I don’t believe in superpowers, I don’t believe in gifts, and I don’t believe size doesn’t matter.  It does.  A big cheeseburger is always better than a small one, even if you can’t fit it all in your mouth and it spills down your cheeks and stains your shirt.  But I’m not here to start a quality/quantity debate, to be honest I just wanted to mention the inadequacy of a small wang in order to make less well-endowed men feel shitty.  I’m sorry, but I’ve had a crap morning and felt like inflicting some insecurity on other people.

This is the real subject of today’s paper – Girls Know How Big Your Dick Is.  And no, it’s not your hand span, or your shoe size, or your pronunciation of the word “discombobulating”, it’s the following.

1. You make small dick jokes

Some girls are bigger than others; some girls have junk in their trunk.  And while their boyfriends might adore the apple roundness of their twin cheeks, and other big girls in clubs will slap their tush and shout “oooh watch it wobble” in a sort of big-is-better-lets-celebrate-it way, I guarantee those girls won’t particularly want to draw attention to their large behind with idle witticisms.  They’ll probably pull their sweater a bit further down over it and fiddle with their bra.  The same goes for boys – you can only stand there and joke about a dick that’s so tiny you need tweezers to put it away, if you’ve got a sizeable wurst reassuringly resting alongside your thigh.

2. You’re a bit of a dick

Some boys are douchebags because they’ve got daddy issues, or a girl bullied them at school.  Probably their sister.  But you can always spot them – they have a noticeable weak spot and will bite your hand off and cry if you go to poke it.  Boys with a schlong like a bong have no weak spots.  You can rip them to pieces and they’ll flinch, but recover with a quick shift of their pants.  They have an unassailable confidence that means if they want to be a complete and utter anus, they will, and somehow you won’t hate them for it.  Plus they’ll unrepentantly sleep with your sister, that one who used to bully you at school.

3. You were skinny from youth

I don’t know what it is about weight ratios – hey I’m no scientist, no matter what this highbrow educational paper might have led you to believe.  But it’s a hard on truth that the weight you were during your developing years has a huge impact on how huge your sausage gets (seriously running low on alternative names for penis by the way).  Maybe it’s that your large gut sucks up all the development…atoms…and so there’s none left for the lower region.  Whatever.  Shut up (googles: “Why do fat men have small willies”)  Aha.  See, what happens is those larger gentlemen have a ‘fat pad’ at the base of the penis. When the penis is flaccid, it can retract into this fat pad. The penis can be further hidden by pubic hair.  Also apparently very larger men may not even be able to see their penises without the aid of a mirror as their chest and stomach block their view.  I think my point is made.  Kind of.

4. You dance

You know what?  Carlton Banks has a huge penis.  I don’t care that he was gyrating to Tom Jones or that when he talked to girls he stuttered shit like, “Gee whizz Catharine I can’t wait to take you home and respect you to my mother”, that boy knew how to throw down.  Dancing makes everyone look retarded – I jut out my chin and my eyes look constantly wide and surprised like, “shit I can’t believe I’m dancing!  I’m dancinnnn!” – so anyone who does it has to be filled with a modicum of confidence that comes not from the clothes they wear, or the music they grind to, but from an essential pride in their very core, a pride that screams “I’m amazing at sex” and as we all know size matters (see opening paragraph) ergo sum: stonking great dick.

Here’s some Carlton proof for you…

Look I feel better now than I did when I started writing this, so I take that earlier tiny dick  criticism back.  I don’t want to make anyone feel bad - size doesn’t matter, and yes it is completely what you do with it that counts and blah blah blah small dicks are fiiiiine.