Hi male students! I’m Robert Foster and I’m a greasy lothario, just look at my hair! Guess what? I’m going to help you get laid. I think you need help because you can’t go into student life using the same shitty techniques you’ve used since you were 14 to get with girls, and I’m worried that’s what you’re about to do.

When you’re young and at school, sending notes and telling a friend of a friend of the girl that you are into her works pretty well, but that’s not going to fly now because, NEWSFLASH: you’re playing with the big boys.

18/19 year old girls are fair game for guys up to 30 years old, and those guys have got the smarts, the cash, the experience and the charm to get your girl. Older dates are fuckers -basically Terry Thomas or Matthew McConaughey in Dazed And Confused- and you’re gonna hate them, but the truth is they actually push you harder to man up and get your house in order when it comes to having game.

I’m older so I’m pretty much one of those sleazy guys now, but to be clear, my time at Art College was ultimately sexless until the third year. That’s because I got really into weed and lived right by a Cash Converter that sold videos really cheap. Every night was movie night, I spent a lot of time in my room and didn’t really hang out with anyone.

There was a point I realized I hadn’t done it for realsies (I’d done it on my own LOADS) for two years or something (SERIOUSLY) and I knew I had to get back in the game and stop spending money on 25 quid porno dvds.

Long story short, I saddled up and got back on the horse by doing some of the things I’m including on the following list, which I’ve compiled from my own experience and the experiences of other student-age swordsmen I’ve known.

Without further ado, here is my Ten Ways To Get To The Part Where You Do It (For Students).

Get Out There

My first piece of advice is don’t do what I did, hanging out on your own and hating on everyone for not ‘getting’ you is a bad look - you may well be better in every way than all the other people on your course but just muck in with everyone to start off with. Having said that, Freshers’ Week is total bullshit and you don’t have to go to those gross parties DJed by shitty children’s tv presenters or get everyone’s numbers on the first day, just don’t be a Negative Nancy about hanging out and then you’ll actually get to talk to girls.

Single beds are your friends

Living in halls is lame because you have to hang out with weirdoes that you’ve been assigned to live next to by an accident of the alphabet, or how late in the day you applied for the room. However, there are two great things about living in halls: firstly, the sink in the corner is great for pissing in, and secondly, single beds are great for getting girls to kiss you. Once she’s in your room and you’ve been watching Family Guy (I swear Family Guy is the best thing to watch with girls) and laughing and drinking for a few hours, it’ll be too late for her to walk through the nasty part of town your halls are in and she’ll have to crash at yours. Those beds are a squeeze and you’ll probably have a playful little scrap over the covers and BAM! Your tongue is in her throat.

Chill out on the rhetoric

Everyone arrives at University as a communist, Vegan, Tory, Scientologist or whatever, I think because they think it’s grown up to have opinions, which it is, but it’s also grown up to know when to shut the hell up about them. I know you’re a passionate Socialist, but are you sure you want to let that stand in the way of getting laid? Don’t argue with/lecture some girl you like just to prove how into Your Thing you are, because politics are boring to hear about when you could be talking about your favourite episodes of Arrested Development and actually laughing and making a connection. In short: talking about politics is kind of for dicks.

Take advantage of not ever having to do anything in the day

College is what, six hours of lectures a week? That is a total joke! The daytime is something people with jobs just don’t have, take advantage of it. If I were you, I’d wait until the end of a lecture, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the class (who I’d already made friends with a little bit) and say, “Hey, what you doing now? I’m going in to town, I need to get some things and I was going to check out that new thing at the Natural History Museum where you can ride inside the intestines of a reanimated dinosaur (or something equally as fun that she hadn’t thought to do herself), if you don’t have anything to do you should come”, then you go to town, do those things you said, but really quickly, then go to the pub and be drunk by 5pm.

Dress nice

Brown chords might have cut it back in the small town outside of Nowheresville where you’re from, and I know you’re just being yourself and that’s what most important and blah blah, but if you want to get with those girls that are so hot even the smell of their hair makes you feel weird, you’re going to have to look OK. Dressing at least like you don’t go shopping with your mother is a start. If you’re stuck, remember these rules: novelty t shirts make people think you have a tiny penis, you can’t go wrong with black Nike Airs, big plaid shirts will always look OK, long coats make you look like a weird nerd (not mysterious at all), flares are quite a long way off being ‘back in’ and old Levis jeans go with anything (they’re like, a tenner from vintage shops).