Hi guys! Me again! Back with more lists of pointless cultural ephemera and off-colour, ignorant opinions. This time my hot topic is women from films I would like to marry.

I don’t think I’d ever want to marry a drama school girl –they’re hard work, right guys?- I’m talking about the characters I’d like to take home to meet my mother (my mother is adorable), go on a rural holiday with, then have a lovely home counties wedding in a church in the summer. At the wedding party, her brother would take me aside and say ‘you better not hurt her ever’ and I’d say, completely wholeheartedly (because I actually really like him too, we’ve hung out when she’s been out of town) ‘I would never, you’re like a brother to me’, and then we’d hug and laugh, and as the years went by he’d become one of my best friends because it would be taken as red that I was completely solid with his sister.

So you see what I’m driving at? I’m not just talking about the girls I’m looking to plow (in which case this would just be a list of any girls in lycra bodysuits from superhero movies of the last five years), I’m talking about girls I see a real future with, the ones who I can see myself growing old with, having kids with and nursing me through my prostrate cancer or helping me with my back exercises. So without further ado (my intro last time was a little long huh?), here are my future wives.

Milla Jovovich in Dazed and Confused

This movie gets a lot of mentions in stuff I write. I think if you’d never seen it and you were over 18 and saw it for the first time you’d find it pretty corny, but I saw it at a pivotal moment in my adolescence and so it’s coloured a lot of decisions I’ve made regarding friendship choices, types of party I attend (outdoors in the summer only) and what sort of girl I might marry.

Initially when ‘researching for this article’ (youtube and porn) I actually thought I’d go for a wildcard, Michelle Burke’s slightly sensible character who was Mitch Kramer’s older sister (“don’t be too hard on my brother, ‘K guys?”) was gonna be my choice cos she seems so balanced and wholesome, but then I realized she was supposed to be 18, and if you’re balanced and wholesome at 18, you’re probably gonna be super dull by 30 (that’s when people get married). You know how it goes, by university she’d be too into her studies to really be actually fun, getting more and more sensible, then she’d get a semi-fun job in PR, then she’d work in publishing and get frumpier and frumpier and just be completely normal by the time she was 26, so fuck that.

Milla Jovovich’s character is stoned all the time and she’s probably only going to go to college and do more drugs but she’s smart and pretty so she won’t die of it she’ll clean herself up and regret doing so much coke but be funny and adorable about it. She’ll be clean but she’ll have a dark past and dark pasts are super hot. The wedding will be great because she’ll have wild friends from back in the day and later along the line when our kids get caught with a tenth of weed she won’t lose her shit.

Claire Danes in Terminator 3

I don’t give a fuck about Terminator 3, I don’t think anyone ever has or ever will. It’s a pile of shit and I was pretty bored all the way through, the only thing about it that I liked was I finally got to see what Angela from My So Called Life would look like all grown up. Claire Danes has obviously been in a lot of movies but this one she had kind of red hair in and it just seemed like Angela had grown up, become a vet and gotten mixed up with Skynet’s rogue machines.

You see, what basically happened with this is some Friends Reunited type ’15 years later’ shit, my first ever love was Angela in My So Called Life. I’m not saying my first ever screen love was Angela, I’m saying my first actual love was Angela. The summer I was 14, they showed MSCL every morning for a few weeks. Just as I was starting out on the long road into wearing Smashing Pumpkins longsleeves and growing my hair long, Angela was there for me every morning.

The thing is, I’d met girls before, I’d seen girls on tv before, I’d even seen girls I wanted to have sex with on tv before, but I’d never heard a girl’s inner monologue, her thoughts and feelings and stuff. It blew my fucking mind that I could hear her thoughts and they were the female equivalent of my thoughts (although she was considerably more eloquent than me, and she even knew members of the opposite sex to worry about) I just figured she was the one. I thought about her all day long, no kidding around. It was fucking pathetic and a really good reason why you shouldn’t send your kids to all boys’ boarding schools.

Seeing Claire Danes with ginger hair playing a vet all those years later made all the ‘lonely spotty wanks’ come flooding back, cos Angela was the kind of girl who was going to do something like that, and I reckon it made perfect sense that you’d go from Doc Martens through to brown fake leather jackets in the journey from Stone Temple Pilots fangirl to semi-alt Democrat voting animal lover. In my head it goes: Angela is real, she got rid of Jordan Catalano when she moved away to college (he’s a fucking deadbeat, he never left their town), we both joined Friend Reunited as a joke, then we saw each other’s profiles and got to chatting, then met for a coffee even though we lived miles away from each other, started laughing about when her fat mate fell in love with her gay best friend and realised we were still in love and that Jordan guy was a total waste of time.

Patricia Arquette in True Romance

Have you heard the beginning and end monologues Patricia Arquette’s character Alabama says in that movie? If ever there was a perfect testament to the mutual love and absolute devotion that I heard was supposed to result in a marriage then this is it. Some guy called Arsemonkey was so sure of that he even made a youtube video of them both together. It’s above.

What terrifies me is, what if it’s nothing like that for me? And I just end up marrying my friend’s single younger sister when I’m 42 years old because it makes sense? Then we rush having kids cos she’s old, she hates my friends, she makes me put my records in the attic and I have to spend every weekend in a Harvester restaurant talking to her stupid mother who hates me for not being as successful. Then I see my friend whose sister I’m with and he’s with his hot wife who’s funny and works in fashion and doesn’t hate wearing heels or having sex and he just shrugs and apologises with his eyes.

I am into Alabama because how else would you rather court your wife? Meet, watch movies, fall in love immediately, save each other from your shitty lives then get loads of money and move to Cancun with a son that my wife allowed me to name after my favourite musician. I’m holding out for that to happen, if it doesn’t i’m not getting married.

Kirsten Dunst in Interview With A Vampire

She looks about 14 but actually she’s like 200 years old, so it would be totally legal, and that’s not the kind of shit you want to let go of. Gaaah. I was struggling to make up the numbers for this list but if I end up trying to be a local councillor in my fifties the opposition are going to dig up jokes like this and use them against me. If it counts for anything, political researchers of 2033, I didn’t think of that joke.