Beyonce album campaigns are surreal. First she releases the bait tunes that go to number one and get covered by fat girls from Cheshire on X Factor. Then her album sells a few million copies. Then the people at the record company take all the money they’ve made and go on holiday. And while they’re sunning themselves in the Seychelles, Beyonce sneaks in and puts out some bloody mental rave tune that sounds like it was created in a Tower Hamlets’ basement by a bra-burning ex-convict.

It started with Check On It, which looks like one of the classier things you see on Channel U (or Channel AKA as it’s known now, presumably because it’s “also known as” Channel U).  Extra points for the dreadlocks, the guest appearances from aggressive sounding rappers that we’ve never heard of and the letterbox aspect ratio on the video to make room for billowing pink curtains. This is the sort of thing they play at nightclubs in the suburbs before Brian from Big Brother 6 judges a wet T-shirt competition.

Check Up On It planted the seed, but it’s still fairly standard R&B. Things really kicked off with Ring The Alarm, one of the most aggressive pop songs of all time. It’s like the soundtrack to a banned youtube video where a girl gets her hair pulled out by some bitch with a kitchen knife and Croydon facelift. Police sirens, screaming threats, a video which makes visual references to choking - seriously, Beyonce would fuck you up. Come to think of it, if you were Beyonce and there was a younger, more attractive singer who was encroaching on your success and sleeping with your husband, wouldn’t you kick their face in and make it look like their boyfriend did it? Just saying is all.

After the puke-your-guts-up slush of Halo, the new Beyonce single is called Diva. The deep bass and squeaky loop sound like they should be having shout-outs hollered over them on Itch FM. Instead they’ve got B, deadpan down the mic, yelling “A diva is a female version of a hustler”.  If this video wasn’t so high-budget and Beyonce wasn’t so fit we’d think this was the new Lady Soverign tune.

So there you go, that’s the secret history of Beyonce. The one where she makes empowering club bangers that are about female solidarity and fucking the system. Of course no one buys these singles because they are completely insane. So the history she’ll be remembered for is writing mushy ballads that you hear in cabs at 3am and appearing in embarassing “comedy” films alongside Cuba Gooding Jr.