What’s up with american people? ten things

Posted By Robert Foster

Hi folks! By now, you’ll have spotted that Platform and Street Carnage have been engaging in something of a cultural exchange for the last few months, which has been a lot of fun. Gavin has wound up the Platform folks by not being ‘right on’ enough and I’ve written about my dick a few times.

In the last post he did for us Gavin was all up in our grills, hating on British people and whatnawwwt, and this got the comment nerds really riled up. This was, of course, great for our website stats - so the exchange program is really working out. But as a kind of rebuttle, here’s ten things I don’t understand about our cousins from across the Atlantic:

You can’t do our accents convincingly.
The guy from The Wire is British, and Hugh Laurie from House is the most British guy of all time, but they both manage to copy your voices without any problems at all. You guys, on the other hand, seem to think Dick Van Dyke had it perfect in Mary Poppins and seem to have just run with it. When you pretend to be us we can totally tell you’re Americans faking it. (And what about how in Frasier, Daphne’s brother was a cockney but Daphne was clearly from the North, and then another brother came in and he had a Liverpool accent? That made no sense.)

American football is for pussies.
Are you serious with all the protective gear? Afraid you’re gonna scrape your knee or make a boo boo on your elbow? What if you get a little bash on the head and have to sit down for ten minutes? Yeah definitely wear the helmet, and the shinpads, shoulderpads, and the cup. We have a policy on our website where I’m not allowed to say fag, but come on guys, don’t force my hand on this one. Also, all your athletes thank God every time a camera gets put in their faces, which is fucking lame.

Your TV is terrible.
Are you serious about Fox News? I’m no knee-jerk liberal but that stuff is pretty one sided don’t you think? And what about how if you watch non cable tv there’s an ad break more than there’s a program. And what about how there’s no swearing, like, ever? This is what happens when you vote in people who think Jesus made the earth in seven days and are sure gays can be fixed: they think noises you make with your mouth are going to send you to hell.

Your rappers are turning into women.
I didn’t want to compare and contrast our two great nations too much in this, because I know we’ve got our problems too (something you guys can never admit to yourselves, eeeyyy ooooh!), but our rappers are way scarier than your rappers. All our guys need is some Stone Island and a knife made out of a melted toothbrush that they’ll force into a fifteen year old’s gut for an iPhone on a freezing cold South London council estate, and they’re happy. Your guys are more into going to the gym, making smart investment decisions, covering their muscles with oil and being into diamonds like how girls are into diamonds. Don’t make me say the f word again.

You have to tip in your bars.
So I’m paying for the drink, but I’m not just paying for the drink, I’m paying the barman (who is already on a wage to get me my drink) to get me my drink, right? So is there a set system? If I tip him more will he suck my dick? Is he going to engage me in conversation, and if he does, do I have to pay him more? Is he going to refuse me if I don’t tip? What if he’s a shitty barman with a bad attitude, do I still tip? Huh?

Your border guys are fucking psychos.
I’m a white guy who wears expensive clothes and talks like I went to an expensive boarding school (I did), but when I came to your country last March to tour with some dumb band or other, your crew cut/Napoleon complex/tiny dick border guy clearly thought I was trying to live with you guys illegally and get a job gardening with Mexicans or something, cos he took me in a little room and yelled at me about where I intended to stay for half an hour. Then he shouted at my Scottish friend in Spanish because he had a tan. Paranoid much guys?

You’re scared of Muslims.
Yeah, so about 7 of them attacked America nearly ten years ago, and sure, when everyone barged into their countries they got pretty pissed off, but are you seriously worried about the others? Most Muslims are just bible nerds with a different bible, they just pray all day long and hang out with their parents. David Koresh was a Christian but you don’t think every church pastor is going to stockpile arms and fuck kids do you? Let’s face it, you’ve just never been big on guys with brown skin, have you?

You really love your country.
You think your country is the best at everything and if you’re drunk in a bar and someone challenges you about what a weird fucked up place it is, you’ll get crazily red faced angry about it and ruin everyone’s evening because everyone from your country is your bro. You could say the Queen fucks her kids, Gordon Brown is a one eyed Scottish retard, or the Union Jack is a shit flag and you know what I would say? Nothing at all, because loving your country is for North Koreans and people with so little cultural identity that they have to pretend they’re in a big 300 million strong gang who stick up for each other no matter what. Hey dicks, real life isn’t the same as elementary school - territorialism is for dogs and drug dealers only.

You have two Christmas’s.
Is one holiday based around roasted meats not enough for you, you fat fucks? What the fuck is with Thanksgiving? All you did was kill a bunch of Indians who didn’t even have guns. Then they surrendered and gave you a turkey. Isn’t that what happened? And now we have to sit through your lame Christmas films that aren’t even about Christmas but some other holiday you made up, and our kids don’t get it.

You use distance as an excuse to be slow on mail order.
Hey Gavin! I ordered my Street Carnage/Rockers NYC Minor Threat shirt a fucking month ago and nothing’s shown up! I know it was before Thanksgiving when I ordered it but I can fly to New York in seven hours, so what’s up with how you can’t get a t-shirt to London in under four weeks, even with the jacked up postage price I’m paying?

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON STREET CARNAGE.

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Justin Boyer

I'm never hungry on Thanksgiving.

theking

there is 300 million of us and you judging the country by very few people. Our rappers would kick your rappers ass or shoot them with the guns they can buy here. Thanksgiving (which is nothing like Christmas besides both days involve eating at some point) and loving our country are both good things. The TV thing is insane. Funny article though.

bishopdante

America is a madhouse and has been ever since 111,000,000 indians shuffled off the mortal coil. It used to be obviously crazy, but after the 19th century ended with some great wars and a breather called the depression down the middle, Europe knocking itself out with its own big colonial stick, america woke up in 1950 confused. The history was far too knotty/heavy, so the clever capitalists just paid disney draw up a new one in a sweetened & digestible bitesize format. Hence the airy-fairy postmodern consumer floatation scene.

Brand America is New. It's postmodern, after the 50s. Starting at the baby boomers from their early adulthood, this is all done on a blank slate. With an old guy behind it doling out the chalk.

America's history almost went the other way. Back in those long forgotten days of 1919 there was a plot to assassinate John D Rockefeller, JP Morgan and various others and declare America "anarchy", which was probably just a statement of fact at the time. Monopoly oligarchs musta ruffled some feathers? People are pissed? So pissed that they've gone all revolting? Can't be. Now why would anybody be bothered to do that, there's no reason at all of course. Magnates with factories surrounded by barbed wire getting shot in their fortified offices by anarchist moles? Never ever ever.

The plotters of course were bolsheviks driven mad by psychotropic drugs and deranged by pamphlets. I know a commie when I see one. The solution? Reverse slave ship maneuver and ship 'em all of to Russia regardless. Scary Reds.

We're the good guys. We're looking after the world, it belongs to us, it is our manifest destiny. A New Secular Order under God.

It's not so much racist as white chauvinist. Up until 1948 americans were forbidden to marry chinese, and in the late 19th century they did a chinese genocide. Anybody so long as they're foreign, really.

They do look a bit restless... let them eat cake. Slightly upgrade the living conditions in factory towns, call it suburbia.

Next, move the banking and factory production offshore.

Hehehehe No job? Need a loan? Medieval bondsmen here we come.

The Council on Foreign Relations - David, David Jr., Nelson, John D. 3rd, John D. IV (Jay), Peggy Dulany, Rockefeller Foundation, Rockefeller Brothers Fund.
The Trilateral Commission - David, Rockefeller Brothers Fund.
The Bilderberg Group - David, John D. IV.
The Asia Society - John D. 3rd, John D. IV, Charles, David.
The Population Council - John D. 3rd.
The Council of the Americas - David.
The Group of Thirty - The Rockefeller Foundation.
The World Economic Forum - David.
The Brookings Institution - Junior.
The Peterson Institute (Formerly the Institute for International Economics) - David.
The International Executive Service Corps - David.
The Institute for Pacific Relations - Junior.
The League of Nations - Junior.
The United Nations - Junior, John D. 3rd, Nelson, David, Peggy Dulany, Rockefeller Brothers Fund.
The United Nations Association - David.
General Education Board – John D
Bureau of Social Hygiene – John D

____________________________

Shut up an' get in yo kennel. Leave the real world to the big guys. It's simple. It's easy. Sing along now...

http://snarkmarket.com/blog/snarkives/suburbs.jpg

____________________________

It's enough to make one stick up two fingers. But what does it mean?

Armed & Dangerous, outlaw massive. Robbin Hoodrat, there's your cowboy, getting high with injuns.

Rock'n'roll? Folk heroism? It has been known to happen, but really it's best for everybody if you just remember the commodities trading.

Five Elders styles?

Ming the Merciless: Klytus! Are all your men on the right pills? Maybe you should execute their trainer!

bishop panties

Dear bishopwanki

why u always gotta ruin my day by poisoning these pages with your shitty, self-entitled repressed rants?? have you noticed that while take yourself embarrassingly seriously everyone else is hating on you whilst simultneously not listening.

please shut the fuck up.

mwahz xXo0oXx

USA#1

Overall the USA is the best country in the world.
1. I don't want to sound like you, your below me.
2. Our football is actually a contact sport. Your football is a bunch of pussies rolling on the ground begging for penalty shots.
3. Lol seriously?
4. You obviously have never been to our ghettos.
5. You don't have to tip. If your a poor asshole, don't tip.
6. Cause we don't want you living here.
7. You really are stupid and this is why your country is not like ours.
8. If you come in OUR bars and complain about OUR country, get the fuck out.
9. Your really going to complain about celebrating a holiday?
10. If you don't like the USA, stop buying stuff from here.

RUGBY

Your football is a shit version of our rugby

rhiannon

it's funny how some of these americans are trying to be so uneccessarily 'smart' and wasting their time writing a 300 word comment that no one gives a fuck about. just saying.

corpsesword

mcnulty's accent is actually totally shit, massively embarassing for a lead character in a good show. you can hear his posh english accent coming through at the most critical moments, lame.

making the point that we don't even realise when we are doing shit american accents.

can we just admit we are both a bit shit and be friends?

aleqazam

yeah, that was actually my first thought when I watched the first episode.

Anonymous

There are two Americas, you are ripping on the one that thinks sunshine comes out of Sarah Palin's ass. Of course, you're too thick to realize that fact, which shows that you don't actually know shit about American culture. Think you're morally and intellectually superior? I have three words for you: The British Empire. Did we forget about that little clusterfuck? America may not have a good track record, but neither do you guys so, as you might say, fuck off.

Vincent

We can't do your accents well because we don't care about you, never think about you, and never listen to you speak. Americans can do Mexican accents, German accents, Chinese accents - ie, accents from countries we actually think about. I live in London and love you guys, but you don't matter, and it's kinda pathetic you think you do.

Apart from like the 3 richest rappers, our real black people, whom you will never meet, are so outrageously ghetto British people would have a hard time processing it. England doesn't have ghettos. Not even close. Thats why the best British rappers, rightly, sing about chicken shops and their girlfriends.

Ricky

Yeah, we aren't good on being familiar with other countries. But if we all tried real hard to know more about the rest of the world, England wouldn't even be in the top 10 of the countries we'd consider important to get to know better.

BlueRuin

Most of us are pretty familiar with ghettos and 'real black people'. I don't know why you don't think we're aware of them.

And how 'black' your black people are is not much to be judging a country's worth by.

Hi

No you're not. trust me. That shit is serious and most American whites don't know what its about let alone the british guy who thinks south london is actually rough.

also who cares it's the retard that wrote this post that said american hip hop wasn't ghetto enough. In the 90s you had to have killed someone to be considered a real rapper. That shit was retarded. Glad it's over.

By the way GHETTOS ARE BAD. Our ghettos are super horrible and intense and scary and that is BAD. You should be glad not to have them. Only 14 year old boys have this conversation.

Maluqui

What?

Guest

can we not have a warning next to the title of posts from street carnage?

'WARNING, THIS WILL BE BOLLOCKS'. or maybe just a litte '(s.c.)'.

whatevs

If you're going to write a piece complaining about America...how about losing the Americanisms a little?

tk

duude. america invented rap. when british people rap it sounds really really stupid. what is there to rap about there anyways? there are not nearly as many guns and your weed sucks.

Anonymous

brits invented the cheese strain. a skunk kush cross head top turner truss.

anon

Infact these days our weed is so concentrated it's supposedly sending people nuts en masse. Seriously, it's pointlessly strong. Also, I'm afraid U.S rap has pretty much turned into guys whispering over pop music while dressed like Liberace.

vortel

'guns don't kill people, wappers do.'

manuk

British > Americans > Australians

1st Generation Yank

Sorry mate, but that's fantasy. True enough, many of us dig your accents. And perhaps a sliver of our 330 million long to be English (or anything but Amurican, for that matter... self-haters, you *well* know the type of course). But it's a sliver. After all, we REALLY love our country, remember? Plus we had our time as subjects of the crown. We got tired of it, so we sent you away (on fire) and decided to kickin' it Yankee stylee instead. That's just how it is, mate. Sorry. We still really do dig you guys though, honest.

Anonymous

although we did come back down from Canada after you burnt a little bit of one of our towns there and in retaliation burnt Washington DC to the ground (or tried too), although I fear this may decend into trolling.

Anonymous

the fact is, no matter what, american people will always wish they were english. seriously, if you don't believe me, go on just about any american website and tell them you're british. jealousy is very unattractive, please take notes, people of the US. ;)

Anonymous

stop the street carnage stuff its always pretentious shit

man you guys have alot of thanks to give secret diary boy

manuk

^^^^^^^^
I I I I I I I
secret diary boy

Anonymous

Some of these were kind of bad (the TV one? We all know Fox News is bad, that's why we watch Colbert), some were pretty funny (good point about US rap, our underground rappers are pretty pussy as well). Good job, British dude.

An Anonymous Sherman

Hey Robert, newsflash: you're at 6's and 7's, mate. Allow me to disabuse you of your ill-conceived notions:

#1: Terry Gilliam, Gwyneth Paltrow, Johnny Depp, Frances McDormand, Kevin Kline, Renee Zellweger, Meryl Streep, Peter Sellers, Reese Witherspoon...

#2: Please consult Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens #52 on Youtube. Sure, Rugby is tough, bloody and brutish. American Football is more so on all counts. To be fair, our name makes no sense and you guys are on point with, let's see, the rest of the world in calling Football, Football. Soccer it ain't. Real talk.

#3: Neither country has a lock on good OR bad TV. But, then again: The Wire, Six Feet Under, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, Sopranos, Chapelle Show. As Steven Colbert would say: Great TV or The Greatest TV? Again, respek'--PLENTY of phenomenal Brit shows too. And PLENTY of shyte. Just sayin'.

#4 Are you really pitting your gangta baddies against ours? Ninja, please. LA, Harlem, ATL, DC, Baltimore, Chi-town, Motor City... Thug Life fah real is out here, my son--and it's not pretty. Melted toothbrushes in coucil estate alleyways are scary. Drive-bys, gang-hits, and mad gats up in your grill: scarier. Must I cite crime stats on this one, or will you yield, old bean?

#5 Don't be cheap, dude. Kick 'em a buck, it's only 50p for you anyway. Bar wages in the States are a pittance relative to 'Ole Blighty, and the bulk of the barman's income is in tips. Where is bar/restaurant service consistently better--this side of the pond or that? Any plausible correlation there?

#6: Sorry you and your mate had that SNAFU with the 'Migra, hombre. We're working on it, OK? Dare I say we do a better job integrating our immigrants into society than you do over there? Too late, I just did.

#7: Keep ignoring the issue, Robert. Maybe it'll go away. Maybe if we make ourselves less threatening and more supine and craven, they'll just leave us alone. Like they did in July '05 the morning after I flew in to visit me mate in London and was thankfully sleeping off a wicked hangover from the pissnight out in Cutty Sark. Thanks, we Yanks won't take our cues on foreign policy and national security from the likes of you. Meanwhile, thank you in earnest for Sir John Locke, Sir Edmund Burke and Sir Winston Churchill--their light still shines bright out here. Perhaps it's you, Sir, who needs to rediscover the wisdom of your own forebears. Regarding your racism in America comment: Barack Obama, President of the United States. Please ring me when the UK elects its first Pakistani PM (or anyone "brown" as you so nobly and unracistly put it)... I'll just wait here by the phone, shall I?

#8: You'll never grasp this. Ever. Craig Ferguson does. American patriotism isn't your run-of-the-mill standard nationalism as in most countries. It's rooted in our common creed, a core belief (dare I say faith?) in freedom, capitalism and democracy. Tut tut tut, you say. I know, you've more sophisticated views on these matters. Then again, we've shed our blood to win our freedom from you. Then we shed our common blood together in defense of freedom against the Nazi and Japanese totalitarians. Pick up a history book that isn't written by Howard Zinn or Noam Chomsky and you may approach what can be reasonably called a fair and accurate portrait of American history. I reccomend Sir Paul Johnson's "A History Of The American People"--bonus as he's one of yours too! For English history, should you care to know anything of it, please consult Sir John Keegan, and the aforementioned Winnie)

#9: Thanksgiving: quintessentially American. Yet again, you simply will never grasp this, and yet I strive to illuminate you. We are a grateful people. Grateful for our freedom, grateful for our country, grateful for the sacrifices of those who came before us. What are you grateful for? Oh yeah, your dick. That's cool man.

#10: FedEx.

QED. Quod erat demonstrandum.

How's that for a "rebuttle" Robert? (Or should I say "rebuttal"?)

anon

You colonials do get so uppity sometimes.

BlueRuin

John Locke, Edmund Burke and Paul Johnson were never knighted. Sir is a title you are bestowed with, you don't just go round calling anyone sir. Pick up one of those history books you keep talking about.

American patriotism is rooted in indoctrination and brainwashing. You're taught all your lives that your country's way is the right way, and anyone who does anything any differently is wrong without even considering their way of things. This is, among other things, incredibly small minded and dangerous. America is a beautiful and powerful country, but it's wrong for people with such beliefs to have so much power.

Your Thanksgiving point is a perfect example. Just because it is a tradition, doesn't mean that celebrating a holiday that is basically rememberance of slaughtering innocent people and stealing their land is right. But because it's quintessentially American that makes it okay? Because the American way is the right way. Despite the fact that killing the Native Americans was basically attempted genocide.

It's basically there in the tone of your post anyway. That whole "I'm better than you. I'm right and you're wrong no matter what anyone says." tone.

Also, the Cutty Sark is a Scottish tea-clipper. I don't know where you went for this 'pissnight', but unless you were drinking on a boat, it wasn't Cutty Sark. Do some research before you go making stories up. Same with the fifty pence equals a dollar thing.

An Anonymous Sherman

Oh Bravo, Blue Ruin! Way to address the larger substance of my post by focusing on the few minor errors which, I acknowledge, were wrong. Yes, I was wrong to put "Sir" before those (right honorable, hah) gentlemen. It was intended to convey respect and admiration, not to bestow upon them an actual title. We Americans have never had titles, you see. But you're right, Blue Ruin, I can't just slap "Sir" on their name and didn't correct my posting written in haste and with verve. Though why Paul Johnson gets the shaft and Patrick Stewart gets his knighthood is a bit of mystery. At least he's been recognized here with the well deserved Presidential Medal of Freedom. Have you read any of his work? Locke? Burke? Or did you just goole them to fact check their status?

Cutty Sark. Greenwich. A pub in Greenwich facing the Cutty Sark. Did I mention I was maggered? Yes, I did. Again, you focus on these trifling details. Clearly, I made up the story about physically being present in London during that week in July 2005. And since I've been going to the UK (7 times since 1988), a 2:1 dollar/pound exchange rate has usually been a safe estimate. So now its .62p to the dollar. Wow. Shocking error on my part, well worthy of your correction.

Put down Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky and pick up something not chocked by Leftist bile and rage. Your mind seems made up, if you keep an open mind, perhaps your opinions will mature with time and age as mine have from my teen years in the Bill Clinton moderate left to my present moderate conservative right perspective. Or, you can refuse to reexamine your own premises, plug your ears with wax and shunt your mind to the opposition's arguments.

America is now and has been throughout its history a force for good in the world. That's not arrogant jingoism, that's reality. Did we steal land from the Native Americans? Yes. Did we kill many of them and drive them away? Yes. Is that shameful, and wrong and do we bear moral culpability for that injustice? Yes. Is that guilt widely taught in our elementary, middle, and high schools? Absolutely. Show me a nation free from any moral culpability in its past. So please spare the moral preening, as though British Imperialism and your entire colonial history isn't far worse than our admittedly prodigious sins, including slavery. We fought a war and lost more than 600,000 of our fellow citizens resolving that terrible injustice. But justice prevailed. Civil rights? We moved forward. Election of '08? We moved forward yet again. So spare me the horseshit about the US being a racist country. The indisputable fact is that this is the most racially tolerant and diverse country in history. You'd be wise to keep mum when your own moral balance sheet is far worse than ours.

The American creed is a universal one: freedom, equality, capitalism. Its nowhere near perfect. No perfect system exists. It's the best out there, or as (Sir) Churchill said, "democracy is the worst form of government except all others that have been tried." It's not cultural arrogance to acknowledge the truth in this. Americans do listen to what other nations say. I'm American, I listen, I care what other people say and think. I also have deeply held beliefs about what is best for America and how best to use our influence in the world for good. We are where we are--America is the lone superpower. We need not feel guilty for that; in fact, it's a very good thing for the world. It is rather the corrosive and ignorant impulse, pervasive in the minds of we GenXers and Millennials, that impels us to think our society is shit, our history is shit, our culture is shit. Wrong. Take the long view and see the world in 2010 relative to where we were 20 or 50 or 100 or 200 or 500 years ago.

That's all. I probably failed utterly to sway your thinking one degree. You have your perspective which I see as jaded, cynical, and largely ignorant of basic historical literacy, and I have mine which you see as arrogant, self-righteous, and contradictory. Hopefully and thankfully, we can still be frank friends, as many of us do truly love England, the British people, your music, your drama, your comedy, I could go on. We are, after all, cousins, and the majority of our peoples still share a deep connection with eachother, do we not?

larsville

Come on everyone! Don't get angry! Because Cutty Sark is a stop on the DLR and so the area around it gets called that. Now kiss and make up?

sushilnash

no, it's called greenwich.

Anonymous

You forgot that we can't drink outside here either (in most of America at least). Not the most important thing in the world, but it's a stupid law that is enforced with an inordinate amount of zeal

sutor

what do you mean when you say you can't drink outside?????

Anonymous

it is illegal to drink on the streets in some states

danielle

Hugh Laurie can do a perfect American accent because Hugh Laurie is fucking awesome. Outside of that, I've heard some really painful attempts at it. The thing is that more Americans attempt British accents, IMO because they sound better. Unless you're for example an actor, if you have a British accent why would you want to sound American? So take that as a positive.

If he's a shitty barman with a bad attitude, of course you don't still tip.

Thanksgiving is hell. It's all the drunken fighting, guilt, stress and general discomfort of Christmas, without any presents or sparkly decorations or cheer.

Most of the rest of it's fairly true, but kind of a given.

Alex Robert Turner

I agree about the TV thing especially. Compare any american version of a show with the english version and it reeks of tack... There's all this "atmospheric" music up the arse to help set the scene, inhumanly "attractive" people everywhere you turn and pointlessly over the top lights and pyrotechnics, and that's just the gameshows. Deal or no Deal is a perfect example, and like you said, the news is a joke, every flipping teen drama is the same, same goes for reality shows, the "gritty" dramas. There is the odd exception, but to find it you sure do have to wade in a lot of poo.
And I like inverted commas, so what? :D

BlueRuin

Those were speech marks.

Anonymous

why do you always talk about boarding school. loads of us went (probs better than yours) but dont try and talk about it at every chance. sort your life out old boy

Name

This made me wriggle with smugness a little bit, so thanks.

Also: I am strangely aroused when this guy writes about his cock all the time. Is that weird? That's probably weird.

Robert Foster

call me babe

What’s up with american people? ten things

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