Hi folks! By now, you’ll have spotted that Platform and Street Carnage have been engaging in something of a cultural exchange for the last few months, which has been a lot of fun. Gavin has wound up the Platform folks by not being ‘right on’ enough and I’ve written about my dick a few times.

In the last post he did for us Gavin was all up in our grills, hating on British people and whatnawwwt, and this got the comment nerds really riled up. This was, of course, great for our website stats - so the exchange program is really working out. But as a kind of rebuttle, here’s ten things I don’t understand about our cousins from across the Atlantic:

You can’t do our accents convincingly.
The guy from The Wire is British, and Hugh Laurie from House is the most British guy of all time, but they both manage to copy your voices without any problems at all. You guys, on the other hand, seem to think Dick Van Dyke had it perfect in Mary Poppins and seem to have just run with it. When you pretend to be us we can totally tell you’re Americans faking it. (And what about how in Frasier, Daphne’s brother was a cockney but Daphne was clearly from the North, and then another brother came in and he had a Liverpool accent? That made no sense.)

American football is for pussies.
Are you serious with all the protective gear? Afraid you’re gonna scrape your knee or make a boo boo on your elbow? What if you get a little bash on the head and have to sit down for ten minutes? Yeah definitely wear the helmet, and the shinpads, shoulderpads, and the cup. We have a policy on our website where I’m not allowed to say fag, but come on guys, don’t force my hand on this one. Also, all your athletes thank God every time a camera gets put in their faces, which is fucking lame.

Your TV is terrible.
Are you serious about Fox News? I’m no knee-jerk liberal but that stuff is pretty one sided don’t you think? And what about how if you watch non cable tv there’s an ad break more than there’s a program. And what about how there’s no swearing, like, ever? This is what happens when you vote in people who think Jesus made the earth in seven days and are sure gays can be fixed: they think noises you make with your mouth are going to send you to hell.

Your rappers are turning into women.
I didn’t want to compare and contrast our two great nations too much in this, because I know we’ve got our problems too (something you guys can never admit to yourselves, eeeyyy ooooh!), but our rappers are way scarier than your rappers. All our guys need is some Stone Island and a knife made out of a melted toothbrush that they’ll force into a fifteen year old’s gut for an iPhone on a freezing cold South London council estate, and they’re happy. Your guys are more into going to the gym, making smart investment decisions, covering their muscles with oil and being into diamonds like how girls are into diamonds. Don’t make me say the f word again.

You have to tip in your bars.
So I’m paying for the drink, but I’m not just paying for the drink, I’m paying the barman (who is already on a wage to get me my drink) to get me my drink, right? So is there a set system? If I tip him more will he suck my dick? Is he going to engage me in conversation, and if he does, do I have to pay him more? Is he going to refuse me if I don’t tip? What if he’s a shitty barman with a bad attitude, do I still tip? Huh?

Your border guys are fucking psychos.
I’m a white guy who wears expensive clothes and talks like I went to an expensive boarding school (I did), but when I came to your country last March to tour with some dumb band or other, your crew cut/Napoleon complex/tiny dick border guy clearly thought I was trying to live with you guys illegally and get a job gardening with Mexicans or something, cos he took me in a little room and yelled at me about where I intended to stay for half an hour. Then he shouted at my Scottish friend in Spanish because he had a tan. Paranoid much guys?

You’re scared of Muslims.
Yeah, so about 7 of them attacked America nearly ten years ago, and sure, when everyone barged into their countries they got pretty pissed off, but are you seriously worried about the others? Most Muslims are just bible nerds with a different bible, they just pray all day long and hang out with their parents. David Koresh was a Christian but you don’t think every church pastor is going to stockpile arms and fuck kids do you? Let’s face it, you’ve just never been big on guys with brown skin, have you?

You really love your country.
You think your country is the best at everything and if you’re drunk in a bar and someone challenges you about what a weird fucked up place it is, you’ll get crazily red faced angry about it and ruin everyone’s evening because everyone from your country is your bro. You could say the Queen fucks her kids, Gordon Brown is a one eyed Scottish retard, or the Union Jack is a shit flag and you know what I would say? Nothing at all, because loving your country is for North Koreans and people with so little cultural identity that they have to pretend they’re in a big 300 million strong gang who stick up for each other no matter what. Hey dicks, real life isn’t the same as elementary school - territorialism is for dogs and drug dealers only.

You have two Christmas’s.
Is one holiday based around roasted meats not enough for you, you fat fucks? What the fuck is with Thanksgiving? All you did was kill a bunch of Indians who didn’t even have guns. Then they surrendered and gave you a turkey. Isn’t that what happened? And now we have to sit through your lame Christmas films that aren’t even about Christmas but some other holiday you made up, and our kids don’t get it.

You use distance as an excuse to be slow on mail order.
Hey Gavin! I ordered my Street Carnage/Rockers NYC Minor Threat shirt a fucking month ago and nothing’s shown up!  I know it was before Thanksgiving when I ordered it but I can fly to New York in seven hours, so what’s up with how you can’t get a t-shirt to London in under four weeks, even with the jacked up postage price I’m paying?