I asked you to send me your problems last week, remember?

“I REALLY like cougars. do you actually have any tips for me in that area? There is an older woman on my art course (30 odd) and I want to prove to her I’m man enough for her.”
Posted by ‘An Art Student’

Cougars require Marlon King levels of brazenness. True cougars are looking to get mashed out by younger men but they don’t wanna be seen as cradle snatchers so you gotta ball up on those bitches with the confidence and swagger of a man double your age. You can do this with combination of drugs, desperation and R.Kelly’s Greatest Hits. Real talk; the worst that could happen is you keep not fucking her. Head up player. \

“I only see my boyfriend once a month but it’s always on the weekend I have my period. What are your thoughts on doing it on the blob? It kind of puts him off” Posted by ‘Anonaminimouse’

Stop fucking with a bitch nigga. A real man ain’t got time to be worrying about whether you on the blob, a real man will put a rubber and on and stab it out regardless. Same goes for any dudes for not hitting it because of stretch marks, a bit of belly and shit, the fuck is wrong with you bitch made nuccas? Getting me furious and shit.

“Dear Tuvshin, My boyfriend recently started DJ-ing, he’s been playing in his bedroom for ages, ipods at house parties that kind of thing. Recently he’s getting booked at these dumb clubnights in Nottingham, full of dumb indie sluts throwing themselves at him. I can tell he really enjoys it, although he reassures me its all ok. I hate it, I don’t want be the gf by his side when he DJ’s, nor do I want to leave him to it. What do I do? Should I start DJ-ing? Should I break his hands? Stab the girls? Guide me.

P.S. I’m 22, 5 10″, pierced tongue, and sex is good, (so nothing’s falling short in that dept).”
Posted by ‘Not giving my name!!!’

You can rest assured in the knowledge your boyfriend definitely is or will be fucking around with one of these indie sluts (despite the fact they can’t throw down). He’s a guy. But more importantly, your boyfriend sounds like the type of dude to play electro remixes from hype machine and say shit like “wait for the drop..” and make ironic hand gun gestures, the world needs more guys like him like Lady Gaga needs more nose. My advice is drop him like he’s hot and shack up with a young gun with some flavour, maybe even a fly brother who writes a Agony Uncle column who could fold you like origami.

“How can I get my girl to let me put it in her butt? There’s so much proof (on the internet and even people saying its good) that it feels great but why doesn’t she believe any of it?”
Posted by ‘Anon’

Son…take a seat. What I’m about to tell you might just change your life: Anal sex is mad over-rated. I love booty as much as the next man but I’m from the Beenie Man school of thought. You are going to get shit on your dick. Unless your girl’s just had an enema, your helmet is going to get little gritty pieces of shit on it. Not cool. If you really must then just I suggest doing poppers with the bitch first, get that shit loose, get your finger up there and do a smell test and go from there depending on the results.


Keep sending in your problems and shit people, mail to [email protected], or leave a comment below anonymously, also remember if you’re insecure with the appearance of your vagina or breasts just send in a picture and I’ll diagnose. (I’m legally obliged to tell you I’m on the sex offenders register).’