Everyone loves a good conspiracy theory, it’s just more fun to not be thinking what everyone else is. Plus there’s that huge “yeah fuck you mainstream media” vibe going on. Here at Platform we’re not experts on conspiracy theories, but this one has got to be one of the best. I mean come on guys, Morrissey knew that Princess Di was gonna die? Yeah.

There’s this site that has all these totally fucked up ideas about how The Queen Is Dead is basically just a prediction of how Princess Diana was going to die. It blows that theory about OK Computer secretly being a sountrack to 1984 by Orwell totally off the scale. As far as we can gather from the jumble of stuff on the site, the theory revolves around the following “main points”.

The Queen Is Dead
Oddly enough, the title album song is a main thrust of the argument. Basically Diana’s car smashed into the 13th (unlucky for some) pillar in the underpass in Paris. The guy who came up with this theory then counted 13 words into each side of Queen Is Dead and found the words arches and smash. Bugger. He also points out that inscribed on the vinyl edition of the album are the words them was rotten days, taken from the film Saturday Night, Sunday Morning. Of course this all makes super sense because Di crashed on Saturday night and was pronounced dead on Sunday morning; for her they were pretty rotten days. Convinced yet? Thought not. But fear not, there is more madness afoot.

Frankly Mr Longshanks
I’ll make this boring bit brief. there was this king of England called Edward 1st, he conquered Wales and hence gathered himself the title of Prince Of Wales. He also got lumbered with the rather stupid nickname of Longshanks because he was ridiculously tall, which correlates nicely with the second song on Queen Is Dead, Frankly Mr Shankly. There’s a superb little breakdown in the middle of Frankly Mr Shankly that pretty much sums up Diana’s life:

“Fame, Fame, fatal Fame
it can play hideous tricks on the brain
but still I’d rather be Famous
than righteous or holy, any day

but sometimes I’d feel more fulfilled
making Christmas cards with the mentally ill
I want to Live and I want to Love
I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of”

I don’t know if Diana ever actually made Christmas cards with the mentally ill, but it’s certainly got her whole “I’m a lovely person who’s not just a gold digger” vibe spread all over it. Hardly a motherfucking coincidence right?

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
Apparently this song was only ever released as a single in France, which kinda sucks for everyone else. In 1987 this monument was erected above the underpass that Diana crashed in which was called the Flame Of Liberty, but fondly known or refered to as a “light that never goes out”. Turns out it’s an exact replica of the torch that the Statue Of Liberty holds, given to France by America as a symbol of solidarity. Kinda blows that France only get the torch though. Anyway, this monument turned into Diana’s unofficial monument after she died, covered in flowers and stuff. Even more convincing than that though, is the lyrics to the song. Put simply, it’s about a couple out on a romantic date who fantasise about being killed in a car crash in an underpass. LIKE WHAT? Go read them yourself if you’re not convinced.

You’re pretty excited by now right? You really think that Morrissey knew Diana was going to die? Isn’t this just the best conspiracy theory ever? No? Oh. Well go read some more and see if you’re convinced.