Hey y’all.  So I’m a pretty laid back chick, I guess I’d say I’m about a 5 - I’m not one of those babes the boys in the office will get a massive picture of and then show to each other, “fucking HELL”, their eyes lighting up like Jack Sparrow finding the most luscious bit of steaming booty ever buried in the Caribbeans sexy sea.  But nor am I one of those girls people cock their heads at on first viewing, like, “what the fuck IS that?”  I can be kinda fun when I’m on my game and in general don’t have any major issues or weird habits that might put a chill bro off.  I guess I’m like Brittany Murphy’s character in Clueless BEFORE THE MAKEOVER - a bit kooky, sorta funny, and like stoner skater boys.

However despite my moderate charms, I’ve not really had the chance to make it with one of those sexy heads of state types I’m always reading about in ‘Newspaper’.  I guess it’s not really my fault - I live in London, where there’s only really G. Brown representing (who sadly he didn’t make it onto the list).  I’m pretty sure the Brown is code for Brown nosing/Brown stripe .  This hasn’t got me down though, as I’m fairly confident that if the circumstances/politics/candlelight was right, I could make it with one of the world’s hot heads of state - as listed below.

1. Obaby, Obama

Obama is basically the best thing to happen to the world Mcdonald’s egg Mc Muffins.  And you know why?  Because he’s the type of guy who could be President, and still eat a Mcdonald’s egg McMuffin.  I bet he has his weekly ‘naughty brunch’ with a couple of those and hash browns, but retains his kick ass physique with a game of basketball in his own freaking indoor basketball court.  Plus, he smokes, which is so seriously bad for you and, YOU IDIOT why are you doing that?  But when he does it, I bet God says, “let’s fill that cigarette full of wonder and dreams, because this man is a good man”.  I would woo him by becoming best friends with Michelle (probably by sending her photos of the family in pajamas with the caption ‘Obamas in Pajamas’ - very LOLZ) and would be so amazing to her with my 5 rated charms (see above) that eventually she’d realise I’m actually better for her husband than even her.  She’s such a good woman she’d be very gracious, and maybe even stay living with us so she could look after the kids and the dog, because to be honest:

someone else’s kids - bleurgh

someone else’s dog - BLEURGH.

2. Sarky Sarkozy

This guy is a player, he is a bad boy, he is a heartbreaker.  He got elected then used his newly earnt power to pick up the hottest lady in France, and strolled into the Blanc House (dunno what they call their posh home in Paris) with her on his arm, and pimped out platform shoes on his feet.  They get papped all the time frolicking in the surf like Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, and he just don’t give a fuck.  If anything, he seems to thrive on the attention.  Plus he really reminds me of Sean Penn, and so I always imagine him doing Sean Penn like things - such as, “speaking his mind”, “keeping it real” and “playing a gay civil right’s campaigner with stunning aplomb”.  Only problem is, since his flirty cavorting with Carla his popularity rating (what is this - prom?) has gone down to about 39%.  Not good news.  You know what he needs to do?  Get a girl who’s a bit more down to earth, a bit more plain, a bit shorter.  I could be that girl.

3. Put it in Putin

I couldn’t work out if this guy is still leader of Russia or not, but I don’t really care.  In a way it’s better if he’s not because he’ll be working less and we’d have more time to drink tea with cherry in it and watch that ballet dancer on Sex and the Shitty or whatever he was.  Priorities people.  When I look at pictures of Putin I can’t help but feel there’s a lonliness there.  There’s something in his eyes that cries out for a gentle woman to care for him and tell him everything is going to be ok.  To hold his hand and whisper, “Look at me..No come on, look at me.  Right, now listen - I see you, I know you, and I can tell you’re putting on a front.  You’re scared to let me in because you think you have to be the big strong man.  Well you don’t.  You can just be you - you in all your vulnerable, Ruska beauty”.  Then I’d put on Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs and we’d slowly dance together in one of his gold plated state living rooms, me singing “they don’t love you like I love you” while fat wet tears fall down his cheek.  He’s like the James Bond villian with a troubled past you just want to fix.  Putin, I will try to fix you.

4.Yes Way Jose (Socrates)

What a wild card.  No one saw this one coming  but he’s so groomed and silver I couldn’t resist.  What a man what a man what a man what a mighty mighty good man.  Yes he is.  No idea about his credentials in leadership - but does that really matter these days anyway? (POLITCIAL/CULTURAL STATEMENT ALERT) But he dresses sharp, as my Mum would say, and there’s the whiff of Clooney about that big-white-teeth-in-a-tanned-face smile.  Apparently he was involved in some controversial affair - sadly not the black dress, white mark kind - but you know, something ‘political’.  Yawn.  Either way it makes him a bit more dangerous and more likely to steal loads of money so I can buy more dresses for all the fancy pants balls he’ll take me to.   Plus, he’s only bloody single!  Can we have some sort of Platform based charity bake sale to get me a ticket to Portugal?  Think how much more exciting my posts would be if I was a Princess!  Because that’s what you become if you marry a a President.  I think he’d be up for it because I learnt a bit of Portugese when I went out there for my 17 year old ‘girls holiday’ (we had T-shirts made with numbers on the back and our nicknames on the front) and, to quote a local, my accent was “good”.  Done and Done.


5. Bare Berlusconi.


No thanks.