Remember when I asked you to date my mates? Bet you’ve been wondering ever since what happened to those two fine fillies - does Jerry now spend her evenings nights curled up on the sofa, listening to Celine Dion whilst gazing into her new beau’s eyes? Is Holly now sporting a rock on her engagement finger? Or are they still tumbling out of bars at ungodly hours and cackling their way home arm-in-arm?
JERRY
DATE NO.1 - JULIAN
When asked where he planned to take Jerry out, his 653 word reply contained the following quotes:
‘No one knows as much about music as me, or has spent enough time alone to have read the books that I have…Basically, I’m probably the biggest, most revolting, most average-looking (or worse) guy in London….The only thing that seems to work is my libido, for in my unemployed state of lying in bed, and giving up on searching for jobs it beckons me to wank, but I won’t, cause I’ve already done that too much.’
Hot DANG he sounded like a catch and if I wasn’t hell bent on hunting down Gaspard Ulliel and marrying him I’d have snapped him up myself. Jules came back with two options both of which were straight from the Guide to Successful Dating. Or they would be if such a book existed.
He suggested dinner then a movie or dinner then a gig. That’s the modern man - giving his lady a choice. Though not so much on the dinner front - both dining options were vegan. (I guess if she was really bothered, she could bring her own meat.) But hey, giving a girl the option to nod her head appreciatively to a band or fall asleep in a cinema is nice. Real nice.
Unfortunately Jerry’s previous dinner date experiences haven’t been so hot (one involved the line “I’ve got something to tell you…you’ve got something on your face…”) so she suggested a spot of bowling instead. Jerry was kind of scared of Julian so me and Holly were going to hide round the corner, keeping an eye whilst slurping milkshakes.
Sadly, we never got the opportunity.
Julian stood Jerry up before she even got there. He just didn’t bother replying to Jerry’s text confirming the date. I was baffled. Jerry was kind of relieved though and went to Pizza Express instead with her housemates. Dough balls anyone? (Oh, so apparently Julian’s text confirming the date hadn’t sent and was still in his outbox. He blamed it on lack of sleep. Whatevs.)
The next day as I’m not a complete bitch, I gave him the chance to tell his side of the story. He replied with:
‘How about “Ha. Yeah right.” Thanks.’
Charming.
RATE MY DATE: 0/10
JERRY SAYS: ‘Never trust a vegan or someone who doesn’t like dogs.’
DATE NO.2 - STEPHEN
When Stephen suggested he take Jerry to the zoo I went and bought my wedding hat - it sounded perfect. They arranged to meet one fine Sunday morning and took a stroll round the zoo.
They discovered their mutual love of dogs, milkshake and their one friend in common on Facebook. They also discussed the plot of Antichrist. It was all going well. Until they got to the entrance and realised it was £18.50 to get in. To see some caged animals. What a fucking rip-off.
Their favourite animal was the tiger, the lion was nowhere to be seen and they saw Gail Porter with her children. Jerry probably did a little wee. I would have done - ever since I saw her naked on the side of the Houses of Parliament, I knew Gail was one bad-ass chica.
There was a petting farm at the zoo. Look at this lovely photo of Jerry. To quote her - ‘I touched a sheep. It felt good.’ So far she’s not shown any signs of E.coli. We’re keeping our fingers crossed.
This is Stephen in the shop. I assume he’s trying to disguise himself as a penguin so he can sneak into their enclosure. I think he’d pass as a penguin. For sure.
I asked them to take one cute, awkward, coupley photo. This is what they came up with:
They finished the day with chocolate milkshakes and skipped off together into the sunset. (Might have made the last bit up.)
RATE MY DATE: 8/10
JERRY SAYS: ‘Stephen ticks many of the boxes, he has good chat, is a gentleman without being cringey and has a dry sense of humour even if it did take my me a while to realise he was actually joking. Is Lisa going to have to buy a hat Cilla style? We shall see…’
HOLLY
DATE NO.1 - JAKE
Jake from the office wanted to take Holly out. Unfortunately by the time we got round to organising it, he’d found someone else. You snooze, you lose.
RATE MY DATE: 0/10
DATE NO.2 - LAUREN
A lovely lass from Manchester wanted a piece of Holly (and Jerry too actually, oi ooooooooooooooi). We asked her to come on down to try and turn the girls into lesbians but alas she wasn’t able to make it. (She was still at school and her parents wouldn’t let her.) She sounded great though.
RATE MY DATE: 0/10
LIFE AFTER ‘DATE MY MATES’
Whilst Platform may not have found them love, both girls have been super busy on the dating scene since the feature. Jerry has fallen in and out of love with three men and is still looking for Mr.Right. Holly is also still single but has been on numerous dates with unsuitables and her ideal man has now changed from Robert Pattinson to Matt Dallas. (Who incidentally stole my favourite joke.)
JERRY: ‘Has Platform saved my love life? Well strangely enough things haven’t been the same since. Holly and I can no longer leave the house without having abuse hurled at us…although that may have something to do with living down Commercial Road.’
HOLLY: ‘Be wary of Scottish men. Oh, and where were my dates? Platform, YOU SUCK.’
We did try.