Now we know you’ve probably seen Avatar by now - there wasn’t anything else to do over Christmas except eat more Cadbury’s Heroes and spend time with the family (the horror), and you’d already seen Sherlock Holmes.  But even though it’s a little late we thought we’d share Tamlin Magee’s take on this bloated sci-fi epic. Tell us what you think…

Avatar is James Camerons’ latest $1098159431073510 dollar film and it’s in glorious, glorious 3D.

Rupert Murdoch’s lot invited us down to the press screening of the soon to be highest grossing film of all time at their Soho HQ - fittingly sleazy - which was a good thing because it meant we got to see it a day before all the plebs (but a day after all the slebs) and for free.

The film has had a fuckload of money pumped into it. You’ve probably seen the blue-faced gawking retard star of the show staring you down from buses and plastered all over the tube. This is because Fox really wants this to be a success and I’m sure it will be - marketing works and people are sheep, sorry guys.

Here’s what Avatar is about. There are some Americans on a weird jungle planet called Pandora which is full of lush green alien jungle and is populated by humanoid indigenous ’savages’ who are sitting on a pile of money in the form of some rocks that are unimaginatively and hilariously called ‘Unobtanium.’

So the Americans are there to plunder the planet and pilfer as much Unobtanium as they can fill their pockets with. A CLEVER METAPHOR FOR STUFF YEAH!?! Anyway, the only trouble is the local savages, some tall blue guys, are deeply religious about this Unobtanium stuff and they don’t want the Americans to take it. They use things like bows and arrows to fight off (eventually successfully-ish) the invading forces. It’s just like Mussolini’s embarrassing invasion of Ethiopia, but with less Mario Bros and pizza.

Speaking of racism and xenophobia, and call me a real cynic here, but the local population are clad in tribal-esque gear with tribal ear plugs, tribal necklaces, and live in tribal huts and stuff. And they’ve all got dreadlocks and talk in some faux pan-African sounding dialect. They’re not stupid but they are natural HUNTERS AND WARRIORS who proudly live off the land. Now does this sound anything to you like Bruce Parry’s patronising narrative in those Tribe documentaries? Because it is, except even more patronising and retarded.

Oh, also the blue people ‘bond’ with animals on their home planet by fucking them with their hair. I’m not joking.

Anyway, the American hero type guy is called… erm, well I forget, but the point is that he turns into one of these blue guys and slowly infiltrates their tribe, at first for the AMERIKKKAN$ but soon he is won over by the Pandorans humble way of life and their love of nature and shit. Predictably he gets involved with one sexy blue temptress with whom he shares the most awkward sex scene ever recorded on film (I can confidently say this having sat through loads of those fuck-heavy ITV period dramas at the age of 12 with both my parents).

The rest of the film is a stupid battle between nature and science, where of course nature wins because science is evil. Blue American Hero Guy becomes the king of the indigineous people in some weird sequence of events that isn’t really explained and takes place in the blink of a blue CG-eye. He rallies the entire planet against the evil invaders, suddenly calling them ’sky people’ [CRINGE] and eventually wins. THE END.

The obvious allure of this film is that it’s visually stunning and has that all important extra ‘D’. Technology wise it is incredible and It looks luuuuuusssssssssshhhh for the first hour or so. Then you start wishing you were just playing Call of Duty or something instead of watching the world’s longest ever videogame cut scene. The 3D provides some amusing moments, for example when Blue American Hero Guy jumps across the screen yelling and throwing green shit around everywhere and into the audience. Oh man, I lost it there.

I think the bottom line is this; James Cameron should give up. Please James, you’re never ever EVER going to make another Terminator 2, so just fucking quit already. And by the way JAMES, did you consider the amount of money you put into this film could have seriously helped out those savages and natives you shamelessly ape the culture of in your shitty film? Probably not. POLITICS!