We love first dates.  They’re so full of promise and potential body-to-body contact, and you don’t have all that fussy relationship business moaning it’s way into your arms.  However we understand that not everyone feels the same way.  Some of you bizarrely find them mildly terrifying, and dare we say it, “lame”.

What the fuck is wrong with you?  Don’t you enjoy sitting sweaty handed across from a complete stranger and trying to be funny, sexual attractive and also judge them superficially all at the same time?  So what if it makes you want to cut off your own finger and shove it in their face so you have something to talk about - it’s all in the name of sweet ass LOVE.

Here’s our bluffers guide.


Don’t build it up over messaging mediums.  We can’t deny that it’s really exciting getting a facebook from some smoking hotty you’ve been stalking for the past three weeks.  Never mind that you already know what their friends look like, where they were last Summer, and have already extensively discussed if your fitter than their sexy exey. It’s still nice to read things from their own keyboard.  Just make sure you don’t overdo it.  Keep it short and sweet, and don’t detail too much about your cat’s birthday/Gran’s funeral - save that gold chat for the date!  When you do set up a meet, make sure you tell everyone you know it’s happening so you put loads of pressure on yourself, and all your work colleagues will do that really annoying “Soo…how did it go?” voice when you schlep into work the next day.  It’s all about the date terror.

Limit yourself to one hour to get ready, so you have three outfit panics, squeeze a spot into a bloody pussy mess, and completely forget to check googlemaps for directions to the sodding restaurant.  Hence by the time you make it through the doors of Nandos Express Hut, you’ll be so sweaty and deranged that you won’t care that your date is super hot/mega ugly, and also won’t have allowed yourself the dreaded “panic time”.  This is where you start off trying to think about conversation topics but slowly slide into a mist of bloody depression and self loathing, until you try and kill yourself by downing the peri peri.  It also means your date will see you at your worst, which is the best way to start any long term commitment – you know, with excruciating reality.

Dates are like C.V.’s – everyone lies on them.  Just make sure you don’t overdo it and end up claiming to be a bisexual gymnast with a degree in burlesque.  In short, don’t be Paloma Faith (especially if you are of the male persuasion).  It’s OK to say you’ve read a special Kafka book or totes loved the limited edition Animal Collective remix by Tinchy Stryder, but when it comes to crucial details about your ACTUAL LIFE, stick to the basics.  You have to think 15 years down the line – do you want to be worrying about that old family friend turning up who you accidentally claimed touched you inappropriately between the soup and the salad? (As in you were made that claim between the soup and salad courses because you were bored.  We’re not referring to some weird innuendo term: “ooh he touched me between the soup and the salad”) ANYWAY  Lie 15 - 20% max.

Kiss them but nothing else. I know, I know - it’s going really fucking well.  You just made them laugh so hard they claimed a little bit of pee came out.  Perhaps now would be the perfect time to suggest they come back to yours so they can wash their pants…or something better.  Think of something better and get them back to yours.  That would be fine wouldn’t it?  The whole blah blah “never sleep with them on the first date” thing – you’ve always stood by that rule before but it’s complete bollocks isn’t it.  It’s utter crap perpetuated by losers who had their heart broken horrendously and in order to regain some sense of romantic control have instigated all these “rules” to pretend they’re “OK”.  You don’t need to worry about that shit, you live in your own spontaneous world that defies pigeonholing.  You fly by the seat of your sexual pants.  That one time you slept with “slutty kid” on the first date was a total one off - they didn’t call you ever again because they died.  The poor slutty kid definitely died.

DON’T BE STUPID, sexy times on the first date is a bad idea not for any Carrie Bradshaw jimmy choo logic, but purely because it takes away the excitement and speeds you into “couple world” before you can say “fiorentina and dough balls”.  Prolong the mystery douchebag.  Kissing is good though.