Sunday December 6th

OK, so what are the rules of being a boyfriend?  Or not so much rules, what are the guidelines, the ideals, the ideology, the dress code?  If someone could tell me, that would be great, as I’m really not sure.  Amy and I had a little fight on the phone just now, because apparently I acted in a way that was not conducive to general boyfriend behaviour.  I said that maybe I wasn’t that up for going to her friend’s birthday dinner, where I would be the only boy, and that perhaps she should just go on her own and meet me after or something.  Well this was not at all what she deemed acceptable, in fact I’m inclined to say she became rather “pissed off” and requested crudely that I “shove it up my fucking arse”.  Errr, OK.  I mean is it really that untoward of me to be honest about the fact going to some fucking greek restaurant with all of her female friends isn’t THAT appealing to me?  I thought relationships were supposed to be based on trust, I thought she realised I thought her friends were kind of annoying, I thought she realised I probably couldn’t be fucked.  Clearly not.  No, she had no idea I harboured such feelings, which became clear when I voiced said feelings.  She in turn made her annoyance, and knowledge of graphic swear words, clear.

OK I fucked up, but I do think it’s a bit weird that I am the only fucking boy invited.  Apparently it’s because I’m the only boyfriend her mate Hannah thinks is “funny”.  To be honest with you though, I think it’s more that because I’m younger they just find me really non threatening, and don’t mind talking about girl shit in front of me, whereas if I was older and hotter they probably would think twice about mentioning the mooncup.

Yeah.  Don’t.  Even.  Ask.

It’s also the “I’m so angry I have to hang up the phone” thing that I don’t get.  In that last conversation Amy did it twice.  First when I said, “I don’t really want to go, because I think it will be really boring for me”.  I can only imagine she hung up then because what I said was clearly so offensive she couldn’t think of anything to say, and also it repulsed her so much she couldn’t even stand to have the phone near her face.  So the other person hangs up out of righteous indignation, and then suddenly there’s silence, and the game begins.  Well it should begin, but I thought she’d done it by accident, so rang her back and said, “wotcha cock!  Your phone being crap again?”

Yeah that didn’t go down well.  I now realise that failing to realise you have been given a hang up is a gross error.  It’s like someone saying, “go away you smell like shit”, and the smelly person responds by rubbing their armpit in the other person’s face, and then refuses to leave their side, while singing twinkle twinkle little star.  (Don’t know about the twinkle star bit, but I’m really annoyed, so let me off).  The second time she did it I realised what was happening and sat still for a moment, then lay down on my bed.  We’d been talking for a while so I went downstairs to get some toast - it’s hungry work, arguing.  Another gross error.  Apparently her hanging up the phone isn’t a chance for us both to calm down, have a bit of toast, and then talk later.  Oh no.  No I am supposed to keep ringing her repeatedly until she picks up.  If I don’t try to ring her it means I don’t care, and am just generally a massive tit.

Yeah, NO ONE TOLD ME THAT.  I’m sorry I took our brief rest bite in conversation as a chance to relax for a moment and gather my thoughts (text someone else/look for films online), please please forgive me for my ignorance Amy.  Teach me.  Teach me the ways of the women folk and SMS etiquette.  Actually, don’t bother.  I mean, it’s just all a bit of a ball ache isn’t it?  I just want to hang out with Amy, watch films, go out and get drunk, and generally “have a good time” (loads of sex).  I think Amy actually wants that too, but there’s all this other stuff that seems to go on in her brain, all these hidden meanings, and little bits of information I am supposed to pick up on and react to.  I don’t know what they are, I don’t get it.  Are there any books on the subject?  Films?  Comics?  Computer games?  Yeah thought not.

Thing is, I will end up going, because she’s hot and I like her.  But does that mean I’m pussy whipped?  Or just a good boyfriend?  I really can’t tell the difference any more.  Really wish Louise was still talking to me.  Wish I still thought Louise was OK.  Wish girls weren’t full of these crazy complexes.  Wish I could just have loads and loads of sex.