How to pull children


How to meet children
Meeting children is easy. They are very sociable beings, oriented towards establishing friendships, even if these are only fleeting and likely to be overturned by something so trivial as a lobbed sandwich. Many of their friends will be of the sort that eat playdough or fall asleep at inopportune moments, and on average their peer group probably earn less than £250/annum, so with your Blackberry, expensive dental work and suite of credit cards, you have an immediate ability to stand out from the crowd.

Why should I date a child?
Children are marvelous. Every society venerates them for their idealism and innocence. They gambol in fields, they fly kites, are compact, and due to lack of expertise will often lose arguments that adults might win.

For instance:
Child Life Partner: I think we should re-tile the patio. You got that bonus this year – didn’t you? Well I need to live in a house that’s got a decent patio now summer’s coming.
You: OK. I’ll do it… if you can tell me what the square root of 81 is.
Child Life Partner: …???…
You: Sorry.

Am I ready to pull children?

Things to think about:
Personal attractiveness. Children are some of the most demanding consumers around. They have not yet learned to settle for the sort of grey workaday slobs that populate the adult dating world, and their idealised view of life unfortunately means you must be in tip-top condition before you stand a chance of securing their interest. Invest in a personal trainer if necessary.
Career Prospects. Nothing speaks glamour to the child mind so much as the prospect of adult employment. Make sure you have a job which will delight – the sort that they possibly already model in their day-to-day play activities.

- In: Fireman, doctor, soldier, nurse, ballet dancer, spy, rockstar, Tinchy Stryder, professional footballer, lollipop lady, police, pirate.
- Out: Regional sales director, call centre operative, member of the shadow cabinet, pet cremationist.

Meeting places
To pick up a prospective child relationship partner, first you have to understand the child mind. Scope out some potential places where they are know to hang out. For instance:

Art Galleries
Art galleries are always good places to meet children. Try some of the following opening gambits:

- “This Pisarro is exquisite. The pointilists deserve to be more than a footnote to history, don’t you think?”
- “Gainsborough’s Laughing Cavalier may be a masterpiece, but I can’t see what the bloody joke is myself. Hahaha…”

The Supermarket
Supermarkets are the hot new place where post-millennial singletons gather for a mutual schmooze. Children will generally be found in the cakes aisle.

Try a line like:
- “Oh, hi. I notice you’re putting a lot of ready-meals into your basket. Do you live alone?”

Or more generic ones like:
- “Who stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes?”
- “I don’t suppose you’re a fan of ice cream and jelly? I was just nipping down the road to get some.”
- “You look just like Madeliene.”

Pretty soon you will find yourself laughing and joking with your new potential-CLP. A few witticisms, a coy blush, and and it’ll be time to move onto the first date. Exciting!

The First Date
Go somewhere neutral for the first date. It’s important that you both feel relaxed – and neither is on each other’s turf.

A visit to the House Of Commons is a good way to kick things off. It says that you are serious, patriotic, and that you take an interest in the world around you.

A day in the country is a wonderful way to explore your feelings for each other. Visit an organic dairy and sample local cheeses. Stop off at an abbey and take some brass rubbings. Shop for antiques in quaint country villages. But make sure you have plenty of suncream and some wide-brimmed hats as children burn much more easily than adults. Remember ‘slip, slap and slop’!

Likewise, if you do nip out of the car to find a cashpoint, make sure you leave a window open – children can die if left in hot cars for longer than half an hour. It would be the ultimate unsatisfactory end to a beautiful day out if you returned to your Toyota Prius to find your beau boiled red and gasping his/her last while Radio One plays on.

Comfort considerations on your first date
For infants younger than two years, ‘burping’ may be part of your early date rituals. Infants of that age can’t dislodge wind trapped in their gullets themselves very easily, so it may be necessary to gently drape them over your shoulder and tap lightly on their backs.  Accept that this is as embarrasing for the child as it may be inconvenient for you. Try to make a light-hearted joke about it if possible. It may make a good bit for your best man’s speech at the wedding one day!

A first date gift?
Flowers are still the ideal first date gift – simple, universally liked, organic, fragrant. They show caring, without being overbearing.

Gifts to be avoided:
Ponies. Are often seen as a ‘holy grail’ by children, and thus a sign of over-keenness which may be off-putting to a child who has just come out of a serious relationship and ‘doesn’t want to get burned again’. 
Rifles. It’s a commonly held principle of childcare that children and semi-automatic weapons don’t mix. Don’t discover why the hard way. Keep anything above a revolver away from your little beau.
Kitchen appliances. Whilst most children love to cook, appliances are bad presents as they are often seen as totemic of unglamorous domestic drudgery.
Frilly Underwear. Though Anne Summers’ new Frisky Tykes range is of very high quality, underwear is too intimate a gift for courtship.

There will undoubtedly be a measure of awkwardness involved in your early meetings. Try and assuage this by arriving with a couple of pre-prepared jokes to break the ice. Here are some you might try:

- “What time should you visit a Chinese dentist?” “Two-thirty. [tooth-hurty]”
- “What athlete is warmest in winter?” “A long jumper. [this is a play on the fact that a 'long jumper' could refer to either a sizeable warm item of clothing or an athlete]”

Avoid talking too much about the past. Children have little memory of historical events, so discussing the national sense of euphoria at the election of Tony Blair may seem to them a tedious historical detail. See also: the miners’ strike, the Sinclair C5, Bros, where you were on 9/11, et cetera.

Most children’s conversation revolves around what they had for lunch. Look attentive at all times. Perhaps discuss what you had for lunch, to turn the event into a bonding experience. Perhaps fill in the conversation with a little cultural observation – for instance, the amusing fact that the French for ‘breakfast’ is ‘little lunch’.

They may have a particular grievance with a teacher, or another child. Listen sympathetically to this. It is important that they be allowed to burn off these frustrations in a relaxing environment over a couple of drinks. Avoid getting children too drunk. They tend to be quite maudlin, uncooperative little dipsos. You may have to talk them down from a ledge, or even duck a few stray whiskey decanters if they get a particularly bad head on.

Getting mum and dad onboard
Even in our modern pluralistic society, many parents may initially be skeptical about you dating their offspring. Reassure them by making sure you are always well-mannered in their presence. Promise them that you will never break household rules about shoes on the couch, or proper bedtimes. If they are still undecided, offer them use of your holiday home, chauffeur service, and an all-expenses-paid trip to Dubai. Most will come round eventually.

Tying the knot
Religious ministers seldom marry children. Debate has raged in the Anglican church in recent years over whether the Bible permits marriage of/to children. Certainly, Deuteronomy 7:13 and Corinthian’s 1:10 would suggest it, and the dilemma has been exacerbated by an American church’s decision to elect the first openly juvenile bishop.  However, as a means of detering such wedlocks, most vicars still refuse to marry anyone who can’t see over the altar. You will have to hunt about. Sidcup’s Church Of The Tiny Altar is possibly the best bet.

  • Anonymous

    maybe its because i'm hungover but this made me LOL like no other. 'mazin.

  • Anonymous

    maybe its because i'm hungover but this made me LOL like no other. 'mazin.

  • Hannah Gibbins

    what on earth is Sidcup's church of the tiny altar?

  • Isaac Eastgate



  • Anonymous

    I'm printing this article.

    Then I'm going to eat it.

  • glemmie

    shit, is this illegal to have on my browsing history? probably.

  • murray

    this isnt funny lol random and shit article

  • Kirby

    This is awesome. Brass rubbings? hahahahaha

  • Anonymous

    Bugger. I've just been catching them after school with sweets and a net. Thanks for the advice.

  • e-l cape town

    What the EFF?

  • Superviolence

    Meeting places? School? At least if you get rejected by the kids, there'll always be a lonely middle aged teacher who wants to bang

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