1. People who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom

I cannot convey the depths of my loathing for these people over the internet. I feel about them the way Pol Pot felt about Vietnamese people. Why? Why can’t you just rub your hands with some soap and water? It won’t take long and I guarantee your Rustlers Mighty Angus burger will taste that much sweeter.

2. Faux Intellectuals

Have you ever been cornered by one of these people? Usually some sullen, anemic nerd who reeks of Lynx and is keen to overcompensate for years of social ostracization. Chances are this dude will continuously infer that you should be grateful he is even speaking to you. His stream of consciousness is a magnificent tapestry woven of smug self importance, delusions of grandeur and barely concealed resentment at the plebians and their fulfilling social lives. Unless you are willing to agree with every point they make, a civil conversation is nigh on impossible. The faux intellectual is never wrong and will either dismiss your opinions as the feeble rantings of a cretinous cretin or argue his point until spittle flies from his trembling mouth and he is crimson with rage. For all their posturing and ego, 90% of the time faux intellectuals aren’t even that clever. Should you find a whole group of these cunts, just watch. It’s like a Chekhov play.

3. Those people who/do/everything

You know those people who say they do everything. Sometimes the things they do aren’t even in the same genre and you’re like, this cat is AMBITIOUS. ”I’m a writer/DJ/photographer/actress and designer”.  And then you see or hear the things they produce and you’re like, oh. I really hate the people who are shit at all of the things they say they do and have business cards and you have to pretend their black and white picture of a door is really artistic or the ugly dress they made, held together by a few stitches and prayer, is incredible watch out L’Wren Scott! I also hate the people who are actually good at all those things because its like, fuck you for being talented and making me feel bad. Assholes.

4. Middle aged Twilight fans

o my god i lov edward so much! he is sooo hott! i fink bella shuld never hav kissed jacob lol edward is much hotter!

Imagine that being squealed over and over by a grown ass woman and you should get the general gist. I don’t dislike Twilight. A lot of people think I do but I don’t. I think the books are ridiculous and potentially dangerous, but also understand that some people, sane people, view them, just as a kind of silly, escapist guilty pleasure. Likewise, a 14 year old fan with braces who thinks Flo Rida’s ‘Low’ is the pinnacle of musical triumph will not elicit scorn from me.
However, if you’re a middle aged mother clutching a dog eared copy of New Moon and screeching outside of a West End Cinema at 4 in the afternoon, then I consider you to be mentally stunted and therefore also fair game. Unwavering in their belief that Twilight is like omg the best book eva, they congregate on any related website, with their retarded user names like ‘cullen4eva’. The worst category in this varied cavalcade of nutjobs are the ones who actually aspire to fall in love with (literary character) Edward (the creepy, 104 year old, emotionally abusive vampire who watches his girlfriend sleep and disables her car so she can’t see her friends) or someone just like him. But he’s so sweet! And he’s so perfect! Squee! Hope you don’t lie awake why your last 3 marriages didn’t work! It makes me laugh that even the dude who has to play Edward hates him. Also I had to sit next to one of these crazy bitches at work and she stank and would not stop quoting Twilight to me. Not a fan.

5. Idealistic university students

The ones who go to ‘fresher’ parties and talk about how great they were the next day without a trace of irony. The ones who say ‘uni’ and develop a lofty contempt for ‘the corporations’, lecturing you while they sip Starbucks and tap away on their Macbooks. The ones who talk about how fantastic it is all the time and lament the fact that less people are going into ‘higher education’. Suck my dick. Its almost worth the wait enduring these douches until the novelty of ‘higher education’ wears off and they are collapsing under the weight of their assignments and have blown through their student loans buying coke and hilarious t-shirts that say things like ‘NUDE GIRLS DRINK FREE’.