I hate people like Ross Kemp, he’s a BBC1 type mainstream guy who bangs on about his impeccable level of morals, and takes himself so seriously I want to smack him in the face. Someone already did, but I won’t go into that.
Some people aren’t as vitriolic as me, and prefer instead to celebrate the endeavours of the world’s hardest-battered spouse by folding printed images of his face into different positions, contorting his expressions into all manner of hilarious gurns and frowns. By ‘some people’, I mean the good people at Kemp Folds…
Tell us the story behind Kemp Folds.
One windy Wednesday, we were wearily winding away the afternoon, whereupon we talked about a recent hobby of Kemp Folding as one landed in our inbox from a dear friend. T’was only a matter of minutes until the cumulative majesty of our collection thus far (three Kemp Folds) warranted a website.
What makes Ross Kemp so perfect for folding? What works so well when you fold him?
The distinctive face and the round head have a purity of form that most faces and heads do not. This makes Ross Kemp perfect for folding.
What are your favourite and least favourite things about him?
His distinctive face and round head have a purity of form that most faces and heads do not. This makes Ross Kemp perfect for folding. Our least favourite thing about him is that sometimes he has his picture taken in the most infuriatingly asymmetrical postures.
What is your favourite Ross Kemp show? What did you think of Ross Kemp on Gangs?
We would have to rest on Eastenders as our favourite Ross Kemp show. Although if there were a show entitled ‘The Ross Kemp Show’, where Ross Kemp welcomed guests into his comfortably furnished mid-terrace for a cup of tea and a chat about their latest endeavours, that would be our favourite show. Our only comment on Ross Kemp On Gangs is that we wish that Ross would not put himself into situations of such clear and enormous danger.
What do you know about origami? Could you make a Ross Kemp swan?
We know little of origami, so are unable to comment on the feasibility of making a paper swan version of Ross Kemp. We would also like to add that Ross Kemp already has the grace of a swan.
Who else would you like to fold?
We have no desire at this point to fold anyone other than Ross Kemp, although we would like to express out desire to somehow acquire a picture of Ross Kemp folding Ross Kemp, so that we may fold this in turn. Thank you.
Which are your favourite three Kemp folds?
The first ever Kemp Fold will always be precious to us. The untitled Kemp Fold of 10th July 2009, and, for its ingeniousness, ‘Short Round’.