I’m an average looking guy, maybe a 6.5 with a nice personality (which is all girls say they care about anyway) and I guess I dress pretty nice. I’m like the guy in High Fidelity in that I’m moderately well read, moderately intelligent and moderately charming.

Girls sometimes like me because I can be quite funny when I’m on my game and I know about TV (girls watch loads of TV). I guess I do OK, I’ve never really had a shot at doing it with a bona fide celebrity though, which bugs me no end. I live in London so it’s not like I don’t see them around, I’ve just never been in a situation where I could get a decent crack at someone on the a list you know? But if I ever got in that situation, here are the girls I reckon would be DTF (down to fuck):

Paris Hilton

Don’t you get it? With her it’s totally an act! She’s a sharp kid and she totally gets it! Me and her would be sarcastic together -I would get the subtle nuances of her jokes and she’d be into it, because she’s bored of dumb pop punk boy band douches who didn’t finish high school and boring eurotrash playboys who only talk about themselves and listen to ‘chill out’. Those guys don’t get her at all.

I went to boarding school too so I’d be able to be arrogant enough to keep her interested and I’d bang her out a million times harder than the manicured puff in that video. I am deadly serious when I say I reckon Paris would be amazing girlfriend material.

Jennifer Aniston

I know she’s a good fifteen years older than me and she’s not stupid, but she’s just been hurt so much and I think I could be her shoulder to cry on because I’ve got a lot of hurt inside me too. We would talk for ages about how bad we are in relationships, how much we just wanted to meet ‘the one’, settle down and stop all this mucking around. We’d probably leave the party we were at and walk outside for ages, maybe in the rain, all the while talking openly about our fears, hopes and aspirations, laughing, joking and just connecting.

We’d probably head back to the party as the sun was coming up, having not realized how late it was because of all the talking. Then we’d try and find a spare room to sleep in at the house, they’d all be full so we’d just take some rugs and curl up in the garden as the sun was coming up (this all happens in the summer FYI) and then BAM I’d slip it in as we were spooning.

Kelly Osbourne

That girl is just a My Chemical Romance fan who was in a TV show about how appalling her family is, it’s a terrible thing to say, but she’s a fucking nobody. She’s pretty tubs, very dumb and I reckon she takes herself waaaaaay seriously- in a ‘people don’t take me seriously but I’m actually really deep and know about Interpol and shit’ kind of way. I’d agree with her about most stuff (if you do that thing where you disagree with a girl who takes herself this seriously, she’ll just hate you for it) but I’d also throw in the names of bands she’d never heard of to confuse her.

I’d show her my sailor tattoos and she’d bang on about what her next one was gonna be for fucking ages (yawn) and then I’d be like ‘you wanna come to my house and listen to the new Cold Cave LP?’ and then I’d do it on her.

The girls off of Rich Girls

Remember that show from four years ago? One was Tommy Hilfiger’s daughter and the other had a really rich but unglamourous dad and they just hung out, talked about themselves and made out with rich nerds. They were so incredibly stupid, unimaginative and unattractive despite having all the money in the world, and you can tell they kinda knew those things about themselves and overcompensated pretty hard.

Just like with Kelly, I’d agree with them on everything (they’d probably want to talk about how they hate being pigeon-holed as rich or something equally dull) and just tell them I had some banana dacarais at my house (I don’t think I’d take them to my house though, the interior is like a Turkish prison and I think it’d scare them off). Then I’d put the serious moves on after they told me how hard it was to be given everything and not having to work ever.

(The best bit is I could totally have a threesome with these two because they’d be so into proving themselves to be interesting, it would be really forced and awkward and they’d do that thing that girls who aren’t sexy do to be sexy (make gross noises) and I’d definitely be sick after, but I’m not saying I’d enjoy it, I’m saying I could do it).

Megan Fox

People are so into her that they’re scared of her, so I bet she never gets approached by anyone who isn’t a total lunatic with a ridiculously high opinion of themselves. I reckon I hate myself just enough to go up to her and be all effacing and shit, and she’d be so charmed by my cute nervousness that we’d be doing it in the toilets within minutes, assuming, that is, that my nerves didn’t stop me from performing, which I think they might with this one.

Peaches Geldof

I’m ok thanks.