Hi Jonas, How are you?

I’m just excellent, perfect, i can’t complain about anything. I’m in a hotel in London with two really beautiful bar tenders serving me orange juice and I’m just watching my two computers, checking my Facebook and watching crazy crazy movies.

Why don’t you make some more of your brilliant music?
I could actually record and produce a song in a hotel room. Yeah, you see this is the problem with me, I have this thing called goldfish memory. That’s why I’m always carrying around my dictaphone. But the most ultimate of all is my moleskin, or is it molechine?

A moleskine diary?
Yeah, exactly. I’m on my third on right now, with these three books I’m going to conquer the world.

Really?
I mean if these books end up in the wrong hands, Jesus Christ.

Do they have the sound of 2009 contained within their pages?
These pages have the sound of 2015 my friend.

My god, can you give us a glimpse.
This is for young readers though yeah?

They can handle it.
Let me look in the book for an interesting word. There’s two songs here. The first is I’m Just a Guy and the second song is Control your Chicken.

Control your chicken?
Yeah, I can give you a third one as well, ‘I’m singing in the shower and masturbating for an hour’

That’s the rude one. You slipped it out.
Jesus Christ I’m sorry, no more. I can’t give you any more information mate. Sorry.

I’m sure there are lots of our young readers that masturbate in the shower.
I did it just one hour ago.

Wow.
It keeps me focussed and concentrated. I’m in the bar right now, there’s a lot of hot girls here and if i didn’t masturbate I would probably lose my concentration. I’d forget to answer the phone and make a big mess of everything.

My God.

(speaks to voice in the background)

Who was that?
You don’t want to know. A person I met earlier this year.

Oh, cool.
A female person and I thought she was coming in here, but she didn’t.

You thought she was coming into your hotel room?
Yeah because we had a few drinks in the bar after work. I don’t think she’s coming now. If she does I’l be quiet and hide.

Why, does she scare you?
No, I mean she was a very nice girl, funny, happy, cute. She’s very attractive actually.

So invite her up.
I thought it was perfect, then I realised she isn’t really my type. She kept texting me and bombarding me with facebook messages. I just ignored her. The last thing she said to me is that she’s going to slap me in my face if she sees me again.

Just because you didn’t call her back?
Yeah, just because i didn’t give a shit. She’s obviously just got pissed off because she told all her friends we’re were a couple. You know how girls are.

Do you miss ordinary life Jonas?
No, I’ve lived an ordinary life. I’ve never had a real job. I tried to get a job but i don’t have an education. Until I was 21, I collected golf balls and sold them.

Is selling golf balls a euphemism?
Look, I’m a businessman. I’m a businessman from head to toe. I don’t want to tell you, the way I did it was genius.

Your keeping the business as a backup?
No, its not just a backup. It’s all about investment. Even if i fuck up my career totally I’l still be able to live comfortably from the the golf balls.

Because your a businessman.
I’m a businessman and i think about the future. Sometimes too much. I’l tell you what i really want to do.

Okay.
I want to take a canoe for like 4 days, sleep in a tent, eat beans from an open fire, go fishing. Just live a wild life. We were all born in nature, and we’re all naked.

Underneath our clothes.
Exactly, so when I’m at home I’m never dressed, I’m always naked.

Are you going to tell me how you make money from the golf balls?
Well the thing is that I probably will go back and collect golf balls again. I’ve done it for so long and i love it.

It started when i was 14, I realised all these golfers were hitting balls into the lakes on the courses. So i took a bike basket and tied a rope through it. The mud filtered through the cage and the balls stayed in the cage. Then I’d sell them back to the golfers

In the end I had cages i’d welded myself. You could get like three hundred golfballs in one sweep and sell them for three pounds each.

Thats a lot of money.
In 12 weeks we worked on average 1 and a half hours a day and made almost £15,000.

Thats amazing! You could probably make more than your earning now.
Not really. We did make a site where people could go and order the stock.

Let’s see.
Oh man no, I can’t give you that. Well you can search google.

I searched golf ball Basshunter but nothing came up, weirdly a picture of you touching a woman’s boobs came up.
I can’t give you this man, our fucking telephone numbers are on the site.

I’ve found it, it’s loading. 920 visitors. That’s not bad.
I wonder who’ll be the thousandth.

Me too.