Porn is great, if you fancy a wank. And the Internet is great, if you fancy some variety. But porn is not sex.
Perhaps it’s because we all have such easy and ready access to Internet porn, that we believe pornographic films to be the be all and end all of realistic sexual relations. Possibly, that’s why we consider these scenarios as a sort of sex-manual, rather than just an aid to manual sex.
Porn is like this: a woman is alone in a room. She touches herself, while pouting at the camera. After she has touched herself for a while, an ugly motherfucker with a huge cock enters the room. The woman then performs oral sex on said ugly man. The man does not ejaculate. The man then inserts his very big penis is all of the woman’s orifices. This goes on for a long time. The woman makes appreciative noises. All this while doing such odd things as putting a penis – that has been up her bum – in her mouth, and acting like it tastes like sweets. Even though it actually tastes like lubricant and bums. The man calls the woman some demeaning things (a little ungrateful of him, really) then finally the man ejaculates all over the woman’s face. And she seems thankful for this.
I hope that across the nation that there aren’t teenage couples – taking their first tentative steps in to the world of lovemaking – that see this sort of thing as a blueprint for success. Because that isn’t what sex is like at all. Sex isn’t good because of the size of anything, or the duration.
Good sex is about communication. And not necessarily vocal. Everyone is different, and everyone likes different things. Sure, it helps to be skilled at certain things, but you still have to figure out what your woman/man likes, and make sure you give them plenty of it. Giving is very important, and it pays rich dividends. If a good deed is its own reward, then knowing how to make your girlfriend cum is like a Tesco Clubcard. In Double Points week.
Porn is all about the dicks, and the tits, and the extremes. Sex is all about how you kiss someone. What you do with your hands and with your mouth. And figuring out how to push that special someone’s buttons. Do whatever you do, and notice her reactions. Don’t look at her, close your eyes, feel the way her body responds to certain things. At the end of the day, you can have a tiny cock, or be hung like a moose, but if the sex is boring, she probably won’t want to do it again. Keep it exciting and you’ll be set for life. Unless she secretly fancies your dad. Or if all else fails. Wetherspoons. Taxi License. Rohypnol.
…You’re welcome.
WORDS: LOUISE HAYNES
ILLUSTRATION: DANIEL DAVID FREEMAN