Last week I tried to get Mr. Whitehall on the phone.  That took some work, mainly because he’d just stepped onto the steaming tarmac of Ibiza, followed by thirteen of his closest male friends.  As he wondered around his villa, tipsy and tired, I attempted about 8 times to ask him questions on subjects such as Big Brother -

“What do you genuinely think of it?”

“Umm…well how big is your readership?  How honest can I be?”

“We have four readers”

“Right well I’m not a massive fan.  I can’t really be too explicit but I think it’s fuc…”

Then the phone died.  Apparently signal is rubbish is the land of Pacha, so we switched to email.  Either that or Channel 4 are tapping phone lines and rebuking any negative feedback surrounding their Reality TV experiences.  Hmm.


Who is the weirdest member of the public to ever come on Big Brother’s Big Mouth?  There must have been some pretty odd characters…

A guy called Timothy Lock who is an aspiring comic.  He’s mad.  He made a sexual threat towards Tommy Sheridan, and was then banned from ever coming on the show again.  I had to be seen as condemning it by the channel even though it was fucking funny.

Are you actually a fan of Con Air? You’ve talked about it quite a lot in interviews and once said thinking of it helped you get ready before shows.

It’s amazing.  That bit where he walks down the middle of the plane, takes a bullet to the arm and doesn’t even flinch - it makes me sweat with excitement.

Do you aspire to have a career like Russell Brand? Go to America?  Abuse elderly actor’s slutty grand daughters?

Be cool to go to America some day, but I imagine its some way off though.  If you’ve got Ronnie Corbett’s number I could give him some abuse!

What are you working on at the moment?

Mainly my Edinburgh show which I’m really excited about. Insert plug here.  It will be good, I hope, I’ve been writing it for ages now so its nearly ready.

Have you ever had any great hecklers?

A guy put me in a headlock once, that was pretty terrifying, and a guy a couple of nights ago said that he’d fucked my mum.  That just worried me because she has been working late the last couple of weeks, and me and my brother do look very different.

I imagine you get a lot of groupies.  What are they like?  Do comedy groupies dress as Ronald McDonald?

No, not nearly enough groupies, but I am in the market for a clown one. And a stalker too, so if there’s one ready -  get in contact.

Your dad  worked as an agent?  Does he represent you - the comedy equivalent of Mystery Jets?

God no that would be awful. My dad retired years ago, but the thought of him looking after professionally terrifies me - he’d just tell everyone to fuck off! He’s an angry man.

Would you ever do straight acting?  Period dramas?

Yeah I want a part in Life on Mars. Glenister is amazing!

Where do you keep your Awards?

I don’t really have any - some swimming certificates, which in many ways are just as impressive as BAFTA’s but they don’t take up much room.

Which other comedians do you like? Nick Mohammed?

Momo is amazing I love him so much.  His Edinburgh show will be brilliant, it’s all about the Moon Landings, I can’t wait to see it. I also love Stewart Lee and John Gordillo.  They’re my favourites.

How was touring with Horne and Corden?  Any good anecdotes?

None that I can disclose for legal reasons.  Mat Horne asked me to never speak of the time he made me asphyxy wank for him because it might get him in trouble.

Do you have a joke book?

Yeah and it’s empty! I always leave it on the train, so one day a random guy will pick it up and probably start doing my set.  Hopefully not better than me though, that would be annoying.

Are your friend’s jealous of your burgeoning career at such a young age?

No they just enjoy giving me shit when I do bad TV shows.

what do you really HONESTLY think of big brother?

HONESTLY I prefer the apprentice because its got Sir Alan, and he’s a hero. Plus I love that every twat in each series is the posh guy.

Do you think Yasmina was right to win?

No I think Kate should have.  I think she kept her head down and she worked really hard. But I think they wanted something a little bit different.

She did keep her head down…

Oh my god is that an innuendo?  Is that an innuendo referring to Phillip? You said it not me…but I endorse it.

In your press photos you do a lot of this pose:

What the fuck is that about?

A fucking annoying director made me do it and since then retarded people have followed him thinking it makes me look good. They make me look like a twat.

On your website you click, follow on twitter, and it just takes you to a blank space.  Is this a political statement?

No.  Laziness I’m afraid.