More life lessons and pearls of wisdom form our resident agony uncle. If you missed last weeks read it here.
“Last night I went to a club with friends and a number of close (female) friends and ended up forgetting the whole evening. Only then to discover 2 whole days after that I had repeatedly grinded like a weird annoying sex pest on one of the said friends (female). How do I make it better so I don’t carry on looking like a sexual predator???”
From Anon.
Rhythmically pushing your dick all over the booty of a female friend is just dancing son. If the bitch has a problem with you grinding on her then it’s that bitches fault for taking dancing as anything more than just plain dancing. Where’s she from? That town in Footloose? Sheeesh.
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“One of my good fiends is a lesbian and she keeps touching my breasts and vagina, but pretending she’s falling over or something. I’m not gay. What should I do?”
From jhkkhkj
Every dude loves lesbians but I say fuck lesbianism, I need all the pussy I can get.
I don’t know how chicks do it but if a another dude was all grabbing at my piece and shit I’d get ghetto on his ass. I’d suggest you say some common phrases you may have learnt whilst listening to hip-hop or dancehall, or a combination of the genres for maximum effectiveness:
“Wah di bumbarass blud?! Man don’t roll like that still” = “What are you doing? I am not a person of that persuasion and I appreciate it if you desisted with your sexual advances”
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“Hey Tuvshin, i have a problem which seem to be apparent among most girls i speak to, all the fit guys are never interested, and the ones who seem to give you attention are the ones you’re not interested in. Is it the same for guys? or should i just put aside the fear of rejection and go balls out up to the guy i like? but would they think I’m not interesting?
helpp.”
From Name
Real talk you and your girlfriend’s sound mad busted. Don’t know if you’re considered butters? Here’s a checklist:
*Do you own any sweat wristbands with a pentagram on it?
*Are all your friends female?
*Are all your clothes ‘comfortable’?
*Are you always the one lurking in the background in group photos?
*Have skittles ever popped out when you’ve sat on a rainbow?
*Have you ever at any time owned a Shaun The Sheep backpack?
*Do you ever feel like no one would notice if you weren’t there?
*Do female friends that are better looking than you call you ‘cute’?
If you said yes to any of them then you are busted, but no worries I got you baby. Imma take your run down ass and to turn you into a fly dick magnet. Just consider me the black Alicia Silverstone. 1. If you’re fat, lose weight. 2. If you’re boat is shipwrecked, show skin.
However if you didn’t say yes to any of them, then your chasing bum bandits and your gaydar is broken.
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“HOW MUCH SHOULD YOU SHAVE. AS A GIRL.”
From lily
Fuck if I know or care.
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“I really want my girlfriend to shave her pubic hair. Would it be sexy for us to have a joint shaving session where we get down with the razors on each other?”
From Munchkin
Son, the fuck is wrong with you? Do you really want to take the risk of letting a clueless woman to take a razor to the lads? What if she accidentally cuts your banjo string? You haven’t thought this through. Also, the fuck is up with your choice of username? Shit is tender like duck breast son.
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“Is smoking cool, am I cool?”
From Anonymous
Do you own a Macbook? Do you own a fixed gear bike?
If you said yes to both: No.
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“when IS suicide the answer?”
From SAD AND LONELY
When you own a Macbook and a fixed gear bike.
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“I really want to get my girlfriend to choke me a bit while we’re doing the do, but she’s a bit straight laced. What is the best way to persuade/trick her into doing it?”
From ‘boy a’
Choke sex is a precious and beautiful thing that occurs when the love between two lovers is so intense that it can only be expressed through light strangulation. I say put your hands lovingly around her larynx and choke fuck the shit out the bitch. She’ll probably reciprocate.
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That’s all for now. If you want Tuvshin to spunk his pearls of wisdom all over your expectant face then post your problems in the comments box below or mail then to [email protected]