When I was about 13 I only wore black, was mildly obsessive compulsive, and embarrassingly desperate to know what my future would hold.  Probably because my day-to-day life was so dull that just thinking about it makes me…



In order to develop some sort of personality, hobby, and because I thought boys might be into a witchy/spiritual type (HAHAHA), I got into palm reading and tarot cards.  It was total bullshit, obviously, but that doesn’t stop every person I ever mention it to looking at me wide eyed, and squealing “Do mine, do mine” until I grudgingly relent.  So in order to stop that happening here is a guide to three basic lines that show the truth in your hands.  Come on, you know you want to.

IMPORTANT: Look at the paw you write with.


This is the half moon skin-crease running from your thumb to your wrist – birth to death.  Any breaks or small lines cutting it represent an accident, or crucial event in your life.  The big shit; falling off tables when you’re a baby; crashing your car into a lake when you’re a teen; or having a fist fight with Professor Biology at a Parent Teacher conference aged 45. It’s going to happen, check your palm.

-    If the line is really strong, you’ll be like one of those Italian barons in Olivio adverts, dying all crinkly in the sun aged 120.

-    If it’s short and shallow you’ll live a life controlled by The Man, so maybe invest in some Minor Threat and practice looking really PISSED OFF all the FUCKING TIME.

IN FACT: Listen to this:


-    If you have extra lines running parallel to the curve it means you’re super strong and could totally get away with spandex.

-    If it’s straight and close to the side of your hand, you have (yes I am saying this is an absolute definite) a cautious nature, and aren’t very open minded/adventurous in regards to love.  Well…hmm…this is awkward.

-    Conversely if it is a rounded line you’re totally chilled out, so laid back they call you ‘table’, and one smooth operator when it comes to loving.  Hi  there.

-    If the line doesn’t curve round at all but goes straight to the middle of your palm, you are a jet setting type, doomed to a horrendous life of awful traveling with all the other weirdos who think living out of a container on their back, like a freaking snail, is worth wasting money on (can you tell mine doesn’t do that?)


This is the straight line sitting above your Life Line, stretching from the side of your hand towards the centre.  It’s reveals the truth about your opinions, beliefs, and general demeanour – important things - if you believe in ghosts, if you follow the Pope on Twitter, and if your Norwegian au pair once accused you of having “an attitude problem” (Miss you Trine).

Couldn’t think of a good ‘Head’ song, so here’s the Norwegian National Anthem.


-    If your head and life line are joined at the beginning this means you’re one of those, “No come on now guys, we all know the 20 minute rule is bollocks, we can’t just leave School.  I’ll go and find the teacher” people. Lame.

-    If they’re separate you’re probably the best person at every party, but also often described as “wacky” and “a totally craze bag” so…Also lame.

-    If the line is straight and deep you’re very realistic and logical.  Hence it’s not worth saying much more about that lot as there’s no way they got further than the first sentence of this post.

-    A wavy line means a short attention span, but you’re intelligent with it.  You probably read random pages of Wikipedia, start to tell people about it, but then get too interested in TED.

-    A line curving up means you’re a scatterbrain.  You were probably trying to find something on Wikipedia, have no idea how you ended up on Platform, have one finger in your tea, and are counting backwards from 35786290 in your head.  Hi there.

-    A line going in a downwards direction means you’re imaginative and creative. Blah blah blah, I swear everyone in the whole world is “imaginative and creative”.


Emo alert (on spell check it tried to change that to ‘Elmo Alert’).  So this is the line above your head line.  It’s where we can make swift and unfounded judgments about the hand owner’s ability to accept love, “Why can’t you accept her love?!” Seth Rogen, Knocked Up , 2008.  The stronger and deeper the line, the stronger and deeper your devotions.  I am listening to Boyz II Men as I write this, so strap in your romance pants, and buckle up your love belt.

IN FACT - listen to this while you read the next section.

03 End Of The Road

-    If the line starts beneath the index finger you’ll have a contented and normal love life.  BORING.  Boyz II Men never wrote a song called, ‘The Contented and Normal Road’.

-    If it starts under the middle finger, watch out.  You’re most likely to take a selfish and materialistic attitude to sweet, sweet loving, and if it starts between the index and middle finger it suggests you easily give your heart away.  Cue B2M lyric, “Girl I’m here for you, all those times of night when you just hurt me, and just run out with that other fella? Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care, You just don’t understand how much I love you do you? I’m here for you”.  Selfish bitchard.  How could you break Wanya Morris’s heart like that?

-    A STRONG and bold line going across the palm means you set your love sights on people who are a bit more powerful than you are – Paul Daniels and Debbie Magee are perfect examples of this.

-    If the line curves up you are a die hard romantic, and inclined to put everything into your romantic actions.  John Cusack, standing outside your house, boom box over his head.  Romantic? SOUNDS CREEPY.

-    Short line means you basically have no heart and will die alone.


Here’s some sexy palm reading in Betty Boop: