It’s inescapable, we’re all broke. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a bit of fun. We all know there’s lots of satisfying fun things to do in the world but we talk about them all the time and nobody wants to read an article entitled ‘Cor doesn’t doing a poo feel great?’, or ‘coke makes me feel like Kim Jong-Il”, or  ‘Orgasms! Fucking yes mate!’ So here are a few nichey pleasures that you won’t read about in Cosmopolitan.


That sub-head doesn’t really do this enthralling FunTask justice. I rarely get around to doing this, because I really don’t like wasting toilet paper on things outside of the loo. But as a treat, sometimes I get my tub of Nivea, and a small slice of tissue and slowly wipe the rim of the tub so the tissue picks up all the old greying non-useable-Nivea globules, like a snow shovel van. I pull the tissuse from across the inside of the lid and along the outside of the tub where the lid fits into the grooves. You can inspect it after and look at what you’ve got, and think about how clean it all looks now it’s not on the tub anymore.

This works with all kinds of tubs and pots, anything that excretes excess but don’t you dare even think it works with condiments like ketchup/salad cream/mayonnaise because that’s fucking sick.


I’m sure I’m not alone with this pleasure (in fact I know I’m not because I just googled ‘white globule that I cough up sometimes that stinks’, and found countless forums and help sites for it), but sometimes I cough up a white globule that stinks.

It’s so weird, but you sort of feel like it’s your body getting all the shit bits of your insides and then squishes them it into a tiny, condensed block, like how a diamond evolves from coal. Only it’s a really smelly tiny bit of plaque. I normally feel it coming then hock it up into my mouth, play with on my tongue for a bit then put it in my hand and inspect if for a bit. Then I put it back into my mouth where it belongs and eat it. Who needs the Pyramid stage when you’ve got dried plaque snacks.


This is especially good when you’re on the phone to someone boring, because in my  experience computers are generally in a shared or public area, and you don’t want to sit there incessantly scooping dirt from the crannies of the keyboard as people won’t understand. I would recommend using a paper clip that you’ve opened up so it’s a straight line, the corner of an envelope or a brio pen lid.

I’m sure I don’t need to explain but all you have to do is drag your instrument of choice (I’d go for a paper clip always but these days they can be hard to come by, since the stapler usurped the paper attachment throne in 1992), from one side of the keyboard to the other, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes deep, sometimes not so. You mainly pick up crumbs and dust or a hair. If you have never done it and you’re using a public keyboard that has never been cleaned before it feels so good to reach the end of a line (say from ‘/’ to ‘Shift’) and you have a huge clump of stuff that would have never been discovered if it weren’t for you.

Don’t eat this stuff though, put it in the bin, or keep it on the desk and look at in times of stress to remind you of the simple joys of lint.


I don’t know about you, but whilst everyone else mucked up their GCSEs because they were discovering pot and boys, I didn’t excel in my exams because I became obsessed with plucking hairs from my body. Know the rules though, don’t take it out on your eye brows, keep it private. Also, pubes are a no-no unless you’re bang into agony. There’s that rhyme isn’t there:

“Eye brows show the world your obsession,
Hairless forehead teaches a lesson,
Legs and arm pits that’s just fine
Removal of pubes? You’ll be screechin’ like a feline”


It feels good because you’re benefiting your body and it looks great. Sometimes when I pluck a particularly good one it makes my mouth salivate.

*I’m going to stop here because looking back at this I feel maybe that I’m slightly unhinged and could potentially be exposing some kind of obsessive disorder*