One, what’s with their weird appliances? They look like gumdrops from the future with their round edges all tucked in under the cupboard like that. Did Hello Kitty make your washing machine? Same with their cars. How the fuck can you fuck in a British car? It could barely fit one black guy.

I was born about an hour North of London in Hitchin way before you were born. When Canada began in the early 70s, they built their population out of British people and we were on the next plane over. I live in New York now but I go back to the UK once a year and I still can’t help but ask, “What the fuck is with British people?”

Stop saying we have accents. You do. Look at a word. You see those letters? The more of them you pronounce the less of an accent you have. We say, “Are you doing all right?” Shit, we even nail the “g” in “doing.” You say, “You doi’ a’ ri’?” You make Nuyoricans sound like Barack Obama. When I’m there I often have to go into the bathroom and just start repeating palindromes like, “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama” just to hear the English language unmassacred for a moment. As Mike Skinner pointed out, you invented the language. Maybe it’s time to give learning it a whirr.

Not sure where they get away thinking they aren’t arm-in-arm with us in the Middle East. I don’t approve of it but there’s blood on your hands too, you pussies. Personally, I don’t think we should have fought ANY wars. Especially the one where we came in and saved your ass from Hitler. Stop pretending your military doesn’t exist.

You know why American blue collars vote Republican? Because they don’t think they’re going to be poor for very long. They don’t want high taxes because they are one major invention away from having to pay them. It may not happen to most of them but at least they’re trying.
You guys are so into staying poor you even have an accent for it. Why don’t you get a big “Poor and Proud” flag while you’re at it? Or do you already? Is it that one with the crossed hammers and the castle?

You’re supposed to be disappointed with a made-up hierarchy. Not make it the core of your very being.

Every time I visit relatives in Britain (this includes Glasgow by the way where we’re really from) I sit in big houses and listen to upper middle class baby boomers bitch about how Maggie ruined the country. Bitch, you didn’t have a middle class one generation ago. You had very rich and very poor and nothing else. Then Maggie let people make money and now you have an inbetween. How do you think you got this giant home?

Wait, what? You don’t like people with red fucking hair? Are you retarded? Who else do you hate, left-handed people? Oooh have you ever seen a picture of Eric Sermon? He has green eyes, barf. You know who I DESPISE? People with cow licks. They’re taking our jobs. I wish they’d go back to Slightly Different Hair Town where they belong.

How’s that working for you guys? We were told we got 9-11 because we’re racist dickheads who have our hands in every oil pie but you guys kiss Muslim tuckus so hard, it looks like you have a mud goatee - and you’re in the exact same boat! Your love of Muslims is as unrequited as NY liberal’s love of American Indians. Get over it.

I love drinking in pubs and having a half-decent argument is about the best thing about British culture but Jesus Christ can the ladies not look in the mirror once and a while? You are slappers. You have a bulging muffin top hanging out of the top of your jeans and, in an irony to beat all ironies, you think you’re “fit.” If you insist on eating kebabs and drinking stout all night, maybe get something a little larger than a baby-T and maybe tone down the arrogance just a pube. I’d rather fuck a dude.

I’ll spare you the diatribe about your terrible food but why the fuck do you allow your government to make last call 11PM? You know what we did when your government was pushing stupid rules on us? We sent them home, on fire.

In Britain, right when you’re getting a buzz – Clang Clang Clang. Time to go home. Well… that’s not entirely true. if you really want to drink more, you can go to a fucking rave or a homosexual restaurant and order food you don’t want. I thought booze was what you’re all about. Now you can’t even drink it? Fuck that.

When NYC invented punk, it was a bunch of art school students playing pop music and some subhumans from Queens making fun of 50s revival Guidos. London assumed this was some profound comment about class and “The System” and turned it into a religion. Chill out you guys. New York is just a place where dumb laborers come to work for the 37 rich people who run the place. We’re just like you but with square appliances, real cars, modest fat chicks, an open mind about hair color, a command of the English language, a basic understanding of Reaganomics, less naïveté regarding our enemies, real drinking hours, and absolutely no class at all.