Fun! & Craziness!”

Phone signals in LA are terrible.  People have to stand on walls to get the best signal possible.  Or maybe he was just showing off because he looks like Ted Danson.

The guy in the red shorts might have been a real babe magnet, if it wasn’t for the fact he was swinging around a bag of dog shit.

Away from the beach I found a sink that looks like a surprised face.

The hand dryers in LA are also dead cool.  Seems they give out free bacon.

The fella with the bald head is one of the main people from Anchorman.  He wasn’t hanging out with anyone, and didn’t seem to be waiting for anyone either.  Once all these people had their picture taken with him, he just stood around in the same spot, looking a little bit like he was waiting for more people to approach him for a picture.

This was at the check-in desk at LAX.  Having stupid warning signs everywhere has quite a surprising effect.  You end up not even reading them because you presume “they’re just covering their backs” and it’s all bullshit.  Warning signs should definitely be saved for important things (which, to be fair, this could be).