Now I’m pretty laid back but for some reason, certain people’s faces really get to me. I haven’t worked out what it is yet. I could be walking down the street quite happily, then I’ll glance at someone with one of those faces and - BAM! Instant rage blackout. I just can’t explain it.

Anyway I was on the train yesterday, just casually reading the paper and enjoying the obligatory smell of pasty in the air, when I saw this picture of Cruz Beckham, the youngest of David and Victoria’s spawn. He’s clearly got one of these aforementioned irritating faces, and my blood boiled so quickly I almost pummeled the woman sitting opposite me into the floor for chewing too loudly.

Oh my god what the FUCK is he wearing? Okay for one, this is at his brother’s birthday, and just like you should never wear white at a wedding, you should never upstage the birthday boy. I’ll bet his nice, sweet older brother just wanted to chug a few coke floats and quietly celebrate being 7 whilst trying to get over the fact he’s called Romeo. Then this little toe-rag bounds out of his bedroom all like, “Yeah motherfuckers look at me, I’m a fucking astronaut! Yeah!” What a dick. Just ‘cos your mum dresses like a douche everyday doesn’t mean you have to.

And as for his FACE, oh me oh my, I can’t take it. He looks more like that pug Wayne Rooney than his so-called heart throb of a father (who incidentally is so not hot - just can’t get past the voice). What a little shit. Send him to space. And leave him there.

As you can see there’s a whole lot of hatred in me for such a small child. And yesterday I’ll admit I felt a little guilty for it. So I went home and Googled his (fucking annoying) face to try and convince myself he was in fact, a sweet little child, not deserving of my contempt.

Sadly, all I found was more fuel for my angry child-hating fire.

Here’s beelzebub himself being taken on a shopping trip in LA. In yet more fancy dress. Yawn. I’m not fooled - I can see what’s behind that feigned smile. He’s totally plotting to poo on the floor of Louis Vuitton.

What do we have here? That’s right my friends, more fancy dress. Who does he think he is? Lady fucking Gaga? And what’s with the rowdy face? He’s clearly been spending way too much time mingling with hooligans at his Dad’s football matches.

Oh look here he is being carried ‘cos he’s too lazy to walk. And oh, what’s that? The middle finger? He appears to have perfected the art of the rude gesture (like most 3 year olds) whilst simultaneously ballsing up yet another Beckham photo op - there’s his dad giving it the blue steel in his slick black shirt and trendy aviators  whilst he’s just acting like he’s Cruz from the Block. When he’s actually Cruz from that massive villa up in Beverly Hills. You ain’t foolin’ no-one rudeboy.

Not content with showing his dad up with the whole middle finger incident, he wanted to share his pot of bile equally with both parents. Now if your mum’s trying to look all ‘I’m a diva nice to meet ya’ in her designer togs and perfectly coiffed hair then just leave her be yeah? She’s got it into her head that she’s some fashionista so just go along with it. Don’t be a douche about it ‘cos she’s not got a lot else going for her. So having a good old root round your nose in full view of the paps when your mum’s trying to showcase her like supes stylish puffed sleeves is pretty heartless.

I hope she denied you fizzy drinks for a week. Prick.

When you’re one fifth of one of the most successful girl bands of all time and you’ve got the most annoying child in the world, what do you do? That’s right - let him loose onstage on your reunion tour. Duh! Check out his skiiiiiiillz. Oh God, he thinks he’s so ghetto with his little cap and baggy clothes. Look at him giving it all that, breakdancing like he’s some crazy-ass B-boy. At a Spice Girls concert. Criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge.

Get this boy a therapist. I mean, what the fuck is this? As if he was even aiming for that ball! He’s clearly crap at football and just uses the game as an excuse to test out the moves he learnt whilst watching Kung Fu Panda. And its fairly obvious he’s singled this boy out because he can’t afford shoes and hasn’t got a totally rad dad who can get him free LA Galaxy shirts. 

Oh my God he’s such a little brat, I fucking hate him. They should put his face on condoms to remind people that’s what they could end up with if they don’t use them properly.

He’s so getting sent this on his next birthday:

What a grate gift for the boy who has everything eh?