Boring posh twats

David Cameron (top row, second from left) and Boris Johnson (bottom right) with other toffs at Oxford

In writing this article about the exclusive social networking site aSmallWorld, I really wanted to stumble across the kind of scandal and corruption that would bring the Conservative party, Shell Oil and a cabal of investment banking firms to their knees. I wanted to reveal to the world that there’s this secret and exclusive online social network that the world’s masters, the Lord Mandelsons and Bill Gates of this world, use to meet fellow evil-doers, bringing forth solid evidence that the wild conspiracy theories out there are actually true. I wanted to reveal the secrets of a dastardly online boys’ club of outrageous embezzlement and debauchery, with government officials posting status updates detailing their explicit dealings with drug barons, photo galleries of men in pinstripes cackling as they pump toxic waste into third world water supplies, and Italian prime ministers pimping it in jacuzzis with hookers.

So I set about logging into aSW with my stolen password, in search of the next Watergate. The site refers to itself as ‘a private online community for those who already have strong connections with one another. By invitation only.’ It sounds very much like the online companion to the Bilderberg group, which conspiracy theorists claim is the meeting point for members of the world’s shadowy elite, or the ‘Illuminati’. After logging in, my first task was to search for every member of the Shadow Cabinet in the hope that should one of their ranks be a member, the Tories could be dragged through the mud as bigoted, elitist snobs out of touch with reality and conspiring to construct glass ceilings in society etcetera, and they would be ruined for another generation. My task would be complete, I would be the great investigative journalist of my generation. Bob Woodward and Seymour Hersh would kiss my feet.

Erik Wachtmeister is the founder of aSmallWorld

The search turned out to be fruitless, but whilst none of the politicians themselves are members, quite a few of their advisers, such as the Shadow Chancellor George Osborne’s adviser, Mohammed Ali Azeem, are. Perhaps (and judge me at your will here), Mohammed Ali Azeem is linked to Al-Qaeda or the Saudi royal family in some way? I have no way of verifying this hunch which was based purely on prejudice, and since Conservative HQ aren’t returning my calls, I have to assume that he is as sound as a pound. So I abandon the search for politicians, in the realisation that even though they do certainly move in these circles; such as Cameron and Boris’s notorious antics in the exclusive Bullingdon Club at Oxford University; or John Kerry and George W. Bush both being members of the secret Skull and Bones society at Yale; they are too smart to be openly supportive of such potentially damaging ventures while holding public office.

Over at the classifieds, someone is selling an original Monet painting for €2 million. This is more like it! It’s bound to be stolen, I think to myself. But again, a bit of research tells me it’s all above board. Some little snotty-nose probably lost his trust fund in the recession and needs to sell Daddy’s art collection to pay off his tab at the Ivy. I keep looking for a stolen masterpiece. Aha! A Degas statue on sale for $7.5 million- this could easily have been bundled into a van at the back of the Louvre while nobody was looking. But alas, it is not to be, I am getting disheartened for lack of dirt to be dished on these people.

I have a quick read of the Daily Telegraph for motivation and head over to the chat forum, nauseatingly titled ‘Le Café’- perhaps in an attempt to make the fifty year-old businessmen using their lunch breaks to talk about themselves on an internet forum feel like James Bond on a foreign mission. ‘I’m Awesome’ is the title of one thread.  If the guy who started this thread was a bar of chocolate, he would spend all day licking himself. But there are a surprising amount of threads which are cries for help from people who have just realized, long after the rest of us, that they are actually a vacuous, materialistic scumbag. ‘lonely…’ is the title of a thread by Evgenia Tarasova, which nearly made me spit coffee over the keyboard I was laughing so hard. One of the responses really gets to the heart of the problem: ‘Maybe if you wore something a little more eye-catching so people notice you more,’ replied a suave guy in sunglasses called John Spodek. This really struck a chord with all the other toffs- ‘=))))))))))’, replied Ana Mexsen, evidently nodding so hard in agreement she could not type words.  ‘i agree. red is the new black. almost unnoticeable,’ dead-batted Rachel Divine, disapproving of the lonely woman’s red dress on display in her profile picture. What women really want- ‘shoeeeeees’ comes the reply in another thread.  This really is tedious, like watching the Sex and the City film next to girls who like totally go up at the end of their sentences. Even worse, I’m beginning to feel sorry for some of the poor sods on here who have come to realize that all that they previously coveted and drooled over- the yacht parties and lunches at Claridges- are actually dismal affairs, full of people just as dull as themselves and devoid of any intellectual or spiritual depth.

Miss Lonely's gonna have to get used to this on aSmallWorld

For callous bastards like myself there is plenty of fun to be had on here, laughing at the threads which, with no sense of irony, ponder: ‘should I wear my kilt when I travel?’ or advertise ‘£200m to invest’, but that’s about all. Certainly, the elitist principles behind aSmallWorld are awful, and the people on here are shallow and will die alone and miserable in their Xanadus. But they were probably locked in the cupboard of an embassy and fed pins by their au pair as a child, so we should cut them a bit of slack. As far as the next political scandal goes, I think I’m looking in the wrong place. People with real influence don’t have to brag about it on social networking sites, they just torch the village. What I’ve learnt from my time on the site is that its members are nothing more than second-rate socialites who are only ever interesting when Evelyn Waugh writes about them.

Post-script: For the purposes of full disclosure, the author of this piece notes that he attended an independent grammar school and usually finds rich kids more than agreeable. He has attended rugby matches, counts Brideshead Revisited among his favourite books, and was against the fox hunting ban.

  • murray

    “The site refers to itself as ‘a private online community for those who already have strong connections with one another” what kind of fucked up sick upper class tory wet dream is

  • Name (required)

    I don’t think thats fair on Bill Gates

  • marlon

    platform staff = the sons and daughters of bullingdon club members. stick to taking the piss out of poor people Lewis. this article is too long and boring.

  • jay


  • jj72

    awful site, cant belive it hasn't received more bad press. while not all rich people are twats, the people on Small World obviously are so well done for nailing them

  • bored


  • matt

    no need to be a hater man

  • Guest

    Woooow chippy people. Chip chip chippy.

  • Name

    Perhaps you should re-consider this article given that Blaise Bellville, one of your founders, is a member of that abhorrent community.

  • i think that…

    your parents are blatantly tories

  • Sarah drinkwater

    This did make me chuckle. Especially as Platform is clearly run by a bunch of posh kids. Nothing wrong with that, but why mock your own kind?

    Or is it just the rich who flaunt their backgrounds rather than Alice Dellal style slumming it types you like to scoff at?

  • trotsky

    nice to see platform take an ironic swipe at its toss pot owner blaise bellville. tatler's most eligible bachelor or something. google image search him.

  • A. Thatcherite.

    for fucks sake, its probably considered heresy here but im gonna say it anyways, stop with the tory hating, considering whats going on elsewhere in the political world they are the only reasonable alternative, so i wouldn't knock them too much. and don't knock tattler either, its a good magazine to appear in

  • donot-talkabout-fightclub

    It is the exclusive site for those who put their hair up, not let it down. It's about as rock'n'roll as Barry Manilow on Prozac. It's hardly a place for the 1337, more for the idle and bourgeois to pretend millionaire and come on a bit diamond encrusted with the face of po and a non greasy but still sleazy cream of beigeness. It's like knightsbridge is these days, not tory, more argentinian 'interior designer' (I'll shop with your wallet) sporting gap jeans.

    Mind you, I bet none of them live off maccy D, and while the banality levels can induce a coma, it beats youtube comments saying “yeeeeah those sand-nigger iraqis deserve everything they get!”. So what u whinging about?

    Dat man wot run it is well dry innit. I wish him a happy jacking by the rudest rudes streatham can offer.

    I am a not really very wealthy anarchist with an overdraft of -£9.20, and I have an account. Occasionally I give their forums a light trolling.

  • sunspot

    talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

    how many more volume's will blaise's trust fund last?

  • Blaise Bellville

    I have a trust fund?! News to me, sounds great.

  • mikanos

    people moaning about platform biting the hand that feeds: surely it's a good thing that their writers are allowed to be independent and don't have to represent the supposed 'class interests' of its management? it's funny shit which no-one else has had the bollocks to do so get over it.

  • mikanos

    ps and if it was really that offensive the 'posh twats' could always take them to court. jesus…

  • Elizabeth Sankey

    I really like you.

  • Nathan

    STOP PRESS: Boring Website for Boring People is less Irritating than this Article

  • pingu

    i think sarah drinkwater makes a good point. this article does stink a bit of posh kids trying to distance themselves from other posh kids because they hang around sloane square instead of dalston, and uphold their upper class values and go to universities rather than pretending they're all opinionated amateur photographers and go to camberwell art college.

    no that i have a problem with this, personally i can't stand upperclass toffs.

    but to the author i would say you loose a lot of kudos for your comment about bill gates. my understanding is that he is a pretty sound guy, gives A LOT of money to charity and goes out of his way to avoid indulging his kids and encouraging them to make their own way in life rather than ponce off their fathers wealth. like a few of the latest trendy cool kids that platform aspire to. i think it was sarah who mentioned alice dellal - one example.

    but i'm not an expert on gates, so feel free to correct me if i'm wrong.

  • lewisgparker

    I didn't say Bill Gates indulges his kids- I said he is one of the world's masters.

  • pingu

    yeah you did, i know, but you also inferred that he is an “evil doer”:

    “I wanted to reveal to the world that there’s this secret and exclusive online social network that the world’s masters, the Lord Mandelsons and Bill Gates of this world, use to meet fellow evil-doers”

    and, like i say, my understanding is that he is quite the opposite. maybe it was a bit unclear but the indulging kids bit was just an example of how he seems to be a pretty down to earth guy and a responsible parent, which aren't the traits of a typical 'evil-doer”.

  • lewisgparker

    I bet Robert Mugabe is a responsible parent. But this doesn't mean Bill Gates doesn't wield an enormous amount of influence. 'Evil-doer' may be hyperbolic, but it refers to his capacity as a businessman rather than his personal life or supposedly altruistic endeavours.

  • pingu

    okay i see your point, responsible parenting doesn't = not an evil-doer, though i think we're digressing from the topic a little here. regardless, i think you'll agree its hard to define what responsible parenting actually is, but it may interest you to know mugabe's first son died at the age of 3 from cerebral malaria (who knows whether mugabe's parenting might have influenced this), and his second son was conceived while having an affair with his former secretary, which if you think about it, is kind of bad parenting before even being a parent.

    anyway, like i said earlier, i am no expert on bill gates, but i would be interested to know what makes him an “evil-doer”? i am aware(ish) of his questionable business methods and practices (although i think this is mainly based on a simpsons episode i saw) so i guess you are basing it on that. in which case fair enough. its not a big deal, just that i think its a bit harsh to lump him in with shell oil, mandelson and the conservative party. he's not that bad, surely?

  • lewisgparker

    I was merely referring to his massive influence as a multi-billionaire businessman and the pain he inflicts on everyone who uses a computer with a Windows operating system. From a certain perspective, it is also possible to see Bill Gates as an evil-doer because he is a capitalist- but I won't say whether I share that view.

  • pingu

    okay yeah, i am beginning to see your logic. i don't think you can say he is an evil-doer because he is an extremely influential economic and social position, but i understand where you are coming from on that. your point about the pain he inflicts on windows users is something i can empathize with completely, it's just something i had totally forgotten about since i turned to a rival for repentance all those years ago. actually its funny to think how much i used to hate windows, and i guess gates as well, but that its not even something i think about anymore. its as if it were like some terrible memory or permanently scarring experience that has been suppressed unhealthily at the back of my brain for years and years.

    i can also appreciate your last point, however i try to look at these sorts of issues with a political objectivity, and i think if you were to look at Gates from the opposite perspective, one could argue that he is more a hero than an evil doer (although even from a capitalist angle he could easily be perceived as something of a school bully style evil doer. but with glasses.)

    anyways, since you are admitting that 'evil-doer' is a bit hyperbolic then i am willing to accept a withdrawal of my comments. your kudos will be restored. deal?

  • lewisgparker

    Newsflash! Agreement on the Platform comments section. Take note, folks, this is how to iron out a difference of opinion. Pingu- thanks for being a reasonable person.

  • Elizabeth Sankey

    So proud of you both. No patronising intended, this reconciling of opinion has genuinely made my Sunday night.

  • pingu

    Group Hug?

  • alicecostelloe

    It's kind of silly hating on platform when you are clearly all regularly checking it and hense are commenting on the post, and probably all this anti posh angst is just because your 'boring posh twat' fathers have all lost their money in the recession.


    If YOU'RE going to insult someone, at the very least use appropriate grammar.

  • marlon

    your dumb

  • Elizabeth Sankey

    Alice you are a hero.

  • Name

    'my dad is richer than your dad ' is heroic?

    or is lowest form of po-faced, posh-twat denominator? honestly, the obsession of visitors and commentators on this site to appear, what they thinks of as; normal is fucking scary. youre all clearly quite priviliged and the majority of you have a public school eduction running into the 00s of thousands of pounds.

    so, so far, you are the sum totals of your parents, families or estates spunking a fuckload of money into the bloated private education system (which they probably wired from grand cayman or some such tax hideyhole).

    its a pretty shit lookout for the marlboroughs, dauntseys, bedales and lord wandsworths to read the quality of some of your arguments. the people whove lost it all in this current economic climate ARE the normalists. not you superfund trustafarians.

  • alicecostelloe

    But the real question is, why does it bother you so much that all these people on platform are supposed posh twat offspring? and if they are than why do you go on the site and so associate yourself with them? Is it possible that you only feel the need to criticize these people because infact deep down you feel inadequate? All i'm saying is there's nothing wrong with a good old posh twat.

  • Name

    other than a raft of 'lifestyle' magazines aimed at you and yours. that you have been too blinkered to find them yet is surely your problem. id start with vice, laugh at how much it is like the finished article of what platform pertains to be, and then get annoyed because its still pretty shit.

    im not saying its a problem limited to platform, i respect their editor and contributors. they write, for the most part, very well. and, lets face it, elizabeth sankey makes byrony gordon look like fucking wizadora (in a bowl-cut lamo backwards sense. its a compliment). but they are people from very wealthy backgrounds who seem feel the need to be ashamed and for some reason strive to adopt this anti-culture persona which ends up coming across as contrvied and shiteous (squats, drugs, warehouse parties, hate my heritage, hate posh twats etc).

  • bob

    yep, that's us. xxx

    ps how did you know all our schools? that's creepy

  • Name

    What a god awful article. If you really want to be an investigative journalist maybe you should start investigating something closer to home. Your fucking HEAD.

    asmallword is bollocks but not really for any of the reasons you specify. Try the user interface and their recent move to water down the user base to a collection of any old randomers.

  • state school


  • l

    the hating has really started on ol platters. whats going on kids? chill out! smoke a dooobie! relaaaax mmaaaann! maybe go over to Vice, throw a few neg vibes over there and come back.

  • bishopdante

    bill gates was Dr Evil and is now retired.

  • Anonymous

    You are wrong in assuming most members are toffs. The level of membership has gone far downhill in the past five years that the worst sort of arrivistes make the most noise these days.

  • blank on purpose

    Toffs, dead batted and second-rate socialites. What the fuck are you talking about?
    What a lame fucking article.

  • Anonymous

    Get a life mate!

  • Misunderestimated Twat

    I happen to be the member of that “dead fish society” and have crossed a pen with Joshua and Rachel on a few occasions, as far as your understanding of the both of them is, as they say, nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

    In addition I happen to recognise the writing style of my dear fellow member, donot-talkabout-fightclub, who prefers a Guinean pig wing to the world's most expensive glass-cutter, mind him, his prescriptions are valid.

    Michael Moore is yesterday's news, what does this world owe to you?

  • Platform

    what the fuck are you on about?

  • blank on purpose

    you're a twat! i'm a twat!

  • Anonymous

    i hope you got paid for this, you're obviously poor. :)

  • enamel

    i hope you DO get paid for this, because it's fucking hilarious. can't believe some 'misunderstood twat' has come onto platform to defend those cunts. it's elitist, snobbish, but much worse, as you point out, they're just twats, plain and simple. so shove that it your pipe and smoke it, Tarquin. brilliant.

  • Anonymous

    haha.. what a pussy.

  • Tarno Belterman

    aSW was fun but nowadays newspaper seller has an asw account. Even my fakes receive invitation rights after 6 months. Fuck them

  • The Real Tarno Belterman

    Dearest Reader,

    The comment above has apparently been made by an imposter.

    My name is Tarno Belterman and I’d never talk bad about aSW.

    With my kindest regards,

    Tarno Belterman

  • Vincezena

    mine too!

  • The Real Tarno Belterman

    Dearest Reader,

    My name is Tarno Belterman and all other comments with my name have apparently been made by an imposter.
    I'm very happy with my aSW accounts and I'd never talk bad about aSW.
    If you might have any additional questions, please contact me on InterNations or follow me on Twitter

    With polite regards,

    Tarno Belterman

  • The Real Tarno Belterman

    Dearest Reader,

    My name is Tarno Belterman and all other comments with my name have apparently been made by an imposter.
    I'm very happy with my aSW accounts and I'd never talk bad about aSW.
    If you might have any additional questions, please contact me on InterNations or follow me on Twitter

    With polite regards,

    Tarno Belterman

  • Peter Richter

    I'm currently collecting evidence against the black hat hacker called Tarno Belterman aka Timothy Suharto, probably related to the Indonesian Suharto family. I'm an InterNations ambassodor, and he insulted and hurted me personally, If anybody has more information, please contact me. It is important that InterPol finally can take some action against those activities agains humanity !
    My email address is [email protected]

    Thanks in advance and on behalf of Rosita's Cantina,


  • Steven Dierckx

    mhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Peter stay relaxed, take some camilla tea, mhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  • Elen Steinberg- Brodie

    I am a victim too of Timothy
    He always made jokes about my old Toyota (((
    I'd like to participate in any lawsuit !

  • InterNations Quality Assurance

    Please do not disrupt our current investigation !
    We would are busy on a high level to investigate all susoicious behaviour wich took place on our platform.
    As a professional organization, we think it is the best when we will lead this investigation !

    Regards from a sunny Munich,

    Your InterNations Quality Assurance Team

  • Ay Shvetz


    :-) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


    <lighting a cigarette>
    :-) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Hello world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Peter Richter (FERRERO)

    I'm still collecting evidence against the black hat hacker called Tarno Belterman aka Timothy Suharto, probably related to the Indonesian Suharto family. I'm an InterNations ambassodor, and he insulted and hurted me personally, If anybody has more information, please contact me. It is important that InterPol finally could take some action against those activities agains humanity in order to protect our society.
    My email address is [email protected]

    Thanks in advance and on behalf of Rosita's Cantina,


  • MissSinema

    Did you honestly just say 'crossed a pen'?

  • MissSinema

    If this 'Rachel Divine' character is loaded, you'd think she'd at least be able to afford a top that covers her enormous boobs.

  • Digitalminx

    I think they would all benefit from a visit to this site

    lol, hilarious

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