New York Magazine’s recent cover story about circumcision compels me to repeat something I’ve been saying since Vice was newsprint: If you have no foreskin, I have some bad news for you. Some guy cut your dick off.

If you’re a Jew or a Muslim, that’s fucking retarded but if you’re an American, that’s even worse. That’s right, you’re even worse off than some archaic religion based on monsters and goblins from when the average life span was 14 and people were lucky to get a bath every three weeks. In America, you are circumcised because the guy from Kellogg’s Corn Flakes hoped it would discourage masturbation. Way to go, Headless Horseman. Tony the Tiger mutilated your genitalia. Did it work? Oh, during your adolescence you only masturbated four times a day instead of five? No wonder you’re 0.004% better at video games than me.

There’s a lot that annoys me about New York Mag’s 15-page story on baby altering but it’s the same thing that’s always drove me boners about the debate.

1- TRUE OR FALSE: It leads to STDs and even motherfucking AIDS!

True! If you ram your dick into something with no preparation whatsoever, the sensitive skin around there may very well tear and AIDS could get in. Why are you doing that though? Didn’t your father tell you to at least spit on a cunt before you fuck it? Can’t you get her wet?

There was a study done in South Africa recently that noticed men who had foreskins were more likely to get HIV. Ok, you got me. Wait a minute. Isn’t South Africa the rape capital of earth? We weren’t meant to stick our dicks places that don’t want them. It tends to be not so great for the species as a whole. That’s why your foreskin isn’t going to give you HIV. You’re not a rapist.

Now, as an extreme example, if you played in punk bands as a kid and fucked over 300 women in your life, the odds are, at least once, some wasted goth girl is going to be furiously beating your meat while you’re passed out backstage. Even in that insane situation, you will be fine. Even if you fuck her after! Know why? Because she doesn’t have fucking AIDS, that’s why. More on this later.

2- TRUE OR FALSE: It’s unhygienic and it reeks.

True! (A hundred years ago.) Today we are able to wash ourselves daily and even if we forget, we have things called “Wet Wipes” to provide us something called a “Whore’s Bath.”
A note to both sexes: Always keep WWipes by your bed and give a wipe before a sesh. Your genitalia smells like pee.

3- TRUE OR FALSE: It’s ugly.

True! Dudes, if you live in a Darth Vader country where you’re one of the few British-born residents (as I was/am) know this one simple fact: The only time a girl sees your dick when you’re under 25 is when it’s hard as steel. The foreskin recedes when a penis is erect so they look exactly the fucking same (AKA not gorgeous, but, way better than flaccid). By the time a woman is old enough to see your penis flaccid, she is so over how ugly they are, they could look like Jeremy Piven if he had Shane McGowan’s dentist. It’s like when they see your poo. Yeah, it’s gross but that’s life. Saying a flaccid circumcised penis is better looking than an uncircumcised one is like saying a dead mushroom looks better than a forgotten elephant’s trunk. Congratulations!

4- TRUE OR FALSE: If I don’t circumcise my kid, his penis won’t look like my circumcised penis.

True! I personally have never been to a penis-modeling shoot with my dad so I feel gypped we can’t compare his wrinkled Coke can with my strange cylinder. I can’t imagine the kind of teasing and humiliation mixed father/sons have to endure when the tips of their dicks don’t match. I wouldn’t be surprised if that Fort Hood guy wasn’t just another hooded penis driven mad by the word “hood.”