Saturday 18th January

So I called Louise mental the other day, which wasn’t really fair, because all she’d actually done was tell my girlfriend - who is her friend…sort of - that I had cheated on her.  Which I had.  If anything, she was just being an excellent representative of the female race.  An icon for truth and fairness in a world of lies and hate, where nothing means anything any more and you can’t even trust your own family.


So I met up with Amy in Starbucks today - her choice of venue not mine - and sat nursing a caramel frappucino with whipped cream and caramel sauce.  I didn’t think about my beverage choice until she came in and eyed it with disgust, as if to say, “You bastard.  If you really cared about me you would have sat there nursing a black coffee to keep yourself awake after not sleeping or eating since our painful semi-breakup”.  I think she hoped/expected to find me a shell of my former self, clothes hanging off my depressingly thin frame, and purpley black smudges around my bloodshot eyes.  Instead she entered to find me licking cream off a straw and flicking through a copy of Heat someone had left behind.  Unlike me, she seemed to have taken into consideration her appearance, and had obviously picked out her very best ‘heartbroken’ clothes.  She was dressed entirely in black, her hair tied back, and she’d put loads of black stuff on her eyes.  She looked like a goth someone had forced into Ugg boots.

Almost immediately she started crying, probably because of the caramel frappucino error, but then did that looking out the window, “No don’t cry for him.  He doesn’t deserve it” thing, and turned back to me with hate in her eyes.  As always, I will do my best to transcribe our conversation.  I’m going to have to start taking a dictaphone everywhere.

Amy: So.

Me: So.  It’s nice to see you.


Amy: What did you want to say to me?  Be quick, I can’t stay long.

Me: Oh OK.  Well I just wanted to say sorry.  I know that seems like such a lame thing to say, and I don’t think that just by saying that one word you’re going to forgive me, but I am really sorry.  So sorry.  I was an idiot.  There’s no excuse for what I did.

Amy: For what you did on which occasion?

Me: What?

Amy:  Well what are you apologising for?

Me: The thing that happened with Louise on New Years.

Amy: What exactly happened?

Me: Well…I was really drunk…and we kissed.

Amy: And then what.

Me: And then nothing.

Amy: Don’t lie to me!

Me: I’m not!

Amy: She told me you slept with her.

Me: She did WHAT?!

Amy: Argh, why are you still lying to me?  I know what you did.  I know everything.  She showed me the emails you sent her afterwards talking about it.  Disgusting, I can’t believe you did that.  How could you treat me like that?

Me: What fucking emails? I didn’t send her any emails, and I DEFINITELY didn’t sleep with her.  I can’t believe she would say that.  What was written in these emails?




Amy: OK.  The emails said stuff like you’d always really liked her, that you wanted to go out with her, that you’d never really liked me


Me: Oh my god.  Amy, listen, honestly, I never sent those emails.  I don’t know what is wrong with Louise, but I promise, I didn’t do anything other than kiss her.  It was fucking stupid of me, but I was drunk and sad and I thought you were cheating on me with that Tom guy.  Who is he by the way? OK sorry, not the point.  Look, I don’t fancy fucking Louise!  I’ve never fancied her, and I didn’t send her any of those emails.  How did she make it look like I’d sent them?

Amy: Well…They had the dates and stuff, and said they were from you at the top.

Me: Anyone can do that!  She just copied and pasted from the top of another email and changed the details.  Oh god, please.  Trust me.  I didn’t do anything other than kiss her.  I know I’ve got no chance of salvaging us, so there’s no reason why I’d lie now - I’m being totally honest with you.

Amy: What about the other girls?


Anyway.  So it unfolds that not only did Louise say I slept with her, and then sent these crazy emails, but she also claimed I’d been cheating on Amy the whole time we were going out.  Again, with emails to prove it.  By the end of the conversation I think I managed to make Amy doubt Louise slightly, but for all my attempts to make it humorous, I am genuinely shocked.  It’s one thing to tell Amy what we did, and quite another to fabricate these stories about me chasing her, and cheating with other girls.  And to go to the point of making up emails, changing dates etc.  I’m actually a bit scared - what else is she doing?  Who else is she lying about me to?  Is she genuinely crazy?  Should I tell someone?  I’ve got to talk to her, right?