I totally respect their work, but the following four people would annoy the fuck out of me if they were my friends.

Ol Dirty Bastard
ODB was always the most exciting thing about Wu Tang. He was funny as hell, had the weirdest voice and that video of him singing a Beatles song made me think in a weird way that he just might have been the human embodiment of music. He had great grills and didn’t let social convention stand in the way of anything he did. He even picked up a welfare check in a limo one time. He sounds like the kind of guy I’d like to be buddies with, right?

But what about if I had a new girlfriend who I was really into, we were hanging out all the time and just really super in love, and we had the Dirt Dog round for dinner? You know what he’d do, he’d turn up an hour late, high as shit, and talk about her vagina and tits as if to say ‘I don’t respect your love’. Then he’d refuse to eat what we’d cooked for him, start talking about white devils and invite some prostitutes over. You think he’d even make eye contact with either of us the entire time? His eyes would be in the back of his head and he’d probably forget my girl’s name. Big Baby Jesus, you’ve insulted both myself and my lady and I’d like you to leave.

That guy would be a rude dinner guest.

Ian Mackaye
Minor Threat are my favourite band ever. Fugazi taught me that there were smarter ways to be hardcore than Earth Crisis, and the whole deal with Dischord selling cheap records is pretty cool. Even the Evens record was good, and I don’t know what he’s doing now but I’m sure he’s on some deep shit.

There was a time I would have given my right ball to hang out with the guy but these days I’m not so sure, because sometimes I like to meet women in bars, and I need a guy to go with me to do that. That’s right: a wingman. So I what if I ask Ian to come along with me? Say we get hold of two girls and even though Ian’s spoken for, he is up for being all fun and vibe-y with them and talking to the uglier one so I can get with the hottie. Thanks very much Ian, but I don’t think either of these girls are that interested in fiscal policy or tree-planting schemes in Washington’s city center (does it even have a city center? I’m not American so I don’t know). You don’t even have a TV, and I’m sure you’d love The Wire boxsets but everyone serious and businesslike loves The Wire, even your dorky president. Look, the girls are losing interest and whispering to each other. This is over. Thanks a bunch Ian, jeez. Next time I go out I’m taking Harley Flanagan.

That guy would be an awful wingman.

Varg Vikernes
Varg pretty much invented the second wave of black metal, which is the best and coolest wave of all. The wave with all the murders and the church burnings, both of which he was super into himself. He also made some fucking weird and interesting music and looked really fucking skinny and sinister the whole time. Even his prison pictures make him look totally badass.

But what if he was round my house and we were going to watch some TV because we weren’t going out that night? Dude is a fucking nazi! How would we have been able to watch MTV Base and talk about the girls in the videos without him getting all incensed about negroidification of ‘our culture’ or some shit? What if Curb was on? That’d be off limits because Varg is so damn sure that the jews are on some Zionist conspiracy tip, and imagine what he’d do if I flicked over (for like five minutes to fill time until a movie started, obvz) to Will & Grace? Everyone knows Nazis hate gays more than anything. Thanks for coming over Varg, the chips and dip were nice but the History Channel gets tiring after a while, and you talking over everything to point out how history had been altered ‘n all, that was pretty annoying too.

That guy would be shitty to hang out with at home.

Nicolas Cage
Yeah, I’m into Nick Cage films, what of it? He’s probs my favourite actor ever. That guy can do indie and mainstream type stuff and make it all look cool. Raising Arizona is a classic, Face/Off is the best action movie, like, evz, and I saw that new Bad Lieutenant movie and nearly cried with disbelieve at how totally cool NC looked throughout it.

If Nick and I were going on a road trip, however, things would be a different story because I’d have brought a bunch of mix CDs for our journey to go pick up an armchair I’d found on ebay and he’d have brought a bunch too. But I reckon he’d be pretty into making his mixes stay on the stereo, and guess what’d be on his mixes? ONLY ELVIS PRESLEY. This guy is so unhealthily obsessed with the king that he married his daughter, so what do you think an eight hour car journey with him would be like? Elvis b-sides and Nick talking Elvis trivia, for the whole fucking journey. Jesus, Nick, the armchair guy didn’t want to hear about it either, is that a fucking clue as to how fucking weird you are about this Graceland shit? This was meant to be a fun trip.

That guy would be a bad road trip partner (and imagine doing coke with him).