There’s a Chinese proverb that goes something like: “He who is not a radical at twenty has no heart, but he who is still a radical at forty has no head”, which is nice, because it’s letting you off saying stupid shit when you’re young. So go ahead and say it, but rest assured a lot of it is stupid shit for sure.
Here are some examples of things you might say, and how they are dumb and come loose as you get older:
“I’m a communist”
Yeah, you’re the family’s political firebrand and you ruined your sister’s birthday dinner by arguing with your granddad about healthcare, you’re fucking shit up at school with your confrontational stance in history lessons and girls dig how you know about books and have a passion for social justice.
But have you ever been to Russia? Play those guys a Sonic Youth record and they’ll look at you all puzzled before shooting your dog and stealing your shoes. Also, you really want everything to be run by the state? Even the record stores and the fashion industry? How far do you want to go? You want government issue jeans? Of course you fucking don’t, and you will realize that and get over it. Plus, your granddad is 80 and loves you very much, don’t fuck with his ideals.
“I hate Christmas”
Hanging out with your dickhead dad, your bitch mother and spoilt siblings who don’t get you even a bit is such a drag. You’re a vegan and your mum doesn’t respect that and ruins your nut loaf by pouring real gravy on it and then you go upstairs to your room and listen to Merzbow while your family sings carols. It’d be so much better just to be on your own in your flat/apartment smoking weed with your friends from university who also have no sense of humour about food.
But have you not seen that episode of Roseanne where Darlene and her boyfriend are eating Macaroni cheese on Christmas day because they ditched their families? They fucking hate it! After their shitty poor people’s Christmas they came back to their fat parents who knew how to cook, could afford heating and had bought them decent presents, which is exactly what you would do too. Also, eventually, you’ll get kids of your own, stop being such a selfish fuck and enjoy the company of people who love you even if they don’t get what it is about Einsterzende Neubauten there is to like.
“I’m never going to get married”
What an outmoded tradition, getting a woman to be subservient/tying a man to one woman, all those bullshit suits and dresses and getting some fake religion involved in your life. You and your girl don’t need some fucking piece of paper to prove you love each other and as soon as you get married the sex stops so why would you do that?
But what about when you and your girl are 40 years old and you are still calling her your girlfriend? It’ll look pretty ridonkulous, but what are the alternatives? Are you going to call her your partner? That sounds like you’re either in business with her or she is a man that you are dating, which is obviously fine and all that but not actually the case. So just get married because you’ll have a great day being centre of attention, she gets to wear the dress of her dreams and later on you won’t feel like it’s ok to leave her without giving it serious thought.
“Uniforms are for fascists”
Uniforms are just a way to keep people from expressing themselves, they’re a tool of the government to stop the workers from thinking for themselves and when they made you take your nose ring out at Pret you just quit right there on the spot because it’s a fucking infringement of your liberties.
But have you ever been to an independent bookstore where the staff don’t even have nametags? It’s fucking impossible to work out who you should be asking questions to. And would you really like your grandmother being treated at hospital by a doctor who she’s scared of because he’s a retarded Korn fan with green hair and contacts that give him cat eyes? Worse still, you want that same retard delivering the news to your family that grandma passed on due to the bowel cancer reaching all her other organs? You don’t want that at all.
“I’d never sign to a major/compromise my music”
Of Montreal are dickheads for selling their songs to car adverts, fuck Earth Crisis for signing to Roadrunner, Iggy Pop has a become a corporate stooge (geddit!?) for doing those insurance adverts and Pavement only reformed for the money. Fuck majors, they’re all linked to arms companies and they suck the life out of the music.
But have you heard of this little thing called paying the bills? When your parents stop doing it for you, you have to do it yourself. Its horrible but it makes you realize that making music just for yourself is dumb (and, if you read back the phrase itself, kind of selfish) when you could be making it for an enormous audience and get the recognition that you would obviously love to get. Just sign on the dotted line dickhead, they’re giving you a hundred grand and all you have to do is spend more than a day in the studio and learn to sing in tune. Oh boohoo, you have to play on a kids tv show? Led Zep did that shit all the time.
Also, Bleach is a piece of fucking shit compared to Nevermind, At the Drive In were any other sub Fugazi chancers until they got Ross Robinson in to do Relationship Of Command and all music before 1980 was on a major, so get over this shit because you’ll just end up an angry internet commenter, and no one wants that.
Growing up is shitty but at least you’re getting less stupid the older you get.
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.
