1. I wouldn’t have to spend an embarrassing amount of money on hair products.
2. My hair might actually become healthy enough to grow more than 6 inches long and I could be one of those au natural west london girls who wear big army boots and boys t-shirts but still look shit hot because of their sexy long knotty locks.
3.Builders won’t make such a massive deal of me walking past - They may be 70ft up a building construction with no possible way of knowing if I have scabies all over my face - but the white hair leads them to the assumption that I’m not only a pre-op aspiring Page 3 Model, but also BANG up for it.

1. It will take twice as long to pull out of a junction onto a busy road in my car.
2. I will look less hot.

Another round of bleach it is then.

Surprisingly enough hairdressers aren’t so keen to explain the process to you when you’re paying them 100 squid a pop to do the job.  I spent years trying to work out how to turn my crummy bathroom into a bleachy Toni and Guy. I still don’t know if this is right but it seems to work for me*.



Or just sit on your lazy ass and order from the site

You need to buy:
1. Some powder bleach sachets.
2. Some cream peroxide (I use 9%, but my hair is naturally light brown** so if you’re darker maybe go for higher percentage)

3. A toner. I use this L’Oreal Majirel one in ‘Lightest Ash Blonde’ because it’s the most expensive and that surely means it works better right?

4. Some rubber gloves.  I use the washing up ones in my kitchen because I spent so much money on the bloody expensive toner.
5. A mixing bowl and tint brush


Mix the powder bleach sachet with some peroxide in the mixing bowl. Keep adding the peroxide until it is a nice creamy white consistency (trying very hard to resist the obvious reference).
Put it all over your hair. If you have long hair you might need to mix up some more of the good stuff.
I can’t tell you how long you leave it on for. Depending on your hair colour it could be anything between 10 minutes and an hour. You need to watch it like a hawk. It will go through the orange phase - then eventually white… Then green, and if you get to this place I feel really bad for you since I have no idea what to do about that.

Once it’s at the white stage you wash it out with water and a little shampoo. If you have REALLY dark hair I believe you’re supposed to take it up to ginger, leave it a week, probably get shouted at in the street a little bit -then bleach again.


Now your hair should be white. It will have a slight yellow tint because that’s what bleach does - and this is why you need the toner. Mix a third of the tube of toner in the bowl with peroxide till it’s nice and creamy. This is the part that takes skill. You wack it all on in the shortest amount of time you can and watch it in the mirror. It will possibly only take a few minutes to change to the colour you want. As soon as it starts looking purple, you’ve gone too far.

The good thing about toner is that it gradually washes out, so if you do go purple, just wash with shampoo a few times.
The shit thing about toner is that it gradually washes out, so you have to repeat STEP 3 every few weeks to keep your hair from looking yellow.


Every strand of your delicate, now-horse-like hair will now be screaming out for a little cuddle. You have to go and buy one of those redonkulously expensive intense hair conditioner treatments and use it every time you wash your hair. I like the Kiehls one but Redken and L’Oreal are also good.


Wham bam thank you mam, finally some recognition from the labourers doing the loft conversion next door.

*Take my advice at your own risk. For all you know I’m bald.
** Closet ginger