I don’t know about you but I’m sick of hearing about piracy. If I have to read one more article about the Pirate Bay trials, or the downfall of independent record stores, or digital rights management, I swear I’m going to illegally download the entire Beatles back catalogue purely out of spite. And them I’m going to seed it for the rest of my life.

As you may already be aware, the owners of The Pirate Bay, the world’s most popular file sharing website, were recently found guilty of assistance to copyright infringement and sentenced to one year in prison and a fine of 30 million kronor (£2.4 million). To any rational person this might seem like a fairly logical outcome ‘they helped millions of people around the world to steal copyrighted material and were convicted of committing a serious crime ‘ but to thousands of others this is CRIMINAL INJUSTICE GONE MAD.

Of course, I’d be lying if I said that I’d never downloaded music illegally, but I’d never be so ridiculously deluded as to suggest that I was being some kind of valiant supporter of the people’s rights.

The owners of The Pirate Bay assert that they themselves have committed no crime as the copyright infringement is being carried out by their users and not them. This is a fair point, and yet it is slightly undermined by their open and continued support of the ‘˜anti-copyright’ movement, a movement which is, unsurprisingly, as ridiculous as it sounds.

If you ever get into an argument with an ‘anti-copyright’ advocate, be prepared to respond to the following concerns:

This is just like borrowing a CD from a friend and making a copy
Yes, if your friend also lends the CD to several hundred thousand other friends.

Illegal downloaders buy more legal music than the average person anyway
i.e. I’m going to take a hundred quid out of your wallet but I’ll give you twenty back.

‘Freedom of Knowledge’  everyone has the right to learn

I’d like to know what valuable life lessons you learn from the season premiere of Heroes and a pre-release copy of Wolverine.

Bono has loads of money, he doesn’t need any more
[insert topical budget joke here]

I don’t care what studies you cite, downloading music illegally online is the same as stealing a CD from HMV. The only difference is that in HMV you’d have to make it past the security guard first, whereas on the internet the worst you’ll have to deal with are a few encryption keys.

In short, the reason you wouldn’t steal from HMV is not a moral one. It’s just that you’re a pussy.

WORDS CHARLIE LYNE

P.S. If you enjoyed reading this, my birthday is only 4 months away HINT HINT HINT HINT