I watch a lot of movies. Its a huge part of my whole ‘High Fidelity’ friendless loser schtick, you know. Even better if a movie has a makeover montage and/or copious gore. Oh yes. Anyway. These are some hilarious cliches Hollywood needs to do away with forever.

Perpetuating the ideal of the ‘dreamnerd’
This is a major pet peeve. You know the type. The quiet boy who makes you mix CDs and reads comic books and is super sweet and oh-so enigmatic. Lets stop pretending geeks are Seth Cohen in a sweater vest. Geeks are spiteful, bitter assholes with superiority complexes and deep seated aversions to basic hygiene. That’s why they’re outcasts! Not because they just need some ingenue to discover that underneath that smelly Intense Hammer Rage t-shirt beats the heart of a true romantic who only wants to hold you while you fall asleep in his arms. Let’s get real.

Hollywood examples: Seth Cohen, Napoleon Dynamite, Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland, Justin Long in general, Max Fischer in Rushmore.

”Why yes, I am a scientist. Thank you for noticing.” - The slutty genius
You can’t just put a pair of glasses on a girl who looks like she just climbed off the pole and call her a scientist (Tara Reid I’m looking at you). You just can’t do that. Its not right. How many Rhodes Scholars do you know with implant scars?

Hollywood examples: Jennifer Freeman in You Got Served, Tara Reid in Alone In The Dark.

And while I’m at it…

The hot ‘unsightly’ girl
How you gonna sit there and tell me I have to pretend Anne Hathaway is unsightly? Esp when glasses or no, 95% of the world’s population would still hit it like the fist of an angry god. Like that movie wasn’t offensive enough.

Hollywood examples: Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries, Rachael Leigh Cook in She’s All That, Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body.

‘Women are like this and men are like this!’ comedies
Along with Judd Apatow and the recent influx of screenwriters who actually know how to write the way humans talk, this decade we’ve also been inundated with romantic comedies that can only be described as torturous. I would literally rather gouge out my own eyes than have to watch ‘The Ugly Truth’/deal with Katherine Heigl’s insufferably smug face again. Riddled with cliches and an ending so obvious a blind man could have seen it coming. Par for the course. Transformers 2 is more realistic than ‘She’s Just Not That into You’.

Women are crazy! They all want to get married! They love to gossip with their girlfriends and talk about how they will never actually get married! They don’t understand why they shouldn’t stalk men! When they get dumped they like to eat ice cream and cry! They all have a slutty friend who talks about how slutty she is all the time! They only watch chick flicks! Its so true!

Its not really though. TBH. That’s why this shit isn’t pulling its weight in DVD sales.

Hollywood examples: The Ugly Truth, He’s Just Not That Into You, What Women Want, Two Weeks Notice.

Chasing people through airports
Yeah, they’ll probably stand aside if you say its for love. In this crazy post 9/11 world we live in? I don’t think so. The only one who could have logically gotten away with it is that really pale kid from Love Actually. Security probably wouldn’t try and subdue a kid. But then again he only made it there in the first place because his step dad drove him to Heathrow on Christmas Eve ‘for love’ instead of smacking him in the mouth. So I don’t know, the jury’s out.

Hollywood examples: Pick a rom-com.

Michael Cera
You know what you did.

Hollywood examples: Michael Cera in Superbad, Michael Cera in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Michael Cera in Paper Heart.