‘Miranda’ is a sitcom on BBC iplayer, and probably on the normal telly too, one of those ones with a wobbly soundstage set  and two-dimensional characters.  It’s tacky, and weird, and I love it.  I love the way the main character – Miranda, obviously - throws her ungainly frame around in each episode, tripping over chairs and falling on her pillowy boobs.  I love the way she tries to chat up the archetypal ‘good looker’ man, complete with chiselled jaw and personality of a tampon, and ends up talking about her rash.  Then looks at the camera and mouths, “what am I doing?!”

It’s so bad, but it’s soooo good.

In lieu of its success, I predict we’ll be seeing a spate of similar cheese-fests, featuring more well known main personalities bumbling through life.  Stupid set-ups that unfold with disarming predictability, and feature a cast of stereotypes straight from 1965.  So I thought I’d nudge in there first, like some high powered producer douche, and pitch a few ideas of my own.


Ross Kemp in ‘Ross’.

Remember the episode of Eastenders where Martine McCutcheon’s character (who by the way has an autobiography called ‘Who Does She Think She Is?’) dies and the final scene saw her husband Grant staring up at the rain?  Crying?  And the shot started from up high and then zoomed into his face for an extreme close-up?  Good.  Well imagine a spin off where Grant’s character has recently emerged from some break-through therapy (I think Grant may have died, but lets ignore that), during which he’s finally got his life back on track.  The only problem being that he cries at everything, always using that same high shot from above and then zoom in on his big potato face.  Obviously that might be expenisve, and eat up a lot of time on the show, but trust me.  It will be worth it.  The L’oreal of BBC in-jokes.  His child with Tiff will have grown up, and in some weird twist of comedic genuis, will actually be played by Martine McCutcheon.  Which will result in some hilarious (and mildly creepy) misunderstandings.

Note to casting:  We’ll have to get in some Benjamin Button CGI.  I’ve had a go on photoshop and you just have to click the magic wand under Martine’s eyes a few times and she looks about 12.  I even thought we could be really progressive and make her bits stop motion so we don’t have to actually hire Martine McCutcheon.  Apparently she got really up herself during Eastenders:

According to one NandoMasch of Youtube:

Martine McCutcheon had become very difficult to work with (a reputation that has kept coming up) and she wanted to go off and break into films.

Although Smck 2009 contests:

she actually left because she signed a record deal with Virgin Records, films didn’t come until later. As for being difficult I dont remember any such stories and I? [don't know why she's put a question mark there] was a huge fan at the time and read everything in the papers and magazines.

Believe who you will, people, but I’m not taking any chances, especially when the idea is this strong.

Tony Blair in ‘Tony’.

It’s 2013, and Mr. Blair has finally come out as gay after it’s revealed Cherie is a cyborg.  He is now running a chippy in Margate called ‘Blair’s Batter’.  He’s as camp as the day is long, and spends his hours making innuendo with his Spanish batter assistant Pedro, and dealing with his crazy array of local customers.  Cameo from a member of the Thatcher family each week, whose slightly racist but loveable remarks he bats off with charming alacrity.  Each week there is a run-in with a local gang of kids who he “sorts out” by sitting them down and explaining, “in urban terms” why they shouldn’t do something naughty with camera phones.

He also tries to re-juvenate his ‘Am I Bovvered’ sketch with Catherine Tate, but by then she’s Prime Minister (or rather her character ‘Nan’ is) and she doesn’t have time to take part in such frivilolity.  The sitcom is not all fun and games, with dark episodes such as ‘Red Mackrel’ where Blair gets hit round the head with a wet fish by some anti-war demonstrators.

Probably this guy, slvrfang of youtube:

If Hitler or any other politician did this bovvered thing we would have exactly the same “hilarious” posts, except by different people.


Balloon Boy in ‘Boy in Balloon’.

After their insanely successful attempt to garner publicity for their son who can vomit on command, the Balloon family are perfect sitcom fodder (can’t be bothered, or bovvered – eh, Tony? - to look up their real names).  Each week sees the father making ridiculous plans to desperately push them under the noses of journalists, from lies such as, ‘My son is secretly me’ to, ‘My wife can speak Elvish and she’s having an affair with Gandalf who is secretly me’ to ‘Sometimes I wake up screaming, probably because I’ve sold my soul to the devil, who is secretly me’.

They always get pretty far into the scheme, with neighbours and family members along for the ride, and farcical running-around of ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ proportions.  However, the plan always fails right at the last moment, as balloon boy embarrasses his parents yet again by looking at the camera and delivering the now iconic line, “Gee Dad, but you said we did it for the show”.  Cue gales of laughter, a pinched cheek for the little scallywag, and his father slowly shaking his head and sighing.

Then the show ends with some honky tonk piano and loads of brilliant out-takes.  Would also feature Carlton Banks from ‘Fresh Prince (of Bel Air)’, as the excitable Police Officer who falls for their rouse every time, and then dances to Tom Jones in order to distract the Chief when he’s telling him off.  Chief is played by Super Intendent Chalmers from ‘Simpsons’ (as you can see, I think it’s only a matter of time before animation is mixed in with live action on sitcoms around the world, and I want to milk that cash cow before everyone else starts drowning in its dairy juices).

I might ask this man to co-write with me, he seems to really ‘get’ the ‘idea’:


LOL i remember i was riding up to foco the day the baloonboy happened, and my dad and i got a flat tire at fossil ridge while all the news vehicles were speeding by us and i was like “LOLOLOLOL fags” that family always does stupid shit in town for attention, like all the flyers they posted last summer.


I let you know when I get the commissions through, open auditions will take place in February.