So I’m changing the way I document my life a bit, which is why I’ve been a bit quiet recently. Anyway, never fear, here is an account of all that has happened since Weiner arrived…

There’s a new kid in town. My Mum’s friend Claire has got married to this German guy, and they’ve just retuned from their honeymoon with teenage yute in tow. He’s called Weiner (I’m not going to give his real name, so I’ve made up a stupid one) and he’s a massive wang.

Guuuuyssssss. Calm down, she’s not THAT psycho (OK she kind of is), but at the same time she is still the person who I’ve been closer to than anyone the past six months.

I have a “date” for Valentines Day. And you’ll never, ever, guess who it is. My new boyfriend Tom. JOKES. It’s Louise.

HOLLA Y’ALL. What is up? I’ve been away for a few days with my moronic father and his satanic spawn. But enough about that. How are you? Really? Wow, that’s great. OK shut up now.

Secret Diary Boy finds he can’t just pack his life away dramatically. Instead he’s trapped in a boring cycle of ignoring and also meets the infamous Tom.

Secret Diary Boy is making a clean break for the borders of sanity.