Since the death of JonBenet Ramsay (God rest her soul, luckily a death metal band’s keeping the memory alive though) it seems myself and indeed, the rest of the world, have been fascinated by the child beauty pageant. So I was pretty stoked when some genius at BBC Three came up with the gem ‘Baby Beauty Queens’.


My favourite girl in this particular programme was Madison who really didn’t give a shit, but ironically was the best entrant, and if I was a dirty old man she’d be my first choice.  Her infuriatingly pushy mother gave her the full works before the show, which was held in pageant capital of the world Milton Keynes of course.  The full works included: spray tan (which made her look diseased), eyebrow plucking, and make-up inspired by Jodie Harsh.

While this was great and everything, I was pretty confused as to why she hadn’t done anything about Madison’s pores as the close-up on her t-zone wasn’t exactly flattering. But hey, what do I know?  She had, however, made her daughter a lovely mood board with inspirational phrases; ‘I will be a famous model and make lots of money’, and ‘I will be bigger than Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell’.  How times change – at her age, I wanted to be a farmer.  But my Mum was cool with that. She knew it was just a phase; I’d never be able to shove my hand up a cow’s pooper.

Maddy’s mum also organised a blessing at the local evangelical church - because we all know that one of God’s biggest concerns, after world poverty and Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality, is how his holy children are doing aesthetically.  The congregation raised their hands and murmured to the spirits whilst Madison, looking so rad with her side ponytail, stood up on the stage with a face like she wanted to die.  When the pastor asked her why she was entering the pageant, she simply shrugged and replied, “I don’t know”.  That’s the moment I realised I wanted a child.  A child like Madison.

But while Milton Keynes is totally ghetto fabulous, everyone knows that if you’re looking for a pageant good time, America’s the only place to be. Unfortunately you just missed this contest across the pond, but I know you’re now really desperate to enter a stranger’s child in one, so here’s an entry form for next time.

Note that you’ll need to disclose the child’s height and weight (duh, who wants to see a stumpy fat kid parade the stage?) and list ‘Talents (if any)’. Yes, ‘if any’, as frankly who cares if Courtney can cartwheel, we just want to see how cute she looks in a prom dress.  I’m pretty surprised though that they don’t have a section for entrants to list any disabilities, ‘cos it would be wheely embarrassing if little Jessica’s mum tried to enter her to boost her self esteem following the amputation wouldn’t it…

Luckily, for kids like Jess, the Sunburst pageant has a ‘Photogenic’ section of the contest so you can Photoshop the shit out of your child, and they’ll still get a chance of winning a trophy, even if they look like the elephant man in real-life.  This is especially useful seeing as judging is based on ‘good looks, overall appearance and personality’. Note that personality is last on the list, and probably only shoved in to silence the haters.  Good on them - it’s important kids learn from an early age that the whole ‘it’s what’s inside that counts’ thing is utter bullshit.  Everyone judges a book by its cover - it’s all about how symmetrical your face is, how skinny you are and how big your rack is.  Prime example – when pretty kids go missing, we all look for them.  When ugly kids go missing, no-one cares (9 times out of 10 they’re under a creepy relative’s bed anyway).

So personally I’m all for pageants, I mean, we’ve all seen Little Miss Sunshine – the little girl learns her lesson (she’s fat, she can’t dance and she should really invest in contact lenses) and everyone’s happy. Well, except her brother who’s had his dream of being a pilot smashed to pieces, but he’s a whiney little emo so no-one really cares anyway.