Now that I’ve got your attention…

Given how incredibly important I am at Platform, I have access to certain parts of ‘the back end’ that regular contributors could only dream of. One of these parts is the ever fascinating Top Pages list, which as the name suggests, lists the week’s most popular articles. And as hard as I try, my stuff cannot get a look in.

The most popular part of the entire website remains that Skinny Dipping on Hampstead Heath photo shoot (the massive influx of hits for that one article is what put Platform offline for a few hours the other week) whilst second place is filled by The Girls of American Apparel. Other sexually-orientated pieces such as The Walk of Shame, Masturbation, When The Virgins became men and Ex-Masturbator all take up places in the top ten.

The message soon becomes clear: If you want a successful article on Platform, write about (or even better, photograph) nudity and/or sex.

Of the various topic links at the head of this page, only ‘Blog’ has been clicked more times than ‘Sex’ and if that’s not the most precise summary of youth culture today I don’t know what is.

So what am I supposed to do? I’m meant to be writing about music, a subject that has had relatively few sex scandals of late. The ones that have happened would hardly make for the most titillating stories on earth:


Maybe it’s better to just give up and accept the fact that music is one of the most boring things on earth, and as hard as I try, I will never be as captivating as a series of photographs of semi-naked girls in North London’s largest outdoor Lido.

In the spirit of cleansing, let’s take a communal look at the most incredibly dull bits of music ‘news’ from the past week (most of which have been nicked off the NME website):

Glasvegas admit they were ‘terrible’ at last year’s festivals
Just because it’s taken them a year to notice doesn’t mean that the same is true of the rest of us.

Madonna falls off of her horse’ again
She suffered ‘˜bruising’. Admittedly, the cause of this one is quite funny, with the accident being blamed on the horse being ‘˜startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes’. I can see great potential for a side scrolling video game.

Owners of largest file sharing website on earth found guilty of piracy
No fucking shit.

Lead singer of The Enemy denies being ‘voice of a generation’
I guess it’s lucky that no one has ever made that claim then. You should read this one first hand to be honest; some of the stuff he comes out with is truly unbelievable. On politics: ‘˜We just have two political parties which are exactly the same. And that’s why young people don’t vote.’ THIS MAN IS A REVOLUTIONARY.

The Kills announce plans to re-release debut album
The world announce plans to re-ignore release of debut album.

Morrissey condemns meat eaters at Coachella Festival
He’s still being a preachy little bitch then. Still, at least he didn’t have a go at immigrants again. Fucking foreigners.

Eminem to make live return in May